6/16: A Day Filled With Despair and a Bicycle Crash as experienced by Jenny

I wake up early at R’s she’s still sleeping. I think about how I’ve hardly gone to work this week. It’s Thursday I should to go today, for the money, and to finish the two projects I’ve been working on. As I lay in bed thinking about this I slowly begin to fully awaken. Eventually I’m awake and energized enough to leave.

I’m at my house before 7am, I shower and shave, dry off and meditate. I’m already half way through my morning routine. I’m relieved because it’s been hard to complete this routine in it’s entirety and I think I’m going to complete it and get to work before 9. I’m on fire! Except when I’m done meditating I don’t have the energy to get up for my meditation cushion… I don’t have the energy to leave my room.

I sigh, frustrated and disappointed I know what’s going to happen now and not much can stop it. I lay in bed half dressed and sleep for 2 more hours. I can’t sleep anymore I can’t really do anything so I just lay in bed. I text R, she doesn’t respond, looks like just me and the bed today! At 11:30 my mom calls to finalize her plans for her visit this weekend. This distracts me enough to get me out of bed. I make breakfast while talking to her on the phone. Egg sandwich and a fruit smoothie. My morning routine is complete as I finish eating my breakfast in bed.

I text R again, she hasn’t responded I hope it’s because she’s actually doing something. I get a response this time, she is also home, she’s also not doing anything. she wishes she could apply for jobs but her computer doesn’t work. Mine wasn’t working last night either but I fixed it this morning. I’m glad that I did because as I text her, “Now it’s easier to kill time.” “I want to kill time dead right now.”

R suggests distracting myself by reading or yoga. I realize I don’t know where my library book is so I decide to listen to a podcast. She’s right it distracts me enough that I find my way out of bed, not yet out of my room but I’m half way there.Then R asks me if I want to donate plasma today. It used to be a ritual of ours every Tuesday and Thursday. but I’ve been deferred recently and didn’t have time last week to donate because of work. I don’t want to donate but I do want to leave the house and accomplish something today.

spots at 4

A half an hour later we meet in the park just as the rain begins. We wait for it to slow in a gazebo. Our appointment is at 4, we have to get there by 4:30 or we aren’t going to be able to donate until at least 5pm. It starts to rain again, R doesn’t have a fender and her ass is getting covered in mud.

When we get off the bike path we keep getting split up taking slightly different routes and them finding each other again before splitting up once more. We’re almost there and it begins to rain harder. The rain is coming down and the wind is blowing. I turn around to see R take a side street, she’s going the back way. I’m jealous and wish I was taking back alleys. I’m on the sidewalk on Western ave. It’s a nice wide sidewalk with no pedestrians and better than my other option to the right, a long line of traffic going the same direction as me. Well at least that’s what they’re trying to do. They are facing that direction but I wouldn’t say they are really moving.

I look ahead and see a silver car’s front bumper emerging from behind a building onto the sidewalk, right in front of my path. I press down on my brakes, but I’m only feet away at the car at this point and combination of the rain and my poorly adjusted brakes only slow me down and I keep getting closer to the car. I stare at the front bumper and decide where to aim. I’m going to aim for the front bumper just to the left of the lights. I’m going to hit it with a slight right angle so I’ll bounce slightly to the right enough that i won’t go in the road but I also won’t slam into the car at a 90 degree angle.

I’m on the ground
I’m standing up with my bike between my legs.
I see the driver get out and run around the back of her car. I hear people asking if I’m okay and don’t know where there voices are coming from. I look to my right and some people in the long line of cars have their windows rolled down.

The driver of the car I hit runs around the side of her car. She’s in her 40s, glasses, black hair in a pony tail, baggy white t-shirt on. She looks like she didn’t really get dressed today. She’s manic right now.

She asks me if I’m okay and if I’m hurt what feels like a dozen times. I stare at her blankly and say, “I’m fine.” one time.
“Are you sure?”
I feel my body moving my arms and legs and briefly looking down at my legs. I have a two cuts on my right knee and a scrape on my left ankle. My arms feel fine, my legs don’t hurt at all. “I feel fine.” I just want to leave, I’m a block away from the plasma place and I just want to go meet R there. I don’t want her waiting in the rain wondering if I got hit by a car.
Someone walks across the street from the bus stop and asks me if I’m alright, I can’t see their face but still respond, “I’m alright.”
The woman asks again, “Can I give you a ride somewhere? I’d really like to give you a ride somewhere, where do you need to go?”
“I’m just going right there,” and point two blocks away to the plasma place, “I’m fine.”
“Are you sure, I’d really like to give you a ride.”
“I’m fine”.
“Is your bike alright?”
I glance down at my bike and try to remember what to check, I can’t remember but I tell myself I checked the handlebars to see if they were twisted I tell myself they weren’t, and then I pick up the front of the bike and kick the front wheel to see if it spins alright. It’s got a slight wobble, the kind of wobble you get if you hit a curb hard or get in minor car crash, fine but needs tuned soon. “Yeah it’s fine.” I reply dismissively.

I just want to leave. I don’t want to be here anymore I’m surrounded by people who are all staring at me I just want to go see R. I don’t like it here. “Are you sure you don’t want a ride? I’d like to give you a ride.”
“I’m fine, I’m almost to where I am going.” I begin to back up to leave. She walks back around the back of her car and before she opens the door I say. “Thanks for stopping to check if I’m okay.” I had to be polite and tell her that, too many drivers hit cyclists and drive away. I appreciate that she didn’t make me a hit and run.

I get to the plasma place and R isn’t there yet. It starts pouring down rain and this wind starts blowing so I wait around the corner of the building occasionally checking the bike rack for R. I’m soaked, and a drop of blood is trickling down my right leg. Finally R arrives and we lock up our bikes.



2 thoughts on “6/16: A Day Filled With Despair and a Bicycle Crash as experienced by Jenny

    • And getting better by the day too! I hope you’re healing up well. I saw you just had surgery. I was very excited for you when I saw the date getting closer.

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