The Queer I’ve Always Been

I’ve spent the past few months and years trying to figure out who the hell I am. For the longest time I was whatever people wanted me to be. A intensely calculated mask that could please everyone around me. Sadly I was never happy and was depressed and suicidal for most of these years. I just couldn’t figure out who I wanted me to be.

I first shaved my legs in college and began growing out my hair on my head. The first person I “came out” to was Smiles. I told her that I liked more feminine clothing. She told me to keep it a secret. I fought her on that but mistakenly over time gave in. I threw out all my “fag” clothes and wore drag for a few years. It ruined me and our relationship.

I finally broke out of wearing drag after my existential crisis, when I left nihilism and started being who I wanted to be. The more I understood who I was emotionally and spiritually the more I realized who I really was. I began to realize what and who I’ve been the whole time.

My roommate Jamie has been awesome help on understanding my realizations. James is a female bodied trans person. They even go by a gender neutral pronoun. Sometimes they act masculine, sometimes feminine. They present much more masculine, wearing men’s pants and shirts, but occasionally wear tights and dresses. Conversations with Jamie has really helped me understand where I am and where I am going.

Overtime I’ve begun wearing more and more feminine clothing, dangle earrings and mascara. I’ve kept this somewhat secret but I’m tired of living a secret life, I want to live my life loud and proud. I want people to know that I am a tomboy in a boys body. I may be a boy on the outside but I’m a girl on the inside. I’ve begun taking larger steps to make this clear, including taking supplements and utilizing a breast pump to give myself breasts.

In case you’re wondering (I’m sure you are, because so am I) of how far I plan on going, or when I’m going to go in for sexual reassignment surgery. I’m pretty certain that I’m not. I’m going to take a cue from all the awesome transgendered women in my life who are still women and still be a man. I’m going to dress more feminine and act more feminine but I’m don’t plan on fully transitioning to a women.

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I certainly would feel better having been born a woman, but it’s too late now. I have lived 25 years as a boy and I can never undue that. Instead I’m going to make myself outwardly and inwardly appear and feel like the person I want to be. To be that in between, to be that queer person who is who they are – not who society has been telling them to be. I’m sick and tired of being who I’m supposed to be, so I’m not going to be. I’m not going to be a man or a woman, because I’m neither and I’m both. I’m yeti.

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One thought on “The Queer I’ve Always Been

  1. Pingback: Surgery, Hormones, and Our Heavily Gendered Society | CASBALOG

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