Where I am now

Over the past couple of months my life has been a roller coaster. My posts have been filled with colorful titles and very impassioned words about how things are supposed to or are going to be, not to mention the number of new starts I’ve had. Well I’ve finished my new starts and have begun actually moving forward from those fresh starts.

I realized over the past years how much I’ve neglected myself. I made my life about Smiles and she did the same about me. We made our life about us as a unit not about ourselves. We didn’t grow as people, just the opposite. Now that we are over for good I feel myself returning to where I was before dating Smiles. I’m the cool exciting guy who is trying to find himself and overcome barriers that society erects.

While at times I feel as though I didn’t move forward over the past 3+ years I realized I have in some ways and haven’t in others. I’ve experienced and learned a lot, and know much more about respecting myself – which is key to respecting anyone else. The ways I did fail to grow in are routes I’m currently travelling and the growing will come soon.

The one thing that unknowingly helped me the most was nihilism. I was a nihilists for well over a year. During this period I became increasingly filled with despair and disgust for most things. I lost my meaning in life and didn’t think you could truly have any meaning in life. This process was very very destructive. I destroyed many things in my life – many things that needed to be destroyed. For you can only erect new structures once you destroy the old ones polluting the landscape.

Smiles and my breakup shattered me and my understanding further and left me on my own to recreate myself. Finally I was allowed to be myself and nothing else – the only guidance was from my friend and family – the people who knew me best. I visited many of them and remembered and leaned upon them so I could begin growing once more. I have since reconstructed who I am and gotten far beyond Smiles. I am striving now to do and be what I want and won’t let much of anyone get in my way.

I look back on Smiles (who I haven’t and won’t talk to for months to come) and feel bad for her. I see the path she is going – a path where she sucks the love out of all those she cares for and all who care for her. Her lack of love or respect for herself disallows her from treating others with real love and respect. This is why Smiles treated me the way she did and stole so much from me. She didn’t have any of what she stole from me. This is what makes me sad – these are things I would have and did freely give to her. But you can’t fix problems like these for someone else only they can.

Instead all I can do and all I should do is move on and focus on myself. Continue to grow and start living again. That is what life is truly about – living. Something much harder than any of us realize as we float through it existing.

As a roommate put it, “Dying is accessible to everyone.” But living is a little big harder to grab onto.

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