“Anybody want some?” asks Clean Grin.
Chemistry shakes her head as does Spaced.
Spaced says, “I feel weird about it because I could be drug tested any day at work. If a workers comp related thing or accident happens they drug test me. If one of the kids bites me or I got in a car accident and had to go to the hospital and I wouldn’t have the time to buy someone else’s pee on the way.”
A few people laugh.
“You know you can’t just say, ‘Wait! before we go to the hospital I need to go to the head shop to buy some pee,'” says Spaced
More laughter occurs and Clean Grin turns towards me, offering me some. I shake my head.
Then I think, “What do I have to loose? I feel impulsive, nobody else is doing it, sure yeah, you’re right.”
“Actually I’ll have some.” I say to Clean Grin.
Clean Grin turns back towards me and hands me the one hitter and I take what I thought was a short hit that is much stronger and longer than I expected. I cough immediately but this is nothing new.
“Someone get her some water,” says Clean Grin as I continue to cough uncontrollably.
“There’s some water right over here,” points Spaced.
I grab the water and drink some and my coughing begins to slow.
Then I start to realize I’m going to get solidly high, nothing like a good cough to tell you that it got in your system. Then I begin thinking, “I need to make sure to stay grounded, why did I do this… being high is not a grounded feeling but quite the opposite. Well to late now, time to try to focus on remaining grounded.”
I begin to focus on the ground and send waves of tingly sensations from the top of my body to the ground. This is helping a lot, especially considering how overstimulated I’d be otherwise. I mean I’m high, I’m obviously going to be overstimulated.
Why am I so focused on being so grounded you may wonder? Well that’s because of an intense conversation I had with Spaced and Chemistry. I told them about my struggle with depression, why I’m so protective and controlling over spaces I’m in, and how traumatizing being trans is on a day to day basis. The conversation went good, but I was still going camping with people I didn’t trust. I have spent the last year plus hanging out with only trans or trans-friendly people. These were the first cis friends I’ve had and then are bringing their cis friends that I don’t really feel comfortable around. It worried me but having Spaced and Chem know where I’m coming from calmed me down. I just had to do my best to prevent myself from becoming anxious and overwhelmed, thus why I was trying to remain grounded. In my mind if I remain in my body I can’t get wrapped up in my anxiety like the past four weekends have gone.
I can’t say I stayed grounded but I stayed comfortable and felt safe so anxiety never took hold. I made a few awkward high moves but overall this ends up being my best high experience, and I’m left with a truly good experience of being high instead of an uncomfortable one. But this feeling doesn’t leave in the morning. In the morning I’m still high and I wander around camp very high. That evening I’m also still high. The next day at work I’m still high, and the following evening I am still high. 48 hours have passed and I’m still high. It’s startling being this spaced out, but familiar.
I’m very ungrounded normally. And it wasn’t until I started doing grounding meditation every morning for the past few weeks I realized how bad it was. For 30 minutes I feel fairly grounded, and even briefly afterwards I’m not completely lost in thought. Though, not much later I become suddenly aware that I’ve been spaced out for quite a while. This meditation grounds me but more importantly it shows me know how ungrounded I am, and being high has helped me realize that I’m essentially constantly high.
Towards the end of this experience I began to accept that this is my new reality – I will always be high, I will always feel spaced out. And as I said this isn’t far from the truth. I do always feel this way. I can finally tangibly say that feeling high is my reality. I get fixed onto certain objects and thoughts and I can zone out everything else that is going on which leaves me feeling dizzy when I encounter everything around me. When I’m high this feeling is more extreme, but this is nonetheless how I feel all the time. I’m not sure how I feel about this, but I think this is a huge step the right direction. I feel dizzy and spaced out all the time, but I actually feel it now.
This has been my reality for most of my life and now I’m finally recognizing it. Jamie felt a similar feeling for years and would get high to escape it. Now they no longer feel dizzy. I’m hoping I can be more present in my body and the present and not chronically lost in thoughts. For now I’m going to accept how I feel and focus on trying to get grounded, what happens will happen but I hope it gets better. I hope I can stop getting lost in thoughts all the time and enjoy the present.