I am going to do a short update right now because I’m clearly having a hard time writing a longer post. I have one in the works but I’m not sure what the conclusion of the story is so it feels weird finishing it. So far I have two different conclusions to the story that are drastically different and I expect another ending to emerge for said story. So instead here is my short update that is vague but will hopefully give you the essence of where I’ve been over the last 5 weeks.
My life recently has been all out of sorts. I’ve had tons of drama with numerous friends and I’m still trying to sort out what is and has happened. I am not talking to Spaced right now, my relationship with Chem feels somewhat tenuous and I had a big fight with Jamie (but we are cool now). Everything I thought I knew about my main group of friends was thrown in the air. And I’ve realized I haven’t been the person I want to be or the person I know I am recently. I was sucked into an alternate reality and during that time lots of things happened that I’m not proud of.
But now I am on my way out of this world. I’m still scared I’ll go back to these bad habits but they feel farther away everyday. I’m surrounding myself with people I trust and people who truly and always have my best interest. I’m trying to get solidity in my reality but it’s hard. That, you see, is the crux of the problem. I’ve struggled with what my reality is for a while. I used to love getting caught up in other people’s reality. I mean, it’s not hard for me, I don’t believe in my reality. In my reality my history makes no sense. I lived 25 years as a boy but I wasn’t one the whole time. On top of that I was molested as a kid and discovering this information has really fucked with my sense of reality. My history all seems invalid and I can’t tell what things affected what has happened in my life and why I am the way I am.
This all feels very doom and gloom but as with all of my posts, and the way I am in general, things are good, things are getting better. I am getting through bad patterns in my life and have begun to rely upon good people in my life. People I can actually trust, not just people that I do trust. I feel much safer and want to give a shout out to Majesty, Vonne and Heart. These three have helped me deeply in my time of insecurity and I feel a amazing trust for them. Vonne has consistently helped me realize my thoughts aren’t that unreasonable and has just always been there and been present in a truly amazing way. Heart has helped me feel, especially in the hard times and is someone I trust. And Majesty, who is my champion. Majesty is the person who I imagine when I’m scared, he guards me from my molester, he guards me from bad friends and he is an amazing voice of reason. He has my back 100% and I love him so deeply.
And beyond being around people life is tangibly better. I enjoyed my birthday for the first time in so many years. I cannot remember enjoying a birthday, my earliest birthday memory is realizing how much it sucks to have your birthday on valentines day and that was when I was a freshman in high school. But this birthday I was self confident, surrounded myself with friends and was the center of the party. I got pied in the face, made people eat pie off my knees and got friends to lift up me and the chair I was in. I had a blast and I went to visit my family and ended up having the best birthday ever. And I got to spend it with two of my favorite people, Majesty and Spaced.
I’ve also decided to broaden my social horizons and try to find new people and just hang out with friends I keep missing. One more super exciting thing, I finally feel confident enough to go dating. So far I’ve been on one date and have another one tonight. I’ve never gone on dates before, I’ve always just dated friends. This is an uncomfortable scary experience, but I am doing it. And I feel good that I’m in a place where I feel comfortable putting myself out like this.
Things are scary, unsettling, hard, stressful, anxiety provoking, rewarding, relieving, exciting, humbling, and my life is moving forward not necessarily as I hoped, but probably faster than I’d imagine.