Yesterday I went on a long walk and asked myself that question. I cried. I hadn’t wondered that for too long. For the past 5 months I have been trapped in relationship world. Big S mattered more and more in my life until I started wondering what to do between times we hung out, what’s the point? Finally after some tough conversations I’m on my own and I’m asking myself, what do I want?
Big S and I had a relationship that quickly escalated and then slowly devolved from relationship to some weird mix of friend and relationship. A thin fishing line pulled me along since the beginning. But don’t think just because I was being drug along that I wasn’t complicit, I was beyond complicit I encouraged it. I couldn’t see what was going on and tried my best to be honest with myself and with Big S, I wanted to be in relationship world and I was going to do everything to make it work with Big S and I. Big S was just caught up in a wake of my love thinking it was one of the best things. She lied to herself and trudged alone confused and unsure what to do about my cries for her honesty. Both of us refused to acknowledge that the first week of our relationship controlled the remaining 5 months.
I progressively started asking myself harder and harder questions and realized that this wasn’t good and it wasn’t going to work out. I latched onto her in a large part because she loved me. I wanted that love and that vision of me as a woman when I felt nothing like one. She saw me so clearly as me that I might as well have never been a man before, even when I had 3 days of stubble. But not having that love for myself and not developing that view independently of Big S made me need her around to be okay with who I was.
Finally I started to understand what was going on. I understood the hopelessness in our relationship and my disinterest in being with Big S romantically. Big S heard what I said and agreed. She admitted to stringing me along and questioned herself and her actions a lot (rightfully so). She got frustrated and I cried. There was good in this relationship, real good. But it dragged so much that it began hard to see where the good started and the dragging ended.
That’s when I went on my walk. That’s when I asked a question I should have a long time ago: What do you want yeti?
After I wiped away the tears I said out loud, “I want to be a woman.”
That’s all I want right now, I want to be a woman. I want to meditate to be mindful, fun and present. I want to be my true self I want to escape ignorance and be happy with me, not with or because of Big S or anyone else. I want to be happy alone, with my lovely and wonderful friends. I want to be free. I want to be me. And I’m going to do just that, and she is gong to be a wonderful person that everyone will want to know, in fact she already is.