As many already know, in Philadelphia I truly embraced nihilism. Nothing made any sense. Nothing was right, everything was wrong. There was no purpose or meaning and no inherent value or worth to anything, both in my personal perspective and my perspective of western society. Nothing is sacred, nothing matters. Nihilism made sense because nothing made sense. But as soon as one thing makes complete sense everything else becomes glaringly wrong.
I look back at this time and it all begins to make sense, all of my past makes sense and is all foreshadowing what is happening today. Philadelphia was part of my boyhood campaign to try to be a boy. I gave up all that I was and killed off my soul, she cried everynight and I thought I was a boy. But after months of hearing her cry I began to accept her and began giving her freedom, now her freedom is most of the world. Soon second puberty will hit and she will be intergrated with my body.
Through this acceptance I have become significantly happier but I have had many bad times and stressful times. Most recently I started freaking out about where I am going in life. What I’m going to do what I’m supposed to do in life, what the purpose is. And suddenly I realized that I was finally free.
For the past many years I knew the answer to these questions, nothing made any sense so whatever anyone else told me made just as much sense so I did that. Now I am free, it is truly terrifying. I’m an adult and making adult decisions I’m making decisions like growing up to be the woman I have always been meant to be. I can finally choose the future by myself. I get to do whatever I want to and there is no one to look at for direction.
As I walk the line to becoming a woman at times I am paralyzed with fear, overwhelmed with decisions and how they will change my future. I am walking uncharted territory with my advice coming from youtube videos and forum posts. My anxiety disapates as Big S takes me shopping, now her nickname makes even more sense as she acts like my big sister picking out clothes and giving advice on how it fits. Then I remember who I am, what I’ve done and stop thinking I’m lost in an endless ocean. I’m just exploring a new land, but it’s only new to me.
I feel like so many of my blog posts start from a beginning you all have already heard about. But each and everyday I look back at my beginning and it makes a little more sense. I understand why I was so torn up inside when I was harassed for wearing a purple backpack on my first day of class, I wasn’t allowed to like purple because I wasn’t a girl. I wasn’t allowed to play the flute because I wasn’t a girl. I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my friends in the girl’s bathroom because I wasn’t a girl.
I am a girl and I’ve been one the whole time. Me, my soul is a girl and she always will be. She is trapped in the mind and body of a boy, but she’s coming to terms with it as my mind comes to terms with it. She’s kind of excited because she’s a pretty big tomboy and what better way to be a tom boy than to be a boy an then a girl. Adventure and play with the freedom that boys get and then hit second puberty, grow some boobies and get a butt. And now my story seems to be helping me figure out where to go next, go to school become a therapist and help others be themselves, help others through these same problems. Maybe now it makes almost too much sense.