As I mentioned on my bike trip post I had the joy of telling everyone I was going to be transitioning. I told everyone I was going to get electrolysis to get rid of my beard hair and I was going to go on hormones. I since have become less sure of how I’m going to get to where I want to go, but am no less sure of where I am going.
My quest has me figuring out how far to go to become who I feel like I am. My roommate Jamie identifies more with masculinity and struggles to be themself through dress, dreams of breast removal surgery and fights the gender binary. While on the opposite side hero Andreja Pejic recently got bottom surgery and is very happy with herself. She took androgen blockers starting at a young age and passes fairly well as a woman, and a gorgeous one. Now the question for myself is how far do I want to go. With surgery available to change everything from my breasts and butt to my vocal chords, what is a lady to do?
As you know I have been taking steps, slowly working on getting breasts, dressing and acting more femme. And quite recently I’ve begun going by different pronouns: they/theirs/them and among some people she/hers/her. This slow forward movement has helped me realize that the largest part of transitioning is transitioning your mind, accepting yourself for the gender you are.
But when you get out in the world, people are always staring, confused and sometimes downright rude. I’m been told by strangers numerous times that I’m a boy and some have even told me I’m a gay boy. I’ve even been harassed by a gaggle of 5 year olds. While the battle is internal it is also very external. Being comfortable with yourself makes the external battle easier to handle, but it doesn’t make it go away.
This stress of being in public and harrassed got me caught up in trying to convince society I was a woman and forgetting about convincing myself. That is why I wanted hormones, I just wanted to be accepted for who I am, but doesn’t everyone? I will never say that I’m never going to take hormones but I will say I’m not going to take them now. I don’t want to, I want to be me I don’t want to be what people think I’m supposed to be. I want to live somewhere in the middle right now and I desperately want to live and be accepted as a woman.
This struggle and tension between these two sides stresses me out but there are many people in my life to remind me to not get caught up in it. A very sweet person who reminds me is Big S. She doesn’t care that I have stubble, no breasts, wide shoulders and no butt. She sees me as beautiful lady I am, which confuses this previously straight cis-woman quite a bit. Reactions of supportive and accepting people catch me and remind me to be me and to feel like me and not fight to have others see me as me. Others will never see me how I do, but I can see myself how I am and my close friends can and then and only then will others begin to see me for who I am.
My current plan is to get electrolysis on my face, chest and stomach. I plan on going to therapy to talk to someone about all this. I don’t plan on taking hormones, or getting any sort of surgery in the close future. Instead I plan on being happy with myself. My shoulders are to broad, but so are other women’s shoulders. I have no butt, and so do other women. I am hitting second puberty and my breasts are begining to bud. And like every lady out there I am not perfectly beautiful and never will be, but I can be happy who I am – that’s all you can ask for.