I’ve been doing EDMR with my therapist for a few months. This is an amazing therapy technique that lets you bring up and shed off past traumas. My last going to therapy it I felt like I was going to throw up. My therapist said that something is coming up and we will get it to come up next time, which was 3 weeks away. Half way through that time and 5 days before election day it came up in the form of a dream:
My therapist was between offices. She was deciding to stop working in the one office and move to another one and I was there as she was gathering up her things. She was somewhat preoccupied so I began busying my mind, something I am very skilled at. There was this huge watermelon rind, only half of it was in the room but it was about 10 feet long and 4 feet tall and wide. I was cutting slices off of it with a large bread knife.
My therapist noticed what I was doing and told me to stop busying my mind to be present. Suddenly I woke up. I felt myself whimpering and a tingling sensation over my neck and then over my genitals. I rip of the covers and suddenly I know. I know something that I don’t want to have happened I don’t believe did happen, something that can’t be true.
I jump to thinking about the consequences of this, about having to go to court, about ruining this persons life, about how this could happen to someone else by this person. Then I think how can I know it is her. My memory isn’t there it’s just a feeling, only my body remembers. I want to forget that this happened, I want to go back to sleep. I can’t. I can’t even stop crying. I reluctantly write it down in my journal and it becomes a little more real.
The next day I get to work and tell my coworker and friend I had a weird dream, she asks, “do you want to talk about it?”
I respond, “I don’t think I’m ready to have had that dream.”
Then I go to the bathroom and cry uncontrollably. I curl up and sit in the corner of the bathroom and cry. That’s when the synchronicity starts happening, I begin seeing watermelons different places. Watermelons in a dream refer to sexual energy. And they keep reminding me so I don’t forget. It feels like they are taunting me, but I realize they are just reminding me, just helping me to believe.
Walking home that night from work I was overwhelmed with a feeling of vulnerability. I was terrified of being attacked. I walked as fast as I could and had my computer open as I listened to music on my computers speakers to comfort me. When I got home I found Jamie and was able to finally confide with someone. Finally admit what I thought happened, finally share my fear. My reality that I was molested by my babysitter when I was young.
It took forever for me to say the words, I stumbled and cried. I refused to believe it and worried about what I would do. I worried about what my mom would think. She knows this lady, she also (quite literally) wrote the manual on how to deal with child sex abuse in the school district (post-Sandusky). I’m worried about unanswerable questions: Did she touch anyone else? Would she touch someone else? Did she touch my brother? My friends?
She just friended me on facebook about a month earlier and I thought that was why I thought of her. But that may just be why it came up. I cannot believe that she didn’t do it. I cannot believe it didn’t happen. I had some doubts the first day. But when I went into work the second day and started uncontrollably crying once more I knew. I was touched to my inner core, damaged by what she did. She affected apart of me I could never imagine. I was suddenly viewing my childhood through a different lens. Through the lens of someone who has been sexually abused. It all started to make more sense.
I told my therapist a week later. It couldn’t be any more real a that point, and she only further confirmed my belief. She said that traumas like these the person will leave their body making for no true memory of the event. Instead in it’s place is the body’s memory. My body remembered what happened and what I felt despite my minds best attempts to protect itself.
The last bit of synchronicity showed itself when I got home. I felt validated. It all started to make sense and I felt very assured. I turned on the radio and heard the song below and these lyrics: “How your body still remembers things you told it to forget, how those furious affections follow you.”
I wrote this post about two weeks ago. Since them it has come up for me a bunch of times, but I’m starting to accept it. In fact even better I’m starting to let that go, let go of my facade and be real me.