Over the past three weeks Smiles and I have been going through breaking up. It’s a long and complicated story, but I finally understand the end of it, I understand what’s happening now. I thought and was told that I needed to get over it, but that isn’t it I need to let it go. I need to start anew and let go of what in it was holding me back. I truly knew this was right after a bunch of coincidences and revelations. I need to grow and become reborn (I’ll explain this part more in my next post)
The first coincidence was part of a fall ritual my roommate Cha led where we all grabbed a taro card. The card I got was Seven of Vessel – Mourning.
I skimmed over the meaning of the card and somehow read what I wanted to see, that it was all about coming back together reunion and all that good stuff. It kind of blew my mind because that was what I was feeling. But then I started reading it out loud to Majesty and it was all about the opposite. It was about, well mourning.
That night I had two different dreams about people being eaten by sharks. The first one I was almost eaten by a shark and then Cha ended up being eaten by a shark. The next one I was eaten by a shark/person before waking up. I told Cha she was eaten by a shark in my dream and then she looked up the meaning of that. The meaning is that you are afraid of dying, loosing yourself, and who you are. Something I was definitely afraid of because I had put so much stuff other than relationship in my relationship with Smiles.
The final thing that ended up happening was that I asked Cha to read my tarot. Tarot is something she’s very into that I actively didn’t believe in, but after last night I didn’t believe anymore. I was starting to let go of everything I believed in, everything that came along with being a passionate atheist was floating away. I felt like I was becoming more of a nihilist and a post-nihilist at the same time. (Maybe I was doing just what Nietzsche writes about that you must do after nihilism)
To start a Tarot reading you ask the deck a question. I couldn’t put my question into words so I kept it to myself, but the essence of the question was what to do about Smiles and I. And what I got was almost exactly what I knew I was supposed to do. When Cha was explaining them I was nodding my head in agreement knowing that was exactly what I needed to do.
The first card, front and center is rebirth and that is currently what I am going through, thus why I am afraid of loosing myself. I am but I’m loosing my old self, the self that wasn’t even ready for a relationship with Smiles but was bound to her, needed her. Which leads into the next two cards, transformation and integration. These are pretty straight forward that I need to transform myself and better integrate myself with the world and become a part of the greater existence of people instead of thinking of myself as an isolated individual, I have impact I make waves I change people.
The next one also reminds me that we are interconnected. The card shows a fairy looking at all of existence to show the positivity of letting go of this and becoming part of the greater whole.
The next one is consciousness and it reminds me of the need to be hear and today, not to be in the past and also not to be in the future. I have been living most time in the future dreaming about buying houses and Smiles moving to Pittsburgh. But life is about the now and I need to work better to remember to enjoy now and to live in the current, especially right now when it’s easy to get bogged down by the past and the fear of the future.
The next one is compromise. This is a negative card with two thugs on it. But the position of it makes it assert that I shouldn’t compromise I shouldn’t give in on my beliefs. This is something I felt pressured to do, especially by Smiles – to get over us. Well I’m not going to I’m going to let it go, free myself from it but not get over it, hold it with me just not carry it on my person – not let it drag me down anymore.
Finally the last one is about suppression. This is all about a need to stop doing that. It’s funny because I was about to tell Cha some secrets about myself such as my belief in not tarot and nihilism, but she beat me to it as she told me I should probably stop suppressing so many things about myself and let them out.
This whole tarot reading blew my mind. I don’t believe in a bunch of the things it may sound like I do about, but I get the essence of them. Though I also don’t not believe in them.