Falling Up

About every 3 to 4 months for the past couple of years I’ve made music CDs that catalogue what I’ve been through and what songs took me there. I’m posting this one online to share it with y’all the music that’s been in my head and to give you tidbits about what these songs have meant to me in the past few months. Songs to me are time markers, they are pages from my diary that I cannot erase.

1. She Don’t Use Jelly – The Flaming Lips
This song has been stuck in my head for months. I don’t know the words beyond the first verse but I’ve liked it for a long time. I honestly think part of the reason I like this song is just because I like saying she in reference to myself. Either way this has overlapped Let Me Go by Cake as my song to sing absent mindedly.

2. Mozart’s House – Clean Bandit
When I was running I listened to this song a lot. I almost went to Toronto to see them with some good friends. “So you think electronic music is boring. You think it’s stupid. You think it’s repetitive… well it is repetitive.”

3. FuckMyLife666 – Against Me!
Laura Jane Grace has been a hero of since she came out as a transwoman. This song helped remind me that “All things meant to be destroyed, all moments meant to pass.” I was grasping for relationships and moments to stay forever. That never happens. In this song Laura is singing about her marriage – they seemed to be staying together at first, but her wife couldn’t do it, seeing her transition was too much. It hurt me to know that, now it is a important lesson to appreciate these moments when they are there.

4. Take Me to Church – Sinead O’Connor
This song is so powerful. The video of her famous song playing over top of it is so powerful. “I am the only one that I should adore.” Lessons I hope to live by.

5. Habits – Tove Lo
I originally didn’t want to have this song on this list. I don’t like what it says, but I feel what it says. I listened to this song on repeat for days. Sometimes it is hard to keep people off your mind, they just become habits.

6. The View – Modest Mouse
I like this song years before, but it began to ring true recently. “As life gets longer awful feels softer. Well it feels pretty soft to me. And if it takes shit to make bliss, then I feel pretty blissfully.”

7. Paralytic States – Against Me!
I feel the lyrics of this song. I feel her dysphoria. I am not quite the woman I wanted to be.

8. Dust Clears – Clean Bandit
When I first listened to this song I imagined that certain parts of my life weren’t true. One of those parts was that Big S wasn’t real, that I was making her all up in my mind. Interestingly I have come to realize that is somewhat true. I mistakenly made her into more than she was and succeeded in messing up that friendship and messing with my own head for months.
The song also reminds me and makes me happy when it says, “It may get harder, cause you’ve just restarted.” Because I felt that, I am changing my sex and how I view myself. It was harder, but I am just restarting.

9. Sky is Broken – Moby
This song is epic. I listened to Moby over and over again when arriving to visit Philly for the solstice. This song makes me think of the x-files (this song plays in it) and reminds me of Moustache. Moustache and I love Moby and would listen to him as we both got somber while working on bikes in Philly.

10. Cow Cud is A Twin – Aphex Twin
Aphex Twin is very calming and I listened to him to take a break. This song is especially head nod friendly. This album was on repeat for a relaxing few weeks.

11. Reflektor – Arcade Fire
Reflections, that is all things are in this world, reflections of reflections of reflections. We don’t see what is really happening, only a reflection of ourselves. We see in others what we have in ourselves.
Not to mention, “Thought you were praying to the resurrected, turns out it was just a reflektor.”

12. #1 – Moon Hooch
I listened to Moon Hooch on and off during this time period. I decided to finish the play list very happy, because that is what is happening. As days go forward I feel myself shedding layers of baggage and smiling more and more.

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