I need to write this post to confess a lot. Most of it has gone unseen and unknown and the main person I affected was the person who I care the most about. Recent events and conversations have helped bring all these things to light. I talked to one of my coworkers, Skeeter, about it today and realized we should all be more open about relationships and all this shit this so people realize it’s normal. So here we go:
Smiles and my relationship has been quite shitty, for the entirety of it. And one of the shittiest parts was me. Shitty attitude and shitty treatment to the person I care most about. I wouldn’t often do it in public because I viewed those people as more important to than Smiles herself. This is talked about more in depth as thing number 2 I learned when not yelling at my kids for a year: My kids are the most important audience. Or in this context, my partner is the most important audience.
I haven’t been myself, especially towards Smiles for almost the entire time we’ve known each other. She fell for the awesome self-confident Yeti that I am, and he quickly disappeared to leave the imposter, “Lame Yeti.” Lame Yeti isn’t self confident instead he puts others down and thinks he knows better than everyone else. He isn’t fun to hang out with and isn’t nice to people. He’s bad a showing he cares and overall just brings his partner down.
Lame Yeti ruined Smiles and my relationship twice, and he will never do so again. I’ve realized that Lame Yeti killed Awesome Yeti and I’ve made efforts to be the awesome me again, to be the me I’ve missed so much. The me that Smiles deserved to be with and enjoy – the Yeti that she knew was deep down but never had the honor of enjoying.
This past Monday I realized what was going on and I started to break free. I started to suffocate Lame Yeti and bring Awesome Yeti back to life. Despite being haunted by worries Awesome Yeti has had an amazing week. He was fun enjoyable and I noticed my interactions with others being way better. People were so much happier around me. I started to long for the days of Junior year pre my life taking a nose dive. The days when I thought I was hot shit and acted accordingly. I was confident, cool, treated people awesomely and was a nice good guy.
That Yeti is hear to stay. But the bigger thing haunting my mind is Smiles and my relationship. I fucked it up hardcore, and had fucked it up the whole time. I tried to bring her down, to control her, to form her into something she wasn’t. I refused to enjoy her, her thoughts, views on the world and quirks. I love Smiles so deeply and I don’t think I’ll ever loose that. I just wish and lament the fact that I treated her so poorly.
I realized a couple of nights ago that I am Steve Carell in Crazy, Stupid, Love. I am miserable and brought my relationship down the point that Smiles had to see other people. I tanked the relationship. I drove her away, drove her to other people. I ruined it and then tried to blame it on her.
I know that this won’t make things better or change the current course of actions. I know that Smiles is over Yeti, not Awesome Yeti or Lame Yeti, but just Yeti. I expect that Smiles will date someone else and see if there are cooler people out there. There certainly are, especially if you’re thinking of lame Yeti. I will let that happen, that is all I deserve for how badly I’ve treated her. And all the while I will return to Awesome Yeti. I will become even cooler than the person Smiles was first attracted to.
I can’t wait to treat Smiles the way she deserves (I’ve already begun). Not as a concept, an idea or a salvation. But as the intelligent, smart, cute wonderful lady that I love so deeply.
I’m not doing any of this for Smiles but for myself, this is who I am.
I will say I’m also not going to let go of Smiles, she is the one I love and that is how it is. She left me for the same reason I left her – she wasn’t the person I started dating. Well I’m going to one up that person and be the person she knew was deep down, Awesome Yeti.