Allowing yourself to be suddenly thrust into being the person you are and not a imitation of others makes one question everything one was. From the way I walked and talked to the things I loved and enjoyed, I haven’t been sure who I am. I felt lost in an empty ocean, unsure of where I came and where I was going. I did feel the freedom to be who I am and I did end up remembering who I was in that wide and empty ocean. I remembered that I was on a path, I’ve been walking on it for years.
After my first relationship with smiles I felt as though I lost myself. I couldn’t remember who I was or what I liked without her. I felt like I was in a daze. This is probably because I was in a daze while I was with her, while I slowly lost myself to her. I couldn’t answer questions like what I enjoyed doing, I would go with the flow so much that when the flow wasn’t flowing I was completely stopped, not sure of where to go next.
This feeling eventually faded but I didn’t feel like the strong person I had been in the past, simply a remnant of who I was and what I liked. A sort of shell of the person I was still bumping along trying to figure it all out. Figuring out my gender helped but I still felt this strange feeling as though I was trapped in an endless ocean. I couldn’t remember where I had come from or where I was going. I latched onto roommate and friends and tagged along doing fun things they choose to do.
During the past years I rarely initiated hanging out and doing something with anyone. Instead I waited in my room for people to call me to give ideas of what I would like doing. Luckily this started to come to an end recently. A roommate frustrated me with disrespect and helped me realized I was tagging along both mentally and in actuality with them and many others.
I felt helpless at first, but then I realized I wasn’t in an ocean, I was on the strange path I’ve always been on. I grabbed my longboard and when for a ride to explore. I took my shoes of and walked around barefoot, wandering through fields and up strange roads. I went places you aren’t supposed to go and that no one does go.
While I’m free to do anything from make my on handshakes up to decide my own gender, I’m not free to be anything I want. I am yeti. I am already a person who has loves and desires. And that isn’t going to stop anytime soon. Instead I’m going to pick up where I left off and keep going down the strange path that life has in store for me. Hope I see you along the way.