Disassociate

The past few days I lost my shit and not in a totally normal way. Loosing my shit happens so frequently to me it feels like a way of life, but being present and aware of what is happening when I loose my shit is painful and too real. Instead I am left with a guilty feeling as I realize how much I am not dealing with my shit when I loose it.

It starts Monday afternoon, I’m at my therapist receiving EMDR treatment. It’s a treatment meant to shed of past traumas. I have been doing this for many months on and off. Recently I seemed to be getting through some serious shit. That shit emerged in a very exciting way. During the EMDR the world began shaking. My eyes weren’t moving but the whole world was. This isn’t a new feeling for me I’ve been feeling it for years. I have felt it a lot during EMDR sessions too. Normally my therapist, R, tries to ground me and make it stop, that day she decided to have me lean into it.

The world shook and then it shook more. It’s not a nuanced feeling for me so I was fine with it until… Suddenly the world started rotating, VERY quickly. I grabbed the arms of my chair and tried to stop myself from being pulled to the right. Then I started balling. The tears came down uncontrollably and R started telling me that I was here and it was just a memory and that I was disassociating. She explained what disassociating was and kept telling me that I was safe and that I was not in my memory. Instead I was experiencing a memory where I had disassociated. After it passed I was completely disoriented and felt like I was in outer space.

R helped me get down from outer space and more present. She wasn’t able to bring me the whole way down though. We were running overtime so she walked me out and told me not to drive home until I felt better. I felt myself retreating further into my head and called Jamie. Jamie helped ground me even more. I took my shoes off and felt the ground. I felt myself descending into my body and I felt more present.

I drove home with the mission from R to not isolate myself and to eat grounding, salty foods. I felt myself being more and more grounded. I also felt a lot of support, from Jamie and many other friends supporting me. I even had a friend text me randomly saying she was thinking about me. I felt supported, I felt good.

did

Fast forward to Friday at lunch. I hadn’t meditated in the morning so I did so during my lunch break. I started being overcome with a strange feeling. My arms started compulsively moving and much more than recently. After detaching from my body and feeling like I was trapped in a memory I tried to return to my body. I patted my body down to bring myself back so I could go back to work. I cried a bit and thought it passed. Then I wiped away my tears, splashed some water on my face and went back to work.

Suddenly my data entry job seemed wholly and completely pointless. I lost all interest in even pretending to care about entering the data. I went down to our basement and laid on the ground. I rested my head on a low wooden shelf as I lay on my side. Then I closed my eyes and let my body take over, trying to remain as present as possible.

I pushed I pulled and tensed all my muscles, my body was fighting someone, someone who wasn’t there, someone who hasn’t been there for a long time. It became too much when I couldn’t stop my first from flailing around fighting of my attacker. Shortly after that I heard people looking for me. I physically returned to work but was not present. I was so dazed that I walked directly into the entryway of a door, not the edge, full steam into the wall.

I left work, went home and couldn’t believe reality. I left home and went to the park where I was to meet some friends. I confessed to one of them my feelings and she made me feel like it was much more reasonable to be like how I am than I expect to hear, she told me this feeling was something everyone feels and made realize I may be feeling crazy but I’m really not. I tried my best to push the feeling aside, having told someone about it, but this again was a failure. I have yet to learn my lesson about pushing things to the side, it has yet to do anything but delay the inevitable.

But I was able to delay it I just had to rampage. This is what I normally do when everything seems crazy. I drank liquor, I smoked cigarettes, I ate weed rice crispy treats. And then I ran around like a maniac. I climbed buildings, I jumped into fountains, I acted and felt insane. 4:30 am I finally went to bed feeling like garbage. I had run from my problems I had finally got to see and experience what I had been doing for the last few years when I rampaged. I had just been running from myself and from my problems.

Now I’m here today, feeling somewhat hungover, fairly irritable and with the same problem from yesterday. I need to get past my traumas, I need to feel safe being present in my body, in the present. Now to figure out how to accomplish that.

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