This past weekend I was a supporter for Majesty as he went on a vision quest at the circle where he does American Indian rituals. I entered the circle feeling doubts and hesitation about doing all of this. This was my second time visiting and first time sweating with them. I was honored to have Majesty ask me to support him and decided to suspend my disbelief and simply go with the flow. This strategy worked out amazing and led to some wonderful times, strong emotions and powerful realizations.
Majesty has been doing the circle for 5 years now and this was his 4th vision quest. On the vision quests questers go up into the woods behind the circle leader’s house. They are supposed to stay in a little fenced in area about 7′ by 3′. They can only leave to go to the bathroom and only in the daytime and they aren’t allowed to eat or drink anything for 4 days. In the meantime supporters are eating, doing sweat lodges and singing for them.
The first day I went into the sweat lodge we did 4 doors (or sessions). Two with the vision questers and two without. In the middle we walked the vision questers to their new homes for the next few days. The homes were within earshot of each other to allow for singing and support but not within vision. We then went back and sweated again. The final door was very intense and brought up emotions I had been burying, specifically about being trans. I was so overcome with emotions for Andy and for my gender related thoughts that when I left the sweat I stared at the fire and cried.
The community there was very supportive and positive. I met many people there I hope to see again and felt nearly part of a family. I felt as though I could share most of my true feelings with these people despite only knowing them for a short time. My only complaint with the atmosphere would be the normaling of gender roles; it seemed like all the women cooked and all the men labored. There were a several comments reinforcing this mindset too. Though a friend and I helped to break these down by her doing more of the hard labor and me doing the cooking, etc.
I tried to be at the circle as much as I could but work prevented me from being there quite a bit. I was only able to enjoy the first and the last sweat and I had to stay home one night too. This tore me up because I really wanted to be there and felt very strange being in the real world. Whether at the circle or at home I was very emotional this whole time and thought of Majesty quite a lot. While I know we were close friends before I feel an even deeper closeness now and I would consider Majesty family without a doubt.
The circle was also enjoyable just in cooking and hanging out, I talked to very nice people and picked up some cooking skills. The environment there was hard not to enjoy and felt like the ideal environment where people are open, nice, cooperative and are more forthright about what they want and how they feel. I also realized that I really need to stop looking at others and trying to fit in to society. Instead I need to be what I feel and do what I love. Whether that be chanting native songs in the woods or wearing skirts and wandering the city. Finally one of the questers told me quite a nice thing when I said goodbye to him. He said that I have a wonderful energy within me and that I need to show it, he saw it the second time he met me before he went on his quest. I’ve been working on revealing this and now I will have to work even harder.
I’ll leave you with a song that I’ve been feeling a lot through all of this