Lights On!

I’ve been in the dark for years. I was in the dark about who I was, what I wanted to do with my life, even my sex. But now the lights keep turning on. All of a sudden I can look back upon my dark path and see that I somehow managed to go as straight as possible despite the darkness. Now that the lights are on I can make a more conscious effort in who I am and where I am going. Now I can finally see and become the person I’ve always been trying and meant to be.

Obviously finding out my real sex, a woman, has made me feel much better about who I am. It also helped me resume a journey I had started long ago. In college I began to slowly explore my gender, but more importantly I also started exploring what I believed in. I went to a bible study to learn about what other thought of god. I started conceptualizing myself as god and sought out my true self. I thought about the meaning of so many things, from why trash is valuable but has no value to patriarchy and capitalism.

Finally one of the last things I took on was monogamy when I found myself seeing two people at the same time. None of us were ready for that, and it led to me not taking on any new battles for a while. To make a really long story short after a few months of tension I had a mental breakdown and was left with the more loyal and vanilla of the two, Smiles. I stopped exploring my gender and the world around me and slowly drifted into bad habits, and nihilism.

But now my spirit is free and so thirsty for knowledge. I have grown so many new understandings of how the world works, especially with the help of my two spiritual roomies, Jamie and Cha. I have begun meditating each morning. I have begun reading about mindfulness, meditation, and buddhism. I have finally begun bettering myself and am working to enlighten myself and my spirit. To love myself for who I am and love others and become a truly compassionate individual.

Before I was stumbling in the dark feeling out objects and trying to figure which way to go. Now that the lights are on I can see my path and see that I have been going the right way the whole time. I majored in anthropology to expand my world view. I was an activist to act upon my knowledge and expand my power and confidence. I was a nihilist because I had to and I saw the same darkness so many others have. I have been trying to make sense of my world and understand my surroundings every step of the way.

And now I know that counselling is the field I want to get into. I want to better myself and learn to empower others to do the same thing. Self-empowerment, something I’ve been obsessed with for years is finally a real thing I can do for myself and eventually for others. And every day that passes I feel myself closer and I feel better about who I am. There is still a long journey ahead but I’m so eager to embark upon it.

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