A Well Overdue Update

Life has been crazy leading to this long overdue update. I’ve had lots of amazing sex, I’ve forceably removed someone from my life, I’ve started taking medication for my mental health, I’ve met a bunch of good people, and I’ve really grown as a person.

Per-usual let’s start at the beginning: My relationship with Half Elegant. She was an frustrating person as I’m sure you’ve come to understand. She was really attracted to me and really boosted my self image. We also had amazing sex, consistently amazing and the first time I’ve had sex since coming to realize I was molested (a huge step). She also constantly harassed me for being honest about my feelings towards her, was quite controlling and very jealous.

We screamed, we yelled, we fought our fights happened over and over again without ever reaching resolution. She would always change the topic, always turn it on me when I tried to talk to her about anything she did. After we broke up the final time she wouldn’t stop harassing me and making me feel bad. I told her I needed space, mainly because I could tell she clearly wasn’t over me. The problem was she didn’t want to get over me. Instead she wanted me back and sent me harassing texts for days. I tried to explain myself but in the end I just had to tell her we would never even be friends. I had to go to the point of blocking her on both facebook messenger and texting.

One of the things that gave me strength in this time was I started being uplifted by medication I was taking. When I started medication I had a hard time getting out of bed in the mornings and started having a hard time going to work at all. I started leaning hard on Half Elegant trying to escape these horrible things. I would have panic attacks in the middle of the day and my only recourse was to hide and curl up on the ground.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me as having mild depression, PTSD, social anxiety, agoraphobia and panic attacks. I started taking sertraline (zoloft) for depression and gabapentin for anxiety. I have slowly increased these doses and and now taking 50mg of sertraline once daily and 300mg of gabapentin 3 times daily. They have helped a huge amount. I feel like a new person, I feel like myself. It’s an astounding feeling when I can just chat with strangers if I want, and get out of bed effortlessly almost every morning. The feeling is strange and freeing. I feel like one of the best versions of myself.

Having medication has really helped me grow a lot and enabled me to really tackle things in therapy instead of day to day stressors. I’ve become way better at staying grounded and present in the moment and now can ground myself in only minutes. I’ve also become able to sit with my anger instead of being scared with it and feel myself making huge steps at coming to terms with things in my life.

I’ve also moved forward in my personal life by making new friends and just being and feeling friendlier than normal. I’m growing a confidence and self respect I’ve never had, I am learning to stand up for myself and to realize how truly powerful I am. I don’t have to play along I can take charge I can run this show. I’m excited to see where the coming months will take me.

Finally I need to touch upon my new friend Clarity. I met her at work and bonded with her instantly. She opened my door at work and asked me where a coworker was. I explained to her where his office was and then she turned to me and asked if there was anything around she could eat. I held out my peanut butter jar she looked at it with anticipation and looked at me and then I laughed and said, “I was just eating out of it with my finger.” I became her ally at work helping her navigate things and have since become her friend and nanny. Talking to her is a breath of fresh air cause she just gets it she is super easy open up to and be real with. She’s also my role model for strong dyke knower who cuts through the bullshit and sees what is real. I can’t wait to learn more about how she navigates the world, and how to slay.

So all in all life is pretty amazing.

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Thoughts of a Suicidal Person Who is Loved by the World

H: Jennyyyy.
J: Hearrrrt.
H: It’s so good to hear your voice.
J: I know doesn’t just about everyone want to hear my voice at the other end of a phone?
H: [Contemplative pause] I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t love to hear it.

I’m loved by my friends, I’m loved by acquaintances, I’m loved by total strangers. Not everyone but those people are exceptions. I have fed off this love for so long, I still feed off of this love. I have pointed to it for why not to kill myself countless times. I’ve changed so many people’s lives for the better. Yet this knowledge sometimes leaves me feeling hollow? Why does making someone else feel amazing leave me feeling empty.

When people try to kill themselves there are a few common argument against it. By thinking about how much you have bettered peoples lives. How good of a person you are in the world and how much you are loved and needed by others. And I know I am very loved and feel needed and wanted by lots of folks in my life I’ve changed countless people lives for the better. This knowledge and these feelings has never brought me down from the edge.

The thing that kept me most from the edge is something much different from this. My first time feeling suicidal to the degree of jumping off a building was 2008 and it scared me. After some googling I came to understand that suicidal thoughts are the logical step when you run out of coping mechanisms. Your dog dies, you’re sad but you can handle it. One of your friends stops talking to you, you’re sad but you can handle it. You start feeling isolated from the world, it hurts but you you can handle it. But compound these things and your sad, you’re filled with sadness and you hurt, you can’t handle it, it’s too much. What do you do?

If it’s too much to handle by definition you can’t handle it yourself. You have run out of coping mechanisms you have run out of ways to deal with it. This is when I stand atop a tall building. This is when I look over the edge. I can’t handle the stresses of life, I don’t feel like I belong I don’t feel like it’s going to get better, I don’t think I’m ever going to deal with it, It feels like it’s never going to end and I’m going to feel this forever. That’s why I look over the edge. That’s why I peer down and prepare to jump. I prepare to jump to make it go away. I don’t want to jump now, I didn’t want to jump 7 years ago when I got the closest I’ve ever been. I just wanted to know it was going to all work out, I just wanted all the hurt to go away because I couldn’t deal with it. I just wanted to know if I really needed to I could escape from all of my problems.

If you tell me I’m needed, I’d still want to jump. If you tell me I’m loved, I’d still want to jump. If you tell me you love me, I’d still want to jump. If you tell me the world will miss me, I’d still want to jump. If you tell me I’m strong, I’d still want to jump. If you tell me to follow my passion, I’d still want to jump. If you tell me I was an inspiration, I’d still want to jump. If you tell me it’s all going to be okay, I’d still want to jump. I’m not at the top of a building because I want listen, I’m at the top of a building because I can’t handle what’s going on because it’s too much.

I’m not standing at the edge because my day went well, I’m not standing on the edge because my week went well, I’m not standing on the edge because my life is going well. I’m standing on the edge because I’ve been slowly descending here. Because I’m slowly losing hope, slowly unable to handle my daily stresses. I will look at your messages and they will make me feel better, it’s nice to be needed, loved, and an inspiration, but it doesn’t fix my problems. I feel bad saying this because I know you’re only trying to help, I’m just trying to let you know it’s not going to help, not now, maybe earlier. But don’t worry it’s not your responsibility it’s mine. I feel alone and detached from the world. I’m having a hard time and I’m sure you are having a hard time in your life as well. I wish I could cope with it I wish I had asked for help earlier. It’s too late. I can’t. I need to stand atop a building and look down to make my problems small, smaller than the 8 stories I’m looking down. Small enough so I can step back off this ledge.

This is a story by Jenny where she is speaking more about her feelings historically than about her suicidal feelings currently. When she stood on that ledge and readied herself to jump her problems did get smaller, they did get small enough that she could step back off that ledge. She has since learned how to ask for help a little more and started to learn how to accept help. She is happily seeing a therapist and psychiatrist who are both monitoring her mental health closely.

Also check out this previous post where she talks more about her artwork that addresses this topic.

MarShawn and the Activist that Burnout

On the night of Monday, February 8th Black Lives Matter activist MarShawn McCarrel blew his brains out on the Ohio State House steps. He organized actions around Michael Brown’s killing in 2014 in Ohio, founded a youth mentorship program Pursuing Our Dreams for Ohio’s homeless and was honored for his commitment to activism by the NAACP and Radio One’s “Hometown Champions Award”. But I’m not writing an obituary for this great activist I’m writing to lamenting the trend for activist to burnout and suffer from mental health problems they are not addressing. I’m writing this to lament activist who waste so much time not loving themselves.

"We waste so much time not loving eachother." a quote form MarShawn written hundreds of time in black. In red, where the bullet sits in the gun the quote is altered, "We wast so much time not loving OURSELVES"

“We waste so much time not loving eachother.” a quote form MarShawn written hundreds of time in black.
In red, where the bullet sits in the gun the quote is altered, “We wast so much time not loving OURSELVES”

The suicide of MarShawn touches close to home, too close. Activism was my life for 4 years in college. I worked tirelessly as a student activist and readied myself for the world of “professional” activism when I graduated. I haven’t really gotten there, instead I burned out. I considered killing myself, suffered depression, and took over 3 years almost completely off from activism. It wasn’t until spring of 2015 that I reentered the world of activism and have been hesitant about my commitment to it in fear of burning out again. I want to do more than data entry for a union, but I’m not sure if I’m ready. I look around and am worried for myself as I see non-profits burn through and burn out activist by overworking them and underpaying them. That’s because activist don’t work a job for the pay or the hours, they work it because of there passion to better the world and non-profits exploit that.

Non-profits intentions aren’t necessarily malicious but the results are the same, burnout. Some organizations are especially bad like Clean Water Action and Grass Roots Campaigns, which both find well intentioned young people who want to change the world and with little training have them knocking doors fundraising, a truly exhausting job with long hours and with quotas for them to meet. This minimal direction and high expectations leads many youth to believe they aren’t cut out for activism. Some organizations act like the fact that people are driven to their work because of passion they should be exempt from paying their worker a minimum wage. Non-profit advocacy group, U.S. PIRG recently came out against a law that will have salaried employees paid overtime for the work they do over 40 hour a week, READ: workers will get paid for all the hours they work even if they are salaried. When arguing against it they even to the extent of arguing they should be exempt because they are “mission-driven” work.

The problem is activists by their very nature are often selfless people driven by the work and are willing to overextend themselves for the work (passion). They are committed to their cause (work) and tend to forget about themselves. Organizations only encourage such habits and encourage working long hours, meaning no one is concerned about activists’ mental health.

It truly hurts me to see activist being so selfless and having so much of themselves taken by their work. We are such devoted people but we aren’t devoted to what matters: sustainability.

I have had conversations and arguments with friends about sustainability in the paid-activist world, it has led us to be hesitant to getting involved. You can’t have a life and work for most organizations committed to change. It seems like you have two choices: make real change and being apart of something that matters or try to live a life that’s sustainable and healthy.

Of my friends that work in activism most have or do struggle with depression, and for some this wasn’t something they had before being a paid-activist. One coworker confided in me that she used to cut herself, another talked about her time at a Intensive Out-Patient facility, and another eluded that her isolation and overwork has caused her and countless fellow coworkers to become depressed. I know for a fact that a majority of my coworkers have suffered from depression (the rest I haven’t heard either-way from them)

These are the people who are working to change the world for the better! How? How can you expect people to change the world they are in when they can’t even be happy and healthy themselves? As an activist and an anarchist I believe that you have to live the revolution everyday. What sort of revolution is it when you don’t have time to enjoy yourself? to love yourself? to take care of your own mental health? That’s no revolution I want to be a part of, to paraphrase Emma Goldman, “If I can’t dance, it’s not my revolution”

6/16: A Day Filled With Despair and a Bicycle Crash as experienced by Jenny

I wake up early at R’s she’s still sleeping. I think about how I’ve hardly gone to work this week. It’s Thursday I should to go today, for the money, and to finish the two projects I’ve been working on. As I lay in bed thinking about this I slowly begin to fully awaken. Eventually I’m awake and energized enough to leave.

I’m at my house before 7am, I shower and shave, dry off and meditate. I’m already half way through my morning routine. I’m relieved because it’s been hard to complete this routine in it’s entirety and I think I’m going to complete it and get to work before 9. I’m on fire! Except when I’m done meditating I don’t have the energy to get up for my meditation cushion… I don’t have the energy to leave my room.

I sigh, frustrated and disappointed I know what’s going to happen now and not much can stop it. I lay in bed half dressed and sleep for 2 more hours. I can’t sleep anymore I can’t really do anything so I just lay in bed. I text R, she doesn’t respond, looks like just me and the bed today! At 11:30 my mom calls to finalize her plans for her visit this weekend. This distracts me enough to get me out of bed. I make breakfast while talking to her on the phone. Egg sandwich and a fruit smoothie. My morning routine is complete as I finish eating my breakfast in bed.

I text R again, she hasn’t responded I hope it’s because she’s actually doing something. I get a response this time, she is also home, she’s also not doing anything. she wishes she could apply for jobs but her computer doesn’t work. Mine wasn’t working last night either but I fixed it this morning. I’m glad that I did because as I text her, “Now it’s easier to kill time.” “I want to kill time dead right now.”

R suggests distracting myself by reading or yoga. I realize I don’t know where my library book is so I decide to listen to a podcast. She’s right it distracts me enough that I find my way out of bed, not yet out of my room but I’m half way there.Then R asks me if I want to donate plasma today. It used to be a ritual of ours every Tuesday and Thursday. but I’ve been deferred recently and didn’t have time last week to donate because of work. I don’t want to donate but I do want to leave the house and accomplish something today.

spots at 4

A half an hour later we meet in the park just as the rain begins. We wait for it to slow in a gazebo. Our appointment is at 4, we have to get there by 4:30 or we aren’t going to be able to donate until at least 5pm. It starts to rain again, R doesn’t have a fender and her ass is getting covered in mud.

When we get off the bike path we keep getting split up taking slightly different routes and them finding each other again before splitting up once more. We’re almost there and it begins to rain harder. The rain is coming down and the wind is blowing. I turn around to see R take a side street, she’s going the back way. I’m jealous and wish I was taking back alleys. I’m on the sidewalk on Western ave. It’s a nice wide sidewalk with no pedestrians and better than my other option to the right, a long line of traffic going the same direction as me. Well at least that’s what they’re trying to do. They are facing that direction but I wouldn’t say they are really moving.

I look ahead and see a silver car’s front bumper emerging from behind a building onto the sidewalk, right in front of my path. I press down on my brakes, but I’m only feet away at the car at this point and combination of the rain and my poorly adjusted brakes only slow me down and I keep getting closer to the car. I stare at the front bumper and decide where to aim. I’m going to aim for the front bumper just to the left of the lights. I’m going to hit it with a slight right angle so I’ll bounce slightly to the right enough that i won’t go in the road but I also won’t slam into the car at a 90 degree angle.

I’m on the ground
I’m standing up with my bike between my legs.
I see the driver get out and run around the back of her car. I hear people asking if I’m okay and don’t know where there voices are coming from. I look to my right and some people in the long line of cars have their windows rolled down.

The driver of the car I hit runs around the side of her car. She’s in her 40s, glasses, black hair in a pony tail, baggy white t-shirt on. She looks like she didn’t really get dressed today. She’s manic right now.

She asks me if I’m okay and if I’m hurt what feels like a dozen times. I stare at her blankly and say, “I’m fine.” one time.
“Are you sure?”
I feel my body moving my arms and legs and briefly looking down at my legs. I have a two cuts on my right knee and a scrape on my left ankle. My arms feel fine, my legs don’t hurt at all. “I feel fine.” I just want to leave, I’m a block away from the plasma place and I just want to go meet R there. I don’t want her waiting in the rain wondering if I got hit by a car.
Someone walks across the street from the bus stop and asks me if I’m alright, I can’t see their face but still respond, “I’m alright.”
The woman asks again, “Can I give you a ride somewhere? I’d really like to give you a ride somewhere, where do you need to go?”
“I’m just going right there,” and point two blocks away to the plasma place, “I’m fine.”
“Are you sure, I’d really like to give you a ride.”
“I’m fine”.
“Is your bike alright?”
I glance down at my bike and try to remember what to check, I can’t remember but I tell myself I checked the handlebars to see if they were twisted I tell myself they weren’t, and then I pick up the front of the bike and kick the front wheel to see if it spins alright. It’s got a slight wobble, the kind of wobble you get if you hit a curb hard or get in minor car crash, fine but needs tuned soon. “Yeah it’s fine.” I reply dismissively.

I just want to leave. I don’t want to be here anymore I’m surrounded by people who are all staring at me I just want to go see R. I don’t like it here. “Are you sure you don’t want a ride? I’d like to give you a ride.”
“I’m fine, I’m almost to where I am going.” I begin to back up to leave. She walks back around the back of her car and before she opens the door I say. “Thanks for stopping to check if I’m okay.” I had to be polite and tell her that, too many drivers hit cyclists and drive away. I appreciate that she didn’t make me a hit and run.

I get to the plasma place and R isn’t there yet. It starts pouring down rain and this wind starts blowing so I wait around the corner of the building occasionally checking the bike rack for R. I’m soaked, and a drop of blood is trickling down my right leg. Finally R arrives and we lock up our bikes.

CameraZOOM-20160524163213291

Winter Solstice Card 2015

57 solstice

Dear Friends/Family,

This past year has been an amazing and challenging year. I started hormones on January 9th and legally changed my name on May 6th. I’ve been meditating for over a year and 6 months of it has been at a Shambhala Buddhist meditation center where I have learned a great deal. I started working again as an organizer, field director and currently doing data entry and just about everything else at SEIU.

During this past year I’ve also struggled with depression and anxiety. A week after my name change occurred I realized I was molested as a child. But from these experiences I opened up and finally asked for help. I have had tons of support from all I have told and found a strong bond with friends new and old. I have accepted and learned so much about myself and am appreciative of everyday I have. My life is so much more wonderful than a year ago, than a month ago. I’ve grown a huge amount in that time and looking back is a truly humbling experience. Thank you for being in my life and if I don’t regularly I hope to see you in the next year.

Love,
Jenny

This is the solstice card I sent out to family and friends and that I extend to y’all. This year has been an amazing year. One that has been terrific, horrible, freeing, paralyzing but despite all of the things that have happened this is the happiest I’ve ever been. Looking back on every other time of good feelings I can see that they are filled with feelings of despair, depression, and suicidal thoughts. These haven’t gone away but I’ve accepted them and started to address them. Knowing it has gotten so much better is relieving, because day to day I often only recognize problems that arrive.

Currently I’ve been struggling with how to relate to friends and what I want from them. But I am struggling with this because I am not just being what other people want from me I am figuring out what I want from other people and figuring out how I want to interact with them. Essentially I’m struggling a lot because a lot of what that I’ve “figured out” is wrong. I figured out how to serve and please other people now I’m figuring out what pleases me. I’m taking missteps every step I take but I’m learning so much from them.

I’m trying to be me. I’m focusing on me and it’s not always in a good way. I’m more selfish, impulsive, self-centered but like how a pendulum swings back and forth before reaching it’s center point. At least I imagine that is what I’m doing. It’s hard to explain it’s hard to understand I’m not sure exactly what I’m doing but this is how I conceptualize my current missteps. I am over being hard on myself, I’m over hyper-analyzing myself. Instead I’m letting myself do whatever I want and I dealing with the response in the moment, I’m relearning why I act the way I do. Is it for others? is it for me? Am I doing this to please people? or to please myself?

I don’t feel completely like myself but I feel like I’m becoming free. I feel my sense of obligation diminishing and my sense of commitment to being who I see myself as fading. I’m Jenny and that person knows who she is. I needn’t incessantly analyze myself I just need to do what feels right, and that what I’m doing. And all the while I’m trying to work on communications so I express why I’m doing what I am and how I feel. I’m just trying really hard to be me and it is a confusing disorienting journey. I will slight you on the way but don’t hold it against me, I’m pretty sure you won’t.

Who am I? I’m Jenny. What does that mean? Fuck if I know.

High All The Time

“Anybody want some?” asks Clean Grin.
Chemistry shakes her head as does Spaced.
Spaced says, “I feel weird about it because I could be drug tested any day at work. If a workers comp related thing or accident happens they drug test me. If one of the kids bites me or I got in a car accident and had to go to the hospital and I wouldn’t have the time to buy someone else’s pee on the way.”
A few people laugh.
“You know you can’t just say, ‘Wait! before we go to the hospital I need to go to the head shop to buy some pee,'” says Spaced
More laughter occurs and Clean Grin turns towards me, offering me some. I shake my head.
Then I think, “What do I have to loose? I feel impulsive, nobody else is doing it, sure yeah, you’re right.”
“Actually I’ll have some.” I say to Clean Grin.
Clean Grin turns back towards me and hands me the one hitter and I take what I thought was a short hit that is much stronger and longer than I expected. I cough immediately but this is nothing new.
“Someone get her some water,” says Clean Grin as I continue to cough uncontrollably.
“There’s some water right over here,” points Spaced.
I grab the water and drink some and my coughing begins to slow.
Then I start to realize I’m going to get solidly high, nothing like a good cough to tell you that it got in your system. Then I begin thinking, “I need to make sure to stay grounded, why did I do this… being high is not a grounded feeling but quite the opposite. Well to late now, time to try to focus on remaining grounded.”
I begin to focus on the ground and send waves of tingly sensations from the top of my body to the ground. This is helping a lot, especially considering how overstimulated I’d be otherwise. I mean I’m high, I’m obviously going to be overstimulated.

Why am I so focused on being so grounded you may wonder? Well that’s because of an intense conversation I had with Spaced and Chemistry. I told them about my struggle with depression, why I’m so protective and controlling over spaces I’m in, and how traumatizing being trans is on a day to day basis. The conversation went good, but I was still going camping with people I didn’t trust. I have spent the last year plus hanging out with only trans or trans-friendly people. These were the first cis friends I’ve had and then are bringing their cis friends that I don’t really feel comfortable around. It worried me but having Spaced and Chem know where I’m coming from calmed me down. I just had to do my best to prevent myself from becoming anxious and overwhelmed, thus why I was trying to remain grounded. In my mind if I remain in my body I can’t get wrapped up in my anxiety like the past four weekends have gone.

I can’t say I stayed grounded but I stayed comfortable and felt safe so anxiety never took hold. I made a few awkward high moves but overall this ends up being my best high experience, and I’m left with a truly good experience of being high instead of an uncomfortable one. But this feeling doesn’t leave in the morning. In the morning I’m still high and I wander around camp very high. That evening I’m also still high. The next day at work I’m still high, and the following evening I am still high. 48 hours have passed and I’m still high. It’s startling being this spaced out, but familiar.

I’m very ungrounded normally. And it wasn’t until I started doing grounding meditation every morning for the past few weeks I realized how bad it was. For 30 minutes I feel fairly grounded, and even briefly afterwards I’m not completely lost in thought. Though, not much later I become suddenly aware that I’ve been spaced out for quite a while. This meditation grounds me but more importantly it shows me know how ungrounded I am, and being high has helped me realize that I’m essentially constantly high.

Via http://shadotheonlyfriend.tumblr.com/post/92806770692

I believe that feeling high is a coping mechanism of mine, feeling high is as Tove Lo says, “to keep you off my mind.”

Towards the end of this experience I began to accept that this is my new reality – I will always be high, I will always feel spaced out. And as I said this isn’t far from the truth. I do always feel this way. I can finally tangibly say that feeling high is my reality. I get fixed onto certain objects and thoughts and I can zone out everything else that is going on which leaves me feeling dizzy when I encounter everything around me. When I’m high this feeling is more extreme, but this is nonetheless how I feel all the time. I’m not sure how I feel about this, but I think this is a huge step the right direction. I feel dizzy and spaced out all the time, but I actually feel it now.

This has been my reality for most of my life and now I’m finally recognizing it. Jamie felt a similar feeling for years and would get high to escape it. Now they no longer feel dizzy. I’m hoping I can be more present in my body and the present and not chronically lost in thoughts. For now I’m going to accept how I feel and focus on trying to get grounded, what happens will happen but I hope it gets better. I hope I can stop getting lost in thoughts all the time and enjoy the present.

Poem: Today You Humbled Yourself

25 months ago you were pushed by Cha to dress up for Halloween as how you wanted, how you saw yourself – as a fairy
21 months ago you mostly acknowledged you were trans
20 months ago you started taking supplements to grow breasts, you were terrified they’d work
20 months ago you wore a gaff for the first time
18 months ago you made plans to quit your job and actually start living
17 months ago you came out to some coworkers as trans
Today you harassed yourself because you don’t see yourself completely as a woman

16 months ago you started tucking everyday and haven’t stopped since
15 months ago you quit your job
15 months ago you realized suicide was not a good idea
15 months ago you came out to your parents as trans
15 months ago you stopped wearing mens clothes
14 months ago you started going by your real name and pronouns, but only because your friends started using them without your permission.
Today you harassed yourself because you couldn’t stop feeling so anxious

14 months ago you started getting your beard hairs removed one by one
13 months ago you finally got your first bangs
13 months ago you broke out of crippling depression
12 months ago you were finally able to look for and start seeing a counselor
Today you harassed yourself because you “wasted today” by not getting done as much as you had hoped

12 months ago you started wearing bras full time.
12 months ago you started meditating
11 months ago you had a conversation with your family about starting hormones, it went alright…
11 months ago you had the courage to make an appointment to find out about starting chemical hormones
10 months ago you started taking hormones
10 months ago you started the legal name change process
9 months ago you struggled to find a job or even get out of bed in the morning
Today you harassed yourself because it took you an hour to get out of bed this morning

9 months ago you wore a dress in public for the first time
8 months ago you started working again
7 months ago you had the courage to knock doors alone
6 months ago you realized you had been molested as a child
6 months ago you successfully changed your name
4 months ago you started changing your IDs to match your new identity
Today you harassed yourself because you couldn’t focus or get anything done

3 months ago you accepted yourself for being a nihilist
3 months ago you told your parents you were molested as a kid
2 months ago you stopped having dissociative episodes where you couldn’t control your body
2 months ago you seriously wanted to cut your wrists because you felt too ungrounded
2 months ago you told your friends you were depressed
1 month ago you finally felt almost completely okay wearing a dress
1 week ago you admitted that you still suffer from depression and that you always will
2 days ago you had a serious struggle with depression

Today you stopped being so hard on yourself
Today you realized how far and how quickly you have come
Today you humbled yourself