Rebirth

I have been reborn. The taro reading told me I was going to be reborn but I didn’t realize it would be as intense as this. I feel like a new person. I spent this past weekend in State College and the experience was exactly what I needed. I started it being miserable but I ended it being a entirely new person.

The experience began with me crying in the car driving up to State College Saturday night. I wasn’t having a bad time I was having a earth shattering time. All I new was crumbling and I was rejecting the person I had become. I realized how many mistakes I had made, so many mistakes so many mistakes. I listened to Chicago by Sufjan Stevens over and over again.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’ve made a lot of mistakes

But during the drive I promised to make right on those mistakes and I did just that. I apologized to both my parents and Smiles, sincere apologies. The conversation with my mom was amazing. I told her all I had hidden all that had gone on in my life I was finally honest with myself and with her. I explained why Smiles had left me and accepted that burden on myself – not on Smiles for leaving but for me pushing her away. For being the horrible person I had. This conversation broke down the barrier I had with my parents and now they are what they are supposed to be loved ones who just have a hard time showing their feelings.

Smiles is currently seeing someone and I’m happy for that. I hope he makes her as happy as I should have. But I must say that I am amazingly better and that I am not going to let her go. I’m going to fight for her, I’m going to show her that I deserve her. I’m going to show her that she wants to be with me. I’m going to show her I’m even better than the person she first met so many years ago – not the person I’ve been since then. and need to let go of the thoughts of being with her. I have since realized that this is true. That she is over me and I must be over her for us ever having a chance, a chance, of anything in the future.

My rebirth has been as a new age hippie of sorts. I have finally excepted what my rigid principles didn’t allow me. I let things happen, let people be who they are and I believe whatever I want to believe. It’s going to take a bit to make it completely true. But it’ll be a fun trip along the way.

My weekend simply felt like a spiritual awakening. I feel like a whole new person. I am happy and simply high on life. I spent all day at work yesterday feeling as though I was actually high. I’m so much more optimistic and high spirited. I’m an enjoyable person to be around and talk to. To say it simply I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long long time.

It’s all such a strange feeling. The feeling of returning home and feeling like I haven’t been there for months. Like I haven’t seen people for months. Like everything is completely new and fresh and awesome.

I’m going to leave this blog post with a word from a friend. He posted the following on facebook. Something I’m going to consciously live by:

“How you spend you day is, of course, how you spend your life.”

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