How Not to Have the Sex Talk with Your Kids

My dad is good at making awkward sexual comments and jokes. They range from “you and Smiles can have the hot tub for 30 minutes and then we’ll have it for 30 minutes.” to jokes about people named after cooking sprays, “Pam, you are really good at lubricating.”

Obviously, I’ve know for a while that my dad is capable of talk about sex at or below teenage level of jokes and the “penis” game. Something I didn’t remember was the birds and the bees talk I had with my dad. It was a very enlightening part of my last visit.
My dad speaking:
        Your mom started asking me to have the sex talk with you around age 11. You know social workers always concerned about this type of thing. I mostly ignored it for about 2 years when I finally gave in. We were in the car driving to go running. We were both starring forward and then I said to you, “Son, do you know about sex?”
You responded, “Yes, dad.”
We both continued to look at the road ahead
“Do you have any questions?”
“No, dad.”
“So we’ve had the sex talk?”
“Yes, dad.”

My dad had learned about sex by becoming a volunteer firefighter (there wasn’t much else for him to do where he grew up, and they had a pool table). So he wished I could do the same so he could avoid the awkwardness of the sex talk. I didn’t join one, especially not by age 13. So he had to have that super awkward conversation with me, so he could check off his list and get my mom off his back.

A few years later I ended up having unprotected sex, a few times. I didn’t know better. In 8th grade I was taught that if you have sex you’ll get a STD, your penis will swell up and fall off and she’ll get pregnant and have stuff oozing out of her vagina. At least that’s what I remember from the STD slideshow. In 12th grade I learned loads about sex and condoms and birth control. We could ask any questions we wanted and I left much better informed.

Sadly the summer after 10th grade was when I had sex. No birth control, no condoms, no good. After doing that a few times my girlfriend took plan B and got free birth control from Planned Parenthood. That’s why I really like Planned Parenthood. That’s also why I really like talking about sex and think it’s important that sex education is mandatory for all kids, and at earlier ages. I mean nearly everyone does it, right? Making sex a taboo subject only makes it more dangerous for everyone.

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