Relationship

Over the past Smiles and I have been having relationship difficulties. It’s been ongoing for a while. We snap at each other a lot and harass one another about things we do or don’t do and control one another. Also, we haven’t been have fun together, we just stay inside and are miserable.

The fact that Smiles is living in Reading during the week and I’m living in Philly all the time exacerbated these problems. We started spending only 2 or 3 days together a week. We would snap at each other during those few days and I ended up feeling awful the rest of the week too, because I had become so dependent upon Smiles

Finally it got too bad to handle. The weekend of the 22-23 was the worst weekend we spent together. I actually felt better when Smiles left, and Smiles felt the same. During the following week I had a very hard week. I kept thinking about breaking up, all that was wrong with Smiles, I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. My subconscious was convinced there was better for me, while I tried to ignore these thoughts saying to myself, “the grass is always greener on the other side.” I went on a few several-hour-long walks trying to figure things out. And I had insomnia so I couldn’t fall sleep until 3 or 4.

I didn’t want to come to any conclusions or break up, especially when Smiles was gone. We had intertwined our lives, our stuff and our housing. I didn’t want to loose all of that I just hated our relationship. After I figured out all of this stuff I felt horrible watched movies and nursed myself out of it with sad music. I finally had a good time. My second half of the week was fun, I got things done and enjoyed myself, for the first time in a while.

Then Smiles came home. It was awkward because in my subconscious I had already ended it with her. We started bickering again and finally it came out that I wanted to break up with her. It turned out to be the most emotionally draining break up I’ve ever had. We treated each other awfully. By the end I was emotionally drained. Smiles left Saturday night and then came back Sunday morning while I was sleeping. We talked more and agreed that the relationship was awful. And then with some coercion and the emotional exhaustion from last night, I agreed to start things over like a normal couple.

The following week was fine, but mainly because of the same reasons the last week was fine, I was ignoring our relationship and sorta thought it was over/bad things gone. We didn’t talk much and it was only in a friendly way not an harassing way or relationship way.

Then came my birthday bash weekend in State College. Smiles had really wanted to go and I did to. But turns out I didn’t want to go with Smiles. We went from “starting over” to being married again and it wasn’t fun. This irritated me and caused me to lash out at Smiles and be irritable to other people.

Finally we talked on Sunday. The conversation wasn’t bad at all. I think that’s because we both knew it was coming. We decided to break up for now. We are going to sublet our apartment and take some time apart not being a married couple or even dating. We are done, but open to starting again. We’ll see if we want to start something again

It’s hard because I don’t really know if I want to start that again, but I don’t think I should know yet. I just have to give it all time and find out. What I do know is that marriage isn’t for me yet. I want a fun relationship where we do things together and enjoy one another’s company.

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