Responsibility

What is your responsibility as a person? I have always felt that I was responsible for my actions and how the affected people. In time I extended this and became responsible for partners’ emotions, other’s feelings and much more. Through talking to others, reading and witnessing different events I’ve begun to realize the most important thing to be responsible for is your own well being. Without that you will struggle taking responsibility for anything else and will have a hard time caring for yourself.

This realization was cemented this weekend when my friend and roommate, Mouse, was having a very difficult time. We went to a state park to celebrate Mouse’s birthday and on the second day he found himself haunted by traumas, depression and suicidal desires. His partner Q was there and became agitated when they found out he had isolated himself when what he really needed and wanted was companionship. I tried my best effort to talk it through with him and to help him let go of the black dog’s grip. But it was to no avail, he was stuck.

I left our conversation and felt weighed down and wanting to cry, just as he was. Q felt responsible for Mouse and Mouse felt like he deserved Q’s help. I decided to let go of any obligation and sadness I felt. I put it back in the room with Mouse. I decided to be responsible for myself. I looked at Q and Mouse’s relationship and saw a codependent relationship that I had been in time and time again.

Being responsible for your own feelings is extremely important. People, even partners, cannot read your mind. They can hear your words though, especially when you say your emotions and ask for things. I’ve been taking the hard steps recently to express these to friends and have had great responses. Most people do not intend to harm others and apologize when they do. The worse response I’ve received is being told that I’m overly sensitive. To which my response was, “that’s how you made me feel.”

I spend hours out of days figuring out what to say in certain situations. How to engineer it to make it go the best as though it is a chess game that you have to plan 10 moves ahead. My most relieving responses thus far have been what I felt at the time. Not chess moves, feelings and what I feel in the present moment.

This is why I’m writing to suggest being open and honest with yourself and others and being responsible for yourself and your well being. The two go hand in hand and asking for what you need is an essential step in being able to help others with what they need. We need a world of strong, emotionally independent people if we expect to build the wonderful world we dream about.

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