You do this all the time Jen, you get caught up in people, you get caught up in their problems to avoid yours, you become so reliant on them that you feel like you need to share all of your emotions with them. You don’t even want to have emotions when they aren’t around. But then I must ask you what is the point of life? what is there to do when I’m all alone? There is nothing going on and nothing to do when they aren’t around. I just feel my emotions overwhelming me I need to exercise that’ll numb me, that’ll stop my racing thoughts.
I just want to run, to run away from everyone I can’t do this I can’t deal with getting sucked up in these people. I can easily put my phone on airplane mode so I can still listen to music and just bike, just hide in the wooded areas of Pittsburgh. It’s cold out but I’ll be able to hide for a little while and then I can go to the library to get warm. I just need to get away from all of these people. Wait! This is just more running. I get caught up in people to run away now I’m getting caught up in running away to run away. What am I running from? Why have I refused to meditate for the last two weeks? What am I scared of?
It must be from being present, I tried to meditate recently meditate and was quickly overcome with tears. It makes sense being present in the moment takes a lot of energy and courage, right? No, that’s not what it is. I know what it is but I don’t want to say. I know what it is but it hurts to know, it hurts to admit it. I’m running from myself. I’m running from her. Her blank face staring back at me, oh how quickly I can see all of her faults. I hate her, the way she stares, the way she looks. I can’t face her. NO!! I won’t I can’t I’ll cut my wrists, I’d rather hang myself then have to look at her and her blank stare. I can’t, I don’t want to see her! I need to take refuge, I need to call Spaced and see what she says about this. I can’t handle this myself. I definitely can’t do this myself. Spaced will give me advice. She’ll… I already know her advice, I’ve heard and given her advice thousands of times by hundreds of people. I have to do this alone. That’s the whole point, I know what I have to do.
I spent New Years Eve running from her. I burnt out from too many emotional conversations I longboarded for hours to find her, to run from her. I wanted my emotions back I wanted to know why and where, I wanted to know what was going on. At 3am I found her. Spaced was falling asleep and there was nothing I could do but cry to myself. That was a hard day, but it was a good day. I got through some shit I had a good time I hard a fucking hard time. But on that day when I was longboarding I felt compelled to listen to Vagabond by Wolf Mother. Listening to this song I danced while riding my longboard. It felt good. It was my pleasant reminder that I can “tell you everything about being free.” because that’s what I’m going for. I’m working on “becom[ing] so absolutely free that [my] very act of existence is an act of rebellion.” -Albert Camus.
It’s hard because I get caught up in hoping I’ll change. I tell myself I’ll love my face, my body once hormones have their full effect. I tell myself I’ll love my face after I have electrolysis finished. I used to tell myself I’d enjoy my body naked after bottom surgery. Putting it off for year after year because I will change and then I will be able to love myself. Where did this type of thinking get Cait Jenner, someone who has unending money for such surgeries? It’s got her worried about looking like a “man in a dress.” Then I think to Spaced and how often she says, “Jenny, you’re the best.” I enjoyed hearing this at first, but now it hurts more and more each time. It hurts because I know it’s true but I don’t believe her, it hurts because I know she can see it but I still can’t. I know I’m being my best to her but I’m not being my best to me.
Now that I’ve calmed down, how do I stop running, and how do I change this? I always think a radical change will help me but I know it’ll just create more problems. For starters, keep up with 3 meals a day, good sleep and start drinking more water. Get back to daily meditation and quick self love session each morning. Also keep checking in with yourself and act upon your urges and feelings, not in an impulsive way but in a I’m going to treat myself right way. And most importantly be easy on yourself. If you’re having a hard time let yourself do something you feel guilty about but don’t feel guilty about it. You don’t harass friends for relapsing you just harass yourself, stop that. You are a work in progress and progress is only made by continuing to work on yourself, not through self-blame. Just keep on in writing in your journal instead of trying to lose all of your time on the internet. Reflecting and appreciating how far you’ve come has been essential in your journey and still is. Keep it up you’re doing great, just keep on keeping on. You’re on the right path and have been for years. And as a good friend said, “If it’s not hard, you’re not gonna grow.”