I’ve been a solid nihilist for over a year. But my recent experiences have broken me from that. I’m now sure what I am. The taro reading and the past couple of days caused me to have an existential crisis, a pretty exciting crisis to have.
Nihilism is the understanding that there is no inherent value or meaning in the world and there is no reason to create such meaning because there is no meaning to create. Living in true nihilism is living in nothing. It is isolating and depressing. While I rejected the idea you can’t create your own meaning to a large extent I internalized that belief. My time in nihilism was good at times but these times quickly faded to bad times. At the worst point I believed it may be true that the best course of action for nihilists was suicide. I was not afraid of death but afraid of living beyond death. I was okay in living this horrible existence but terrified of having to continue it after dying.
Nihilism brought me down much farther that I admitted and gave me very bleak views of people and their actions. I ended up loathing many people, and believing them and what they do what truly absurd and that was part of why it would entertain me. But finally this dark cloud, this disease (as Nietzsche referred to it) has moved beyond me. I am now post-nihilist. While the views haunt me I don’t believe what I’m moving towards nor do I believe in nihilism and at the same time I believe in both.
My crisis peaked and it started being an epiphany. This climax occurred when Cha gave me my Taro reading, she asked me if I had ever seen I Heart Huckabees. She said that she was pretty sure that I was going through something similar to what goes on in that movie. I hadn’t ever seen it so after we (both feeling sick) decided to watch a movie, we had to pick I Heart Huckabees.
While the Taro reading and the events surrounding that and others written in my previous blog post shook my sense of reality it wasn’t until watching I Heart Huckabees did I truly realize what was going on. I wasn’t just having my world shaken by Liz but I was having it shaken to the core. I was having an existential crisis.
The main plot of I Heart Huckabees is that two existential detectives are trying to make the main character and their other students to understand their existential philosophy of universal interconnectivity. But then comes in a third detective that tries to push the idea of nihilism and absurdism upon the main character and their other students. The battle of philosophies and teachers ensues resulting in the students finding their own existential meaning in the world.
I must add that while this plot drives the movie it is filled with gracious amounts of fluff so it isn’t nearly as interesting or as densely philosophical as it sounds. So don’t worry, no matter who you are I’m sure you’ll enjoy the movie a moderate amount. It’s not a life changing or really even that great of a movie instead it is a decent movie that skims the surface of a few philosophies.
After watching all of this and letting these ideas ferment I know where I stand – sorta. I know where I am but I can’t embrace it. I also feel that I am overshooting and believing more than I truly do. But to give you a taste here we go:
I truly believe we are connected, and that emotions seem to be another form of energy that is definitely transferred between people. Rejecting this is rejecting having anyone else affect your good or bad mood. I also believe that all people connect and are interconnected in a blanket of some sort. That all matter may be in this blanket. That we are all one. Most people don’t believe this but they have their own loans, thoughts of the economy and philosophies (all things that aren’t part of the blanket) affecting the way the perceive and interact with the blanket.
I believe the first half, but I’m not sure about the second half. I do thing it is true to some extent. I need to realize how connected we are because I have tried to act like a fly on the wall or someone who is free of these connections for my whole life. I have rejected myself and my importance to people to my own loss. I need to work to grow so much in this world, to understand so much more. I hope it goes better this time than it did in Nihilism.