Bike Thief!?


Sorry its so long, but is something that needs to be told in the fullest, and should keep you on the edge of your seat enough to read the whole thing, or maybe that’s just me.


I come home forgetting that Majesty left a voicemail. Hello immediately says you need to talk to Majesty right now. I start freaking out that he’s pissed at me and overhear him on the phone. Then I remember the voicemail and say I’m going to check my voicemail first. Hello says that the only thing it says is call me right away; she was right.

I go over and talk to Majesty and he is spooked because the police just came to our house. He says they came investigating a bike theft. He gives me the card of the officer that came over, who of course was accompanied by 3 other officers.

I start remembering a video that Coyote showed most of the house, which was to never talk to a police officer. Obviously this information isn’t true all of the time but for attorney’s to tell the clients, Yes. While talking to him I decide that I’m going to call them back and tell them about the suspicious biker I saw riding around on a Kona.

I call the police and explain to them that some guy rode a gold Kona over near the bike racks and then gave us a weird look when he ran away. When I left the house I saw that his bike was unlocked and leaned against the apartment. This is a one thousand dollar bike, with hydraulic brakes, slick tires and its basically amazing. I say that I didn’t know the name of the officer who called me, and they say they’ll try and find out who it was and then get him to call me back.

I get anxious waiting and call the officer back, and get the same guy I called before and explain the person that talked to me was Mr. Slope.

I get called by Mr. Slope 5 minutes after calling the Police the second time. He first says what up with the bikes. I then explain about the Kona and he isn’t super concerned he’s more concerned with the plethora of bikes at my house. I then explain that I bought some at the surplus sale, and that I didn’t get a summer job with the bad economy instead I worked on and sold bikes. He says he wants to come over and asks if tomorrow is good I say that I’m busy and won’t be able to. He mentions wanting to come over later in the week and then we leave on that note

I call Coyote and get pumped up about not letting them into my house or talking to them about anything but that Kona I saw. I don’t wanna be abused and I don’t like being assumed that I’m a bike thief. I’m ready to go, and as Hello said my USAS training and past cop experience will help me remain fluent.

Three officers come to the door and I explain the Kona situation to them, they ask where exactly I saw the bike on the side of the building. I explain it and they attempt to mess me up with my story but I keep saying the same thing not allowing them to confuse me or make me change my story leading to me getting caught in a web of lies.

I then learn that the reason they were called he was simply this: The guy riding the Kona parked his bike at the bike rack, the bike was moved because the idiot didn’t lock it he then freaked because he thought his bike was stolen, only to find it on the side of the building. Now the whole concept of bike theft becomes who moved the bike from the rack to the apartment building wall. Is it really that important to know who moved the bike 10 yards? is it!?

I ask if the owner simply found the bike on the wall and they confirm this. I am somewhat astounded that there was no bike theft, someone moved a bike 10 yards and now I’m the suspect for bike theft.

So they start pressuring me to look at my bikes. I tell them how many I own and they are astounded. They begin to pressure me about where I got the bikes and I say that I got 12 at the surplus sale, I buy some of craigslist and I get some from dumpsters. I freak out a bit to them making it obvious that I don’t know if these bikes are or aren’t stolen. They realize this and tell me a story:

The other day the one officer saw a drunk guy riding a bike. The drunk got off the bike when he saw the officer so the officer thought this was suspicious and asked him where the bike was from. The drunk says that its his friends. They start to go back to the friends house where the officer realizes that it was nabbed from a rack, having been unlocked and abandoned and ridden a couple of blocks by a drunk. The drunk wasn’t charged with theft, or receiving stolen property he was in trouble for a lesser crime because he didn’t steal the bike.

I show my hesitance and the officer reassures me that its not going to be a big deal if a couple of bikes are stolen. I freak out a couple more times asking what would happen if this occurred since I obviously don’t know whether a bike is stolen or not when I buy it off craigslist, find it in a dumpster. He reassures me a couple more times and asks for my cooperation in trying to return these bikes to their owners. That is what I’d prefer to do but have no other way of doing so I cave in and allow them to look around.

They check out the bikes and the bike enthusiast officer takes the initiative, he soon realizes that the list of stolen bikes within the past year is not useful in this household because most of the bikes have been here for longer than that. He starts looking for nice bikes and fails to find more than 4, My new Surly Long Haul Trucker, Ram’s Garry Fisher, Hello’s Cannondale, and my Giant Boulder.

Out loud he realizes that this high end bike thief that he dreamed of turned out to just be a kid with a thing for bikes. He says at least 4 times that I have a serious problem, while at the same time somewhat admiring these bikes. He states that he’s looking for high end parts like Shimano Deore, we have very few of these parts in the Casbah.

They begin to admire the bike shop to an extent calling another officer to come check it out.

The one officer, Slope, has no idea what he’s looking for and ends up wandering around knowing that he doesn’t know anything about bikes. The bike enthusiast fails to see any good bikes, especially any good stolen bikes, and is left surrounded by a bunch of Huffys. The third officer talks about his roommate who used to actually sleep with his two thousand dollar road bike and makes a comment about my Nintendo and duck hunt.

I was given a lot of “credence” by the one officer. He gave me credence for letting them in and being frank with them. Credence isn’t a word commonly used, it means “mental acceptance as true or real.” Hopefully that credence does something for me, but I know its not admissible in court.

Then I also asked the officer what I could do to prevent this situation for getting to this and having them there. He literally said that what I should do it stop. Stop finding bikes in dumpsters because they’re borough property, that’ll really help your bike theft problem, stop buying bikes on craigslist, that’s ridiculous. What he should’ve done was tried to work out a way that I can check my bikes with them, that’s what he would’ve done if he was really concerned with returning bikes to their owners. I bet if freeze thaw bought a bike that was stolen he’d tell them the same things, well you should just stop buying used bikes. Uhhh NO that’s fucking ridiculous that’s what they were based on, that would’ve revoke their livelihood, and it will certainly revoke my livelihood.

What he failed to realize is that I’m a tool, utilize me to find out if bikes are stolen or not, I’ve already let you through my house and want to return bikes to their owners. Think of it as privatizing your bike recovery services for no fee, maybe that’ll make the neoliberals in the house happy.

The officers leave after being here for an hour and a half having found nothing besides the serial number from the Giant Boulder and they will call me soon about that bike after the check at the bike shop to see if they can find any information out.

This stressful night ends now with me writing this blog post and planing to wake up in 4 hours. My facade of high end bike thief has been uncovered and reveals a man with dozens of shitty bikes that have been there for years.


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