The Last Couple of Months

The last couple of months have been something else. I gained friends, lost friends and had many realizations and amazing experiences. I got over some horrible things and I experienced some horrible things.

The first things that happened was a fight between Spaced and I. She took time from me and I began to realize that she is a manipulative narcissist. Since then I have not really talked to her for about two months and because of her closeness to Chem I’ve also hardly seen her. I don’t trust them, I shouldn’t have trusted them so much. I didn’t know what to do about this situation at first, so I just avoided them. I let time lessen the intensity of this conflict. I let awkward encounters happen without explanation, I left text messages unanswered. Today I finally sent an email to Spaced explaining my feelings. I don’t expect to be friends with her anymore, I don’t expect to care the burden of how she treated me anymore.

Instead I’ve found good people to replace them. I have become close with a coworker, Heart who is so dear to me. I wish she had more free time because I love spending free time with her. She has experienced and experiences things similarly to me so we relate on so much. Talking to her is like talking to a good friend that I’ve had for so many years, a friend that just understands. Also her name is heart on this blog because of her openness, a openness and compassion that has freed me to cry and admit how hard it is when she walks in a room. She’s just a good friend. In addition to her I’ve got a couple other folks that I’ve been spending time with that are new and I’ve been spending time with friends I’ve had for a while, like Preciosas (Von).

During this time I was also struggling severely with being molested. I made a drawing that expressed my feelings.

This says "I still don't feel safe." well over a thousand times.

This says “I still don’t feel safe.” well over a thousand times.

It says “I still don’t feel safe” well over a thousand times. And the song that goes to it is Orgy Drills by Tobacco

I ended up posting this drawing on facebook. That was an emotionally draining day, I was super triggered all day. I got lots of messages of support both private and public and it felt amazing about coming out about this. After the hard day I had an even harder evening as I went to meditation and felt like I was going to be attacked from behind. I was so on edge that I couldn’t even attempt to meditate until I changed seats to have Preciosas and another friend both behind me to protect me. That night I decided to stay over at Hearts house because I just didn’t feel safe alone.

Then a huge victory happened. I suddenly was mostly over being molested. It was amazing and empowering, I felt relieved and victorious, I finally felt like a survivor. A few days later I had a anxiety attack. My next demon had emerged and it felt like self loathing. The day following my anxiety attack I cut myself. First with a key which was dull as fuck, then with a piece of glass I found on the side of the road which was also dull and finally I ripped apart a soda can and actually cut myself. I wasn’t in panicked state, I was calm and angry. Angry at myself for who I was and I later realized for not expressing my feelings.

I heard a transman, Bex, on a podcast describing my experience perfectly. He had just made a bunch of big changes in his life, getting top surgery and no longer drinking Despite those changes he felt miserable and wanted to kill himself and even tried to. He said, “Turns out, that when you transition, beforehand you hate yourself and you’re in somebody else’s body and then afterwards, you hate yourself, but you hate yourself in your own body.”

I feel that a lot and I am only starting to unravel some of the problems that have haunted me. I will soon be free to be me. The problem is the road is a hard road to travel as I think I’ve made it clear. I’ve cut myself numerous times recently, I cut myself to end the feelings I felt, I cut myself because I couldn’t feel or find out how to express my feelings. I reflected upon cutting a lot and I had some helpful words from my Mom. I told her I cut and she responded saying, I know from my work that people do that because you are are overwhelmed are having trouble expressing yourself and I understand you’re going through a hard time. Validating and explanatory. After talking to my therapist more I realized what I was doing, and it feels obvious but it wasn’t at the time. I was cutting myself and showing it off in such an open way because I was trying to scream, “I hurt!” I wanted people to know I wanted people to know how hard it was, but I didn’t understand that I wasn’t explaining myself I wasn’t dealing with the real problem, expressing my feelings. I’ve started doing that more, it feels relieving. And understanding why I cut and why I want to cut makes me now how to stop it and not want to do it.

It’s been a roller coaster of a few months and I will always live in despite of these feelings, in despite of not being able to get out of bed I will have fun. The past months have been filled with canoeing and enjoying time with friends, bike rides and adventures. I’ve worked a lot, gone to a bunch of exciting actions for work and taking breaks and worked little. I’ve also found a new friend that was something more at first. I’m not sure where we are going anymore. But it was nice to be touched and loved for the brief time we did. She’s an adventure queen and is always down for any of my half baked ideas. Friend or lover, I enjoy her. Not ready to give her a nickname yet though, soon.

There ya go casbalog readers. The long overdue update. the negative, the positive and I can see the clouds moving away in the breeze, more are coming but there are less than before. I feel better than I have, worse than I have and things are going a good as I could ever have hoped. I’m enjoying my life.

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Finding Reality 2016.4

It’s that season, the season where I release my new playlist. This it the third playlist in a series that happened (probably not entirely out or chance) to match perfectly a series of classes being offered at the Shambhala meditation center. I took the first two classes: “Who Am I?” and “How Can I Help” (with correspoinding playlists called “I am Who I am” and “What About the World”). The last class is called “What is Real”, I didn’t take this class but I ended up making a playlist in the theme of it anyway. This playlist for me catalogs a time of a lot of tension and disorientation, a time when the friends I trusted weren’t trustworthy and the reality I was experiencing wasn’t really reality. I’m talking mostly about Spaced here. I haven’t talked to her in about two months. With her I have also lost Chem and other friends. But in return I have gained my reality, it’s not as nice as Spaced’s reality is at times but it’s mine and it’s with me all the time, not intermittently. With that reality came a lot I have regained my trauma’s and problems and have now been able to work through them more readily. And finally I have started to realize I deserve better. I deserve friends who understand me, I deserve friends who I appreciate, I deserve to be treated well all the time.

Sadly there is one song that isn’t on youtube but it is available right here it’s song number 4

1. Harvest Moon – Poolside

This is what Jamie listens to. They have a pretty decent taste in music, especially chillin’ music. This song feels like hanging out in the kitchen on those long mornings when we would chat about our lives and views on the world. This feels like chillin’.

2. Crave You – Flight Facilities

Another from Jamie’s pandora station. A more sensual song, but with a similar feel, just chillin’. I can kinda see Jamie dancing to this song, or at least saying, “yeah dripping in gold.” Honestly these first two songs remind me so much of another memory.

I am in the bike shop on Sunday in the winter over two years ago. It’s snowing, it’s cold, the manager has gone home, no customers are coming in. K puts on some music, Surf music. We listen to this beachy, poolside music while staying warm inside and watching the snow fall. Feels perfect.

3. Seattle Party – Chastity Belt

I got this song from Fia, Cha’s roomie in Asheville. They are super cool and have an awesome taste in music, honestly that is where almost all of the music on this playlist is from, so props to Fia for having awesome taste in music.

This song also reminds me of driving on the interstates near downtown Pittsburgh. I’m not doing too hot, I’m feeling overwhelmed like I want to change everything in my life. Chastity Belt is calming me down, and letting me know it’s gonna be alright.

4. Dear Liberals – Lee Reed

IMPORTANT REMINDER THIS IS NOT IN THE YOUTUBE PLAYLIST FIND IT HERE

This song was passed onto me by one of the BLM activist in the area via fbook. Every once and a while I need a reminder where I am and where I belong. All of the lyrics of this song are amazing and spot on.

“Putting green products in their shopping carts like their spending habits could ever offset the suffering”

“Fuck a liberal”

5. Formation – Beyonce

I don’t really know what to add to this song, but apparently Hillary Clinton Keeps hot sauce in her bag *throws up in mouth.*

6. U – Kendrick Lamar

I am in my room about to go to sleep but I have just come to understand this song. I’ve skipped over it for months but now I feel it. I don’t know who he is talking about but it hurts. His hatred and this person, his love of this person, who is it. I get on rap genius and it hurts so much more.

He is singing about himself. *cue tears*

I listen to this song on repeat and cry myself to sleep. The following day it continues to haunt me and I listen to it driving home from work. I hate myself, I hate myself more than you ever could. I hate myself so you can’t hate me more than I do. I hate me so that you hating me means nothing.

7. Blackstar – David Bowie

This song makes me feel so much. I am a black star, I want to always be a black star.

This is the album that David Bowie released before he died to complete his performance. This is also when I found out very underreported facts about how he statutorily-raped 13 year old groupies, while at the same time we all were getting to know about Cosby’s wrong doing (while much worse he notably isn’t white).

David Bowie was such an amazing, free, fantastical figure to have. I loved his music and his style. He flies his black star flag proudly and reminds all the queers and freaks to be themselves and be proud. Thank you Bowie. I am a black star I will do my best to pick up where you left off.

8. Dirt (with Aesop Rock) – Tobacco

This song reminds me of a hilarious memory. I am half way through my art piece, “Molestation.” then I hear Aesop says, “It’s my duty to inform you,” and I slow my work and begin to focus on the music to hear what he is going to say next, “Honey bunches of oats is the greatest cereal every created by man.” And I burst out loud laughing, I just experienced some horrible thoughts writing “I still don’t feel safe.” hundreds of times and this is just hilarious. At the same moment Heart calls me because I texted her something somewhat disconcerting, and I can’t help but answer the phone laughing.

9. 2 Thick Scoops (feat. Serengeti) – Tobacco

Before I figured out how to download them I listened to them a lot on youtube. I would continually replay this song at work. I remember being in the awkward cubby hole I was shoved in using one of the computers at work. My view of a wall that almost entirely surrounds me and I’m there just replaying this song hidden from almost everyone.

“And dream of changing my name to Zack”

10. Forever Heavy – Black Moth Super Rainbow

This song feels like biking to work, biking home and trying to silence some overwhelming thoughts. Thoughts about Spaced mainly but in large part I just needed a break from all the fucking drama in my life. I couldn’t handle it and Black Moth Super Rainbow would shut it out just right.

11. Still Life – Slow Magic

Much the same this song quelled my crazed and paranoid thoughts, it calmed and soothed. I danced to this song on my bike. Dancing my arms around to the music in the breeze. This song freed me of these problems and let me float.

12. High You Are – Why So Not

This is some more surf, poolside music that is so perfect for the winter time, again via Jamie. This is one song where you have to sway, if not full out dance along.

13. Youth Group – Slow Magic

Slow magic is another band that Fia gave to me.

14. Melt Me – Black Moth Super Rainbow

I spent a lot of time listening to Tobacco, because they rock, and because I had the pleasure of seeing them live at Spirit with Jamie and more friends.

I had to put a lot of Tobacco and Black Moth Super Rainbow on this mix. I’ve been listening to it pretty much constantly since I found them in Asheville.

15. Grease Wizard – Tobacco

This song gets me going every time and I am reminded of the first time it caught my ears at Green Gears. I played it a bunch of times that day and jammed out every time.

16. Orgy Drills – Tobacco

This song is wicked. This one caught my ear when I was doing the planning for my Molestation art piece. When I was listening to it church bells were going off in the background and it created a really cool effect. I knew there were church bells going off but wasn’t sure and couldn’t tell which sounds were them and which were from this song.

This is dark, this is perfect for Molestation that I drew about a month ago.

This says "I still don't feel safe." well over a thousand times.

This says “I still don’t feel safe.” well over a thousand times.

17. Mortal Man – Kendrick Lamar

This song really affected me, especially because he asks a question that I can’t completely answer it, or at least not how Kendrick wants me to, “When shit hit the fan is you still a fan?” I think of how I feel about Bowie when I found out what he did. It hurt, I couldn’t just forgive him for it, I still acknowledge what he did but I’m also still a fan, a huge fan but it hurts me.

“I freed you from being a slave in your mind, you’re very welcome
You tell me my song is more than a song, it’s surely a blessing”

This question really hurts me. These songs will still have the impact they do if Bowie did or didn’t do what he did, if Kendrick does or doesn’t get “framed” for something. But it tarnishes their credibility. I understand why Dominique Francon in the Fountainhead buys gorgeous art and destroys it, why she tries to destroy these wonderful creators. Because this things they create are better, more pure than any human could ever be. People will only tarnish their pure and amazing creations. They create an archetype that is unachievable.

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

Someone I’ve been going on dates with has really changed my perspective on darkness. Her name is Beanie and she’s a very socially awkward person who love the outdoors and is super cool, really easy to talk to and makes me feel super safe. We talked about making art prior to our first date and she very much appreciated my artistic style of repetitively writing words hundreds of times. On our date she told me that since we talked she had made a piece that expressed her understanding of what was at the root of everything for her, rejection. Instead of choosing to make art to a dark theme such as rejection she decided to make something about the opposite, embrace. This is the opposite of what I do, my art is filled with darkness, dark themes and horrible energy.

I brought this up on our second outing and I talked about how enthralled by darkness I feel like I am. She said she understood and that she often used to think about more dark thoughts but worked to retrain her brain to use more positive thoughts processes. This was the first time I really acknowledged how infatuated with darkness I am. It’s all around me. As I write this I’m sitting in my room surrounded by dark art I’ve made, art about suicide, cutting and self-hatred, and as I write this I’m listening to Hurt by Nine Inch Nails. I’m crying so hard from the pain I’m putting myself through, through the darkness I’m peering into I can’t even read why I’m typing, I hurt, I am staring into the abyss and it is staring back.

I have been seeing this meme a lot and had to use it when I saw this version of it.

I have been seeing this meme a lot and had to use it.

Why is this happening right now? Why am I doing this to myself. I’m happy I had a good day today, I feel good about today. I spent the whole day working on the garden I even got to hang out with Jamie all day. I feel like it was a rewarding, fulfilling day, but it didn’t take much for that to change. I watched a darker episode of Rick and Morty, the last episode of Season 2. It finishes with a sad scene and the song Hurt by NIN. Now I can’t stop listening to it. Now tears are covering my face.

Why do I do this to myself? Why is it that every once and a while I need to cry like this? Why do I need to torture myself like this? I stare into the darkness and tell myself I deserve this, I need this. I look at my suicidal thoughts, at my self-harm thoughts, or just think about being molested and how it leaves me feeling unsafe and out of control and I just wallow in this hurt. For some reason I need that “old familiar sting,” for some reason I think I need to balance the joy with pain.

As I look at how I feel, how I treat myself I suddenly feel myself calming down and slowing my tears. It doesn’t last though, in the next breathe I think of cutting myself, I think of administering raw pain just to keep my sorrow going. I don’t deserve this period of pain, but part of me disagrees, part of me thinks I’ve been too happy this week, part of me has to bring me down. Why? Why is it that when Beanie talked about not wanting to follow negative thoughts did I found that idea ridiculous? I told myself that is where good art comes from, that is what gives you perspective, that is where so many realizations happen, I’m a nihilist, that’s where I live in darkness and sorrow, but why?

I know why. I know a bunch of reasons why, I wish I didn’t. I do it because I need to torture myself, because sometimes I don’t deserve to feel good. I know this is true, because it hurts unbelievably to write this, to say this out loud. I love darkness because self-imposed darkness is safe. It guards me from all the other darkness that has been committed on me. My darkness is more powerful then theirs and therefore I don’t think about the way they hurt me, I think about the way I hurt me. I torture myself to have power, to have ownership over myself. I torture myself because I’m afraid of others hurting me.

This explains so many habits, why when I fall down I go deep, very deep into a black hole of darkness. I have these shrines, these trophies around my room to this darkness, to this powerful, this unbelievably powerful entity, darkness and self-hatred. Because no one can hate you more than you hate yourself. Or as Chuck Palahniuk puts it in Invisible Monsters, “When we don’t know who to hate, we hate ourselves.”

Poem: Today You Humbled Yourself

25 months ago you were pushed by Cha to dress up for Halloween as how you wanted, how you saw yourself – as a fairy
21 months ago you mostly acknowledged you were trans
20 months ago you started taking supplements to grow breasts, you were terrified they’d work
20 months ago you wore a gaff for the first time
18 months ago you made plans to quit your job and actually start living
17 months ago you came out to some coworkers as trans
Today you harassed yourself because you don’t see yourself completely as a woman

16 months ago you started tucking everyday and haven’t stopped since
15 months ago you quit your job
15 months ago you realized suicide was not a good idea
15 months ago you came out to your parents as trans
15 months ago you stopped wearing mens clothes
14 months ago you started going by your real name and pronouns, but only because your friends started using them without your permission.
Today you harassed yourself because you couldn’t stop feeling so anxious

14 months ago you started getting your beard hairs removed one by one
13 months ago you finally got your first bangs
13 months ago you broke out of crippling depression
12 months ago you were finally able to look for and start seeing a counselor
Today you harassed yourself because you “wasted today” by not getting done as much as you had hoped

12 months ago you started wearing bras full time.
12 months ago you started meditating
11 months ago you had a conversation with your family about starting hormones, it went alright…
11 months ago you had the courage to make an appointment to find out about starting chemical hormones
10 months ago you started taking hormones
10 months ago you started the legal name change process
9 months ago you struggled to find a job or even get out of bed in the morning
Today you harassed yourself because it took you an hour to get out of bed this morning

9 months ago you wore a dress in public for the first time
8 months ago you started working again
7 months ago you had the courage to knock doors alone
6 months ago you realized you had been molested as a child
6 months ago you successfully changed your name
4 months ago you started changing your IDs to match your new identity
Today you harassed yourself because you couldn’t focus or get anything done

3 months ago you accepted yourself for being a nihilist
3 months ago you told your parents you were molested as a kid
2 months ago you stopped having dissociative episodes where you couldn’t control your body
2 months ago you seriously wanted to cut your wrists because you felt too ungrounded
2 months ago you told your friends you were depressed
1 month ago you finally felt almost completely okay wearing a dress
1 week ago you admitted that you still suffer from depression and that you always will
2 days ago you had a serious struggle with depression

Today you stopped being so hard on yourself
Today you realized how far and how quickly you have come
Today you humbled yourself

Depression, “Now With Even Worse Feelings”

In case you haven’t read this blog for too long, I’ve struggled with depression since 8th grade. The difference is it’s never felt this intense. I’ve wanted to kill myself, and thought about cutting myself but recently I’ve been overcome with feelings that I have never felt with such intensity. I am feeling more these days and it feels like my body is paying me back for not feeling my depression when I had it the worst.

A week ago I experienced a few days when biking to work was one of the most arduous tasks I’ve completed in years. The energy, mental and physical, that I had to put into every pedal stroke felt overwhelming. Going up subtle inclines felt like climbing a mountain. Another day I spent over an hour trying to get myself out of bed. When I did my whole body felt unbelievably heavy to move. I had a difficult time doing basic tasks like showering and shaving.

Last Thursday was the peak, I felt feeling I had rarely felt before. I blew of two friend’s that I had plans to see and was mentally incapable of responding to any of their communications. I got calls and texts but the task of responding even to worried texts was inconceivably difficult. Despite how much I wanted to reassure them and even just text a roommate “yes you can borrow my car” I couldn’t. A friend invited me to eat dinner and I when I realized I had no desire to see her I frowned.

Before depression I felt like a constant self doubt and feeling of worthlessness. This depression was a feeling that everything was a burden. The feeling is hard to explain and ever harder to grasp.

Luckily my friend, Red Beard, caught me in the middle of my isolating and made me explain myself. I deflected at first and then saw he was demanding a real answer. I felt too much, I couldn’t even find the words at first. I had to look at the ground and not think about what I was saying to even acknowledge my depression.

I tried to explain the feeling to him. It was as though everything around me were depression. Even the air I sat in was depression. Almost as though air was replaced by this thicker heavy gas called depression that made all movement harder, made everything heavier and was truly inescapable.

Why? Good question, but I have no answer. I am unable to even think about why in this fog of depression I can’t even see that far. And thus it becomes impossible to tackle, where do you start when you’ve got no air to breath just a fog of depression gas.

After continuing to talk to Red Beard I began to fathom it. He helped me acknowledge the need to cut myself more slack and take on less responsibilities. This is what I was doing the previous night. I refused every responsibility, even basic obligations of responding to worried friends that you blew off.

Since then I have started taking steps to lessen my responsibilities and to do things that nourish myself. Like a backpacking trip I had been putting off for months, like alone time and hanging out by the river and watching trains go by. I also realize the importance of my daily routine that I structured in such a way to prevent depression from stopping me like it had. I realized and finally acknowledged that I do have depression and it is a disease.

Last weekend I finally went backpacking. It was unbelievably refreshing. Yet the the first morning in the woods I was attacked by depression and after eating breakfast I became unable to move and crawled back into my tent. It felt horrible but I fought it off. Depression is a disease and even taking all the medicine you need won’t make it go away. I came home, told friends and plan on continuing to be open about my depression and thoughts generally.

I’ve also been playing around with how to put a visual to the feeling of depression. Here is my first attempt.

This piece is called "345 lbs" and is an attempt to make depression visible to those who have never experienced it. It says "Depression is a disease." 345 times.(click on the picture twice to make it larger)

This piece is called “345 lbs” and is an attempt to make depression visible to those who have never experienced it. It says “Depression is a disease.” 345 times.(click on the picture twice to make it larger)

Art Not Words

For a few weeks I couldn’t write enough blog posts, post after post was being written waiting for the time it would be published. Then I started art and became entranced with it and uninspired to write. That’s why this post will be about some of my art projects.

The first one to follow up my lavender black hole came when I didn’t have my drawing pad, all I had was 3 hole punched paper. I had been feeling a compulsion for days and I was suddenly overtaken. The song that inspired me was The Neighbors by St. Vincent. I was first taken by the lyrics, “How can Monday be alright, Then on Tuesday lose my mind?” But so many of the other lyrics are so great to. Such as “What would your mother think, What would your father do, What would the neighbors think? If they only knew”

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After having this one up for a week one of my roommates kept asking me if it was Tuesday, and if I was going crazy. These comments frustrated me because the point of my art started to be to take it seriously and take my thoughts seriously not as think of myself as crazy. When she was in my room I ripped off every one accept a few and changed it to “Then on Tuesday they knew” and one that says “Because I told them.” This is largely in reference to something I told many of my good friends after first having the thought. I was feeling really spaced out and had a very strong desire to cut my wrists (knowing it would ground me in the moment). I talked to a friend who just moved to germany first, then I proceeded to let many friends know about this feeling. I felt safe telling people and safer having people know. I also was made to feel less crazy and since now my friends knew they could better support me. I am again humbled by my friends and credit my support network for helping me validate how I feel and remind me that my thoughts and experiences are by no means crazy but actually quite normal.

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The first piece of art on my door quite honestly made me feel like a crazy person. It wasn’t as refined looking and it was also conveying a message that I was “loosing my mind.” So I began struggling with what I just talked about above, not feeling crazy. This struggle most clearly comes out in my next piece from the “This is Art” series called “207/213 +7.” Prior to this piece my coworker explained to me a Venn Diagram of the line between crazy and artist, she specifically mentions Thomas Kincaid I balanced him out with Syd Barrett.

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To make myself feel less crazy and more artistic I bought some sketch paper and started the first of my “This is Art” series. This series is paper that has “This is art.” written on them anywhere from 207 to 365 times. My first one was done at my friend Spaced’s house. She was doing work and I had figured this might happen so I brought over paper. Previous to the art I had run out of nutrients and shut down. She fed me and then got to her work. I put on St. Vincent and got to my work. I switched it up listening to her first album, Marry Me, instead of my recent staple, Actor.

The combination of regaining mental control post-very-hungry and this album these thrust me into a somewhat disassociated state that I’ve done much of my art in. I was no longer present in the room but in the art. I argued with myself constantly through this piece drawing a “fine line” that was quite thick and specify where the “art” was in this piece. I also constantly argued with myself whether this was art or not. I have had great conflict with my art not sure if I believed I was crazy or I was making art. The term art didn’t feel like it fit my work but the arguing with myself continually throughout this piece helped lay the ground work to let me consider my work art, period.

After getting half way through the page and struggling the entire time I got frustrated and laid down. I ended up falling asleep and woke up quite disoriented, and promptly went back to sleep (in a bed this time, not the floor).

To finish this piece off I laid it on the ground in my floor not quite frustrated enough to crumble it up. One of our cats laid on it helping me vicariously take out the frustration I still have with this first piece. (Hint if you click on the image and then on the new page right click and click “View Image” the image will become larger)

207/213 +7

207/213 +7

My next bunch of This is Art was simply writing “This is art.” You can see them below.

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288

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311

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My next piece of art came to me on a whim and I think I’m going to remake it with one tweak (glitter). Either-way this was a canvas that I originally was just painting a lavender base over since it is a used canvas. Once I painted the lavender base and it dried I decided to paint a black stripe over it, a repeat of the “fine line” between crazy and artist. I then hung up the piece over my lavender black hole and proceeded to take pictures of it drying. My black paint has a puncture in the container so it’s very runny and I photographed it 7 times as it dried. adding for a cool effect.

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And finally some three dimensional pieces that I have been working on regarding dreams. This are long in the making with the idea first coming into my head November 2009. This is the iconic Dream Crusher. The first picture is one made in 2009 and the following pictures are recent schematics for making a my three-dimensional Dream Crusher which you can see the start of one. This Dream Crushers will both be operated manually and not by motor. The plans show schematics for the small one that is part way done and also a larger one that would have a full plexiglas side. This is for demonstration purposes only. Ideally any fully functional one would have no or limited plexiglas as this is obviously a weak spot in the design.

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I Lost it and My Roommate Made Me Stay There

[NO BACK STORY]

Saturday afternoon:

I’m feeling really worked up and don’t know it. I go on a bike ride and end up suddenly feeling, feeling sane. My thoughts had been racing all day but I hadn’t minded it, now my mind is clear. I sit down on a bench and start reading In the Dust of This Planet. Sleepiness rolls over me and I finish the next page before laying down my head. I close my eyes, shortly afterward the world begins to shake. I let it. I feel my thoughts, my feelings and just let what happens happen. Twenty minutes later I wake up and bike home listening to Sylvan Esso. Nothing seems real.

A copy of a copy of a copy. The world is far away, just like the narrator describes in Fight Club.

I bike home.

Along the way I dash in and out of traffic, I’m mostly safe, but safe like you are when playing frogger – you obviously don’t want to die, but it’s not real. It’s only half real to me, I’m only half there.

To bring myself down I scream Could I Be by Sylvan Esso.

It only furthers the rift. The world isn’t real, but I know it is.

Two blocks from home a women is walking her dog, the dog is peeing. I look at her. She looks at me. She smiles. She’s real, I’m in the real world. I continue biking and she disappears. That moment is gone forever, just like how reality feels right now.

I make it home. I see my roommates and I make it clear to them that I’m crazy. I refuse eye contact, now they aren’t real either.

In my room I finish listening to Sylvan Esso’s album while lying in my bed trying to take a nap. Instead thoughts start badgering me, memories start coming at me, Diane starts trying to molest me. “Get the fuck away from me!” I yell, “Leave me the fuck alone.” The thoughts are trying to get me to do things I know I don’t want to do. They are trying to take things I like and exploit them to make me do harmful things like cut a upside down cross into arm. “Get the fuck away!” I yell.

My thoughts are racing again and my perfectly organized room starts to get to me. I throw off the covers and run over to my dresser. Pulling out two drawers I throw them on the ground kicking around the clothes that fall onto the floor. “Almost enough,” I think. Then I go over to the bookshelf and toss all the fiction and spiritual books on the floor. Success.

I begin listen to The Weakerthan’s song Watermark on repeat. Now I know what I have to do.

I run down stairs and slam onto the floor as I slip on the wooden floor. Laughing hysterically I get up and run to the basement. I find the lavender paint, some painting equipment and sheepishly bring it upstairs, hiding it so my roomies don’t see it. I again refuse eye contact, I’m in another world and cannot be brought back, not right now.

I scamper upstairs once I find everything and begin my project. Two song lyrics are inspiring me.
“We sit and watch the wall you painted purple.” – Weakerthans
“Paint the black whole blacker.” – St. Vincent

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“It’s just lavender, it needs to be darker!” I think. So I run downstairs slipping again on the floor and falling down. I get back up and grab brown a black paint and return to my project. Blending the lavender and brown I get a nice dark color in the center. Building the circle bigger and bigger I switch the song on repeat to The Strangers by St. Vincent. I’ve waited 3 years for this moment. I grab the black paint a tub to stand on and begin painting the title of this piece: “Paint the Black Hole Blacker.”

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The black paint isn’t as black as I’d like, it’s to thin. I keep putting more and more on and realizing the paint is running. “Yes!” I scream as I see the amazing look the running paint gives to this piece. I keep painting more and more, bigger and bigger. I add more brown, I begin splattering brown, black, lavender all over it. Just what I’ve always wanted, It’s done.

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I show it to my roommates and they are not sure what to think. They are fearful, excited, happy and concerned. The new one, Da Hottie, sides with crazied happiness, the feeling I’m expressing. Jamie sticks with concern longer, but eventually gets happier. They both take pictures of it and Jamie begins sharing it. My friend Von begins expressing concern, simply texting “shit” as a response to seeing the picture that Jamie sent them.

After a little while of laying in my room alone basking in the glory of this piece and the feeling of being crazed Jamie comes in. They sit partial on me and ask, “Why is Von worried about you?” I pause and realize I’ve finally been caught, and am relieved. As we start talking Jesse helps me realize I am not losing it, I am not caught, I am free, I have gained something from this whole experience. I have been trying to paint this on my wall for years. I always resisted it. Now I’m becoming more impulsive and more real, more aligned with the true me.

I haven’t lost anything I gained this painting on the wall. I sit with that a while, Jamie leaves and I keep sitting with it. I lay down and try to take a nap, listening to music and relaxing I realize that I need to leave, I need to run. I pack up my stuff and get ready for some sort of outing. I go to leave and Jamie stops me. They ask me where I’m going, why I’m going and when I’m coming back. I can’t answer any question but I still want to leave. I say I’m anxious, and hungry and just need to get out of the house. They ask how they’ll know if I’m safe. I say I just will be, and that they can call me and I can call them.

After a protracted fight about whether I should run or not Jamie reluctantly gets me to stay. I stay with my pain and crazy and tell them what has been going on in my head. I stay with my feelings and am forced to acknowledge what is going on, forced to treat my body with respect, forced to be present. They force me to face my pattern of running and to be with myself.

I eat some food and I find a quote of where I am:

Only now are you going your way to greatness. Peaks and abyss, they are now joined together for all things are baptized in a well of eternity, and lie beyond good and evil.
-Nietzche