I’ve spent the past few months and years trying to figure out who the hell I am. For the longest time I was whatever people wanted me to be. A intensely calculated mask that could please everyone around me. Sadly I was never happy and was depressed and suicidal for most of these years. I just couldn’t figure out who I wanted me to be.
I first shaved my legs in college and began growing out my hair on my head. The first person I “came out” to was Smiles. I told her that I liked more feminine clothing. She told me to keep it a secret. I fought her on that but mistakenly over time gave in. I threw out all my “fag” clothes and wore drag for a few years. It ruined me and our relationship.
I finally broke out of wearing drag after my existential crisis, when I left nihilism and started being who I wanted to be. The more I understood who I was emotionally and spiritually the more I realized who I really was. I began to realize what and who I’ve been the whole time.
My roommate Jamie has been awesome help on understanding my realizations. James is a female bodied trans person. They even go by a gender neutral pronoun. Sometimes they act masculine, sometimes feminine. They present much more masculine, wearing men’s pants and shirts, but occasionally wear tights and dresses. Conversations with Jamie has really helped me understand where I am and where I am going.
Overtime I’ve begun wearing more and more feminine clothing, dangle earrings and mascara. I’ve kept this somewhat secret but I’m tired of living a secret life, I want to live my life loud and proud. I want people to know that I am a tomboy in a boys body. I may be a boy on the outside but I’m a girl on the inside. I’ve begun taking larger steps to make this clear, including taking supplements and utilizing a breast pump to give myself breasts.
In case you’re wondering (I’m sure you are, because so am I) of how far I plan on going, or when I’m going to go in for sexual reassignment surgery. I’m pretty certain that I’m not. I’m going to take a cue from all the awesome transgendered women in my life who are still women and still be a man. I’m going to dress more feminine and act more feminine but I’m don’t plan on fully transitioning to a women.
I certainly would feel better having been born a woman, but it’s too late now. I have lived 25 years as a boy and I can never undue that. Instead I’m going to make myself outwardly and inwardly appear and feel like the person I want to be. To be that in between, to be that queer person who is who they are – not who society has been telling them to be. I’m sick and tired of being who I’m supposed to be, so I’m not going to be. I’m not going to be a man or a woman, because I’m neither and I’m both. I’m yeti.
A neighbor of my friend Curls recently had a dream about me. I hardly know the guy, only talking to him briefly a few times at gatherings that Curls and her house put on. Hearing he had a dream about me was strange, for one he didn’t even remember my name but he subconsciously knows what I’m all about from hearing what his dream was.
In his dream he was on a quest to collect a bunch of things, a scavenger hunt of sorts. The difference was that this was very important and kind of a stressful activity as he rushed from place to place finding everything he needed.
Then he bumped into me. I was just wandering around having a gay old time. Then I went over to him and tried to let him in on the secret that his quest was not real and that this was all just a dream. He knew this was the truth but didn’t want to believe me. Instead he told me to, “fuck off.” and tried to ignore me and what I was saying.
I was correct, that was only a dream and he awoke to discover that fact. But most people never awake to realize that this is all a crazy dream and set of hoops you are supposed to jump through. People go day to day stressed and worried about all the little things instead of enjoying everything they’ve got. Enjoy and appreciate what you can out of your day and realize it’s all a weird dream. When you hit a pot hole or get a flat tire on your journey look around at what there is to see. It may help you realize that the journey is the destination.
This past week I enjoyed one of my final family vacations. My parents and I travelled to see my brother, who moved to South Beach, Florida. He has been there since August. He’s the AM manager for a fancy restaurant in a resort hotel, The James Royal Palm. My parents booked a room in his hotel and booked flights for them and myself.
View from 16th floor elevator area at sunset.
The room was much much fancier than any room either myself of my parents have ever stayed in. They were given a discount by my brother but the room was still quite expensive. They also had their room bumped up to a very nice one on the 16th floor. My brother had a nice food plater for all of us and very fancy whisky he bought for my dad waiting there. Our favorite thing about the room was the view from the window, which was also the first thing you saw when you walked in.
View of their actual room. The bright white color is the beach(seen above) shinning through.
My parents and I enjoyed ourselves while my brother worked the first few days we were there. We biked around and hung out at the beach, seeing him at dinner and for a couple hours before he fell asleep. His job has him scheduled 10 hours a day 5 days a week, but he works far more than that. I think he works around 70 hours most weeks.
From talking with him it was apparent that his job is his life right now. This was something that concerned both myself but more so my parents. He seemed to be enjoy life overall but it was difficult to get him out of work mode and have him talk about other things. It makes sense considering when we were there he went into work one of the two days he had off that week.
But we did get him away and enjoyed kayaking in a marshland in the keys and enjoyed more dinners with him. It’s always nice to be with your family and enjoy time with them. They are the people who have shaped you into who you are. It’s funny realizing habits I’ve develop because of habits they have. Overall my trip was great. I enjoyed the calm relaxation that south beach has to offer. I ignored most of the crazy people who live and vacation there. And I enjoyed time with my family.
And maybe we’ll get the joy of one more family vacation, my brother is hoping to move into a new hotel his company is building in LA. We’ll get to have the experience of a lifetime – going to two cities we never wished to go to.
I stumbled across a short film while looking at permaculture videos.
Cider showed it to me years ago.
Thank you if you read or looked at any of the links in the last post. I turn into a powder keg of dismal realities. People generally don’t believe me, ignore what I am saying or don’t feel a connection with these realities. So I try to keep them to my self most of the time but end up bottling it up. The problem arises when I want to talk about things that do inspire me and give me hope. It is harder for me to convey the importance of innovative breath taking things that are surfacing.
Things like the work of Allen Savory:
This is a shot gun blast from my scatter brained mind. Between the pellets is the framework for which I view the world. I have had something of an addiction to shattering my world view. Feeling the liberation of everything I have been taught to be turned upside down. The rabbit hole keeps going down. It gets so dark down there that it is hard to see any light. It is made confusing by how wonderful my personnel life is. It is easy to turn away from this because there are no short term consequences.
I used to be able to wash away alot of my attachment to this system by dumpster diving. It freed me of money, it opened me to community, sharing and my money was no longer purchasing at the expense of nature/others suffering. It showed me how wonderful and natural a more egalitarian life feels! It also opened me more to the dismal realities of the world. That I could live so comfortably on others waste! Dumpster diving is still dependent on this bigger system.
All of these realities lead me directly to a multiple year stint of nihilism and loss of all hope. It was a necessary catharsis. We need a completely new way of thinking of things or we are screwed. In the midst of all this darkness lies a rebirth of human potential that can lead to a future , even a wonderful future. The darker it is, the brighter the stars.
Kurt Vonnegut’s son, when asked “why are we here?” , answered: ” We are here to help each other through this, whatever this is”
I have come back from my hiatus writing to the Casbahlog not to hail on the doom and gloom but to write about a positive future I want to help create as well as what gives me hope in the world. I can’t do that without being honest about the stark realities that surround us.
My Mom gave me the book The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and How to Make the Most of Them Now a few months ago. After getting the courage to read it the whole way through I discovered a great deal and it has propelled me to move forward with my life.
The book is by psychologist, Dr. Meg Jay. She seems to have wrote the book after realizing how many of her clients had misunderstandings of what their twenties were all about and found themselves caught in ruts unable to move forward with their lives. My Mom gave me the book to help me get out of the ruts I was in and to get the most from my twenties. She is really into reading and understanding these things through books and has given me books before about finding out what I want to do with my life. I haven’t gotten around to reading most of the books she gave, but I’m happy I made it through this one.
I started reading this book and put it down after a chapter because it freaked me out too much. At the time there was a couple of other things haunted my thoughts and the last thing I needed was to think about how I wasn’t seizing my twenties. After a long hiatus I finally picked the book up and was able to read it all the way through despite the stresses it brought me at times.
The book talks about people’s twenties by examples of Dr. Jay’s clients. They each have something holding them back or making them unhappy. From working crappy jobs to dating crappy people. Dr. Jay explains a great deal of the twenties and how to enjoy them and make a good solid life for yourself.
One of my favorite clients is Ian, the bike mechanic. He doesn’t want to enter the real world (much like myself) and instead is working a job he doesn’t get satisfaction from. He in particular helped me realize that I need to break out of this rut and move on with what I actually want to do.
Ian viewed himself as being in an endless ocean, he didn’t seem to know where he came from and what he did enjoy doing and didn’t have any idea where he wanted to go in life. I felt much the same way, I had tried community organizing and hated it and found myself lucky enough to know how to work on bikes and be able to use that as a backup job. That backup became a real job and I found myself in the very same ocean. Until I had the courage to look at what I had wanted to do before, what I enjoyed as a kid and still enjoy today.
I spent the weekend in my home town stewing about all of this. I talked to old friends and professors and began realizing what I actually want to do with my life, counselling. This is something that I enjoy doing with friends and have been passionate about for a while. This book was instrumental in this realization and it will assure that I take steps towards this goal.
Before all of this I figured I was feeling things no one had felt before and related only to other people trapped in the same situation. But that isn’t true. Everyone who is thirty made it through their twenties and I’m sure they loved it but I’m sure it was also hard for most of them. My Mom reminded me of this fact when she once again told me the story of how she worked at a bank after college. It wasn’t until she took the leap into joining what is now called AmeriCorps that she broke into doing what she enjoyed. I finally understood this story and how difficult (and fun) being in your twenties really is for just about everyone.