A Well Overdue Update

Life has been crazy leading to this long overdue update. I’ve had lots of amazing sex, I’ve forceably removed someone from my life, I’ve started taking medication for my mental health, I’ve met a bunch of good people, and I’ve really grown as a person.

Per-usual let’s start at the beginning: My relationship with Half Elegant. She was an frustrating person as I’m sure you’ve come to understand. She was really attracted to me and really boosted my self image. We also had amazing sex, consistently amazing and the first time I’ve had sex since coming to realize I was molested (a huge step). She also constantly harassed me for being honest about my feelings towards her, was quite controlling and very jealous.

We screamed, we yelled, we fought our fights happened over and over again without ever reaching resolution. She would always change the topic, always turn it on me when I tried to talk to her about anything she did. After we broke up the final time she wouldn’t stop harassing me and making me feel bad. I told her I needed space, mainly because I could tell she clearly wasn’t over me. The problem was she didn’t want to get over me. Instead she wanted me back and sent me harassing texts for days. I tried to explain myself but in the end I just had to tell her we would never even be friends. I had to go to the point of blocking her on both facebook messenger and texting.

One of the things that gave me strength in this time was I started being uplifted by medication I was taking. When I started medication I had a hard time getting out of bed in the mornings and started having a hard time going to work at all. I started leaning hard on Half Elegant trying to escape these horrible things. I would have panic attacks in the middle of the day and my only recourse was to hide and curl up on the ground.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me as having mild depression, PTSD, social anxiety, agoraphobia and panic attacks. I started taking sertraline (zoloft) for depression and gabapentin for anxiety. I have slowly increased these doses and and now taking 50mg of sertraline once daily and 300mg of gabapentin 3 times daily. They have helped a huge amount. I feel like a new person, I feel like myself. It’s an astounding feeling when I can just chat with strangers if I want, and get out of bed effortlessly almost every morning. The feeling is strange and freeing. I feel like one of the best versions of myself.

Having medication has really helped me grow a lot and enabled me to really tackle things in therapy instead of day to day stressors. I’ve become way better at staying grounded and present in the moment and now can ground myself in only minutes. I’ve also become able to sit with my anger instead of being scared with it and feel myself making huge steps at coming to terms with things in my life.

I’ve also moved forward in my personal life by making new friends and just being and feeling friendlier than normal. I’m growing a confidence and self respect I’ve never had, I am learning to stand up for myself and to realize how truly powerful I am. I don’t have to play along I can take charge I can run this show. I’m excited to see where the coming months will take me.

Finally I need to touch upon my new friend Clarity. I met her at work and bonded with her instantly. She opened my door at work and asked me where a coworker was. I explained to her where his office was and then she turned to me and asked if there was anything around she could eat. I held out my peanut butter jar she looked at it with anticipation and looked at me and then I laughed and said, “I was just eating out of it with my finger.” I became her ally at work helping her navigate things and have since become her friend and nanny. Talking to her is a breath of fresh air cause she just gets it she is super easy open up to and be real with. She’s also my role model for strong dyke knower who cuts through the bullshit and sees what is real. I can’t wait to learn more about how she navigates the world, and how to slay.

So all in all life is pretty amazing.

The Last Couple of Months

The last couple of months have been something else. I gained friends, lost friends and had many realizations and amazing experiences. I got over some horrible things and I experienced some horrible things.

The first things that happened was a fight between Spaced and I. She took time from me and I began to realize that she is a manipulative narcissist. Since then I have not really talked to her for about two months and because of her closeness to Chem I’ve also hardly seen her. I don’t trust them, I shouldn’t have trusted them so much. I didn’t know what to do about this situation at first, so I just avoided them. I let time lessen the intensity of this conflict. I let awkward encounters happen without explanation, I left text messages unanswered. Today I finally sent an email to Spaced explaining my feelings. I don’t expect to be friends with her anymore, I don’t expect to care the burden of how she treated me anymore.

Instead I’ve found good people to replace them. I have become close with a coworker, Heart who is so dear to me. I wish she had more free time because I love spending free time with her. She has experienced and experiences things similarly to me so we relate on so much. Talking to her is like talking to a good friend that I’ve had for so many years, a friend that just understands. Also her name is heart on this blog because of her openness, a openness and compassion that has freed me to cry and admit how hard it is when she walks in a room. She’s just a good friend. In addition to her I’ve got a couple other folks that I’ve been spending time with that are new and I’ve been spending time with friends I’ve had for a while, like Preciosas (Von).

During this time I was also struggling severely with being molested. I made a drawing that expressed my feelings.

This says "I still don't feel safe." well over a thousand times.

This says “I still don’t feel safe.” well over a thousand times.

It says “I still don’t feel safe” well over a thousand times. And the song that goes to it is Orgy Drills by Tobacco

I ended up posting this drawing on facebook. That was an emotionally draining day, I was super triggered all day. I got lots of messages of support both private and public and it felt amazing about coming out about this. After the hard day I had an even harder evening as I went to meditation and felt like I was going to be attacked from behind. I was so on edge that I couldn’t even attempt to meditate until I changed seats to have Preciosas and another friend both behind me to protect me. That night I decided to stay over at Hearts house because I just didn’t feel safe alone.

Then a huge victory happened. I suddenly was mostly over being molested. It was amazing and empowering, I felt relieved and victorious, I finally felt like a survivor. A few days later I had a anxiety attack. My next demon had emerged and it felt like self loathing. The day following my anxiety attack I cut myself. First with a key which was dull as fuck, then with a piece of glass I found on the side of the road which was also dull and finally I ripped apart a soda can and actually cut myself. I wasn’t in panicked state, I was calm and angry. Angry at myself for who I was and I later realized for not expressing my feelings.

I heard a transman, Bex, on a podcast describing my experience perfectly. He had just made a bunch of big changes in his life, getting top surgery and no longer drinking Despite those changes he felt miserable and wanted to kill himself and even tried to. He said, “Turns out, that when you transition, beforehand you hate yourself and you’re in somebody else’s body and then afterwards, you hate yourself, but you hate yourself in your own body.”

I feel that a lot and I am only starting to unravel some of the problems that have haunted me. I will soon be free to be me. The problem is the road is a hard road to travel as I think I’ve made it clear. I’ve cut myself numerous times recently, I cut myself to end the feelings I felt, I cut myself because I couldn’t feel or find out how to express my feelings. I reflected upon cutting a lot and I had some helpful words from my Mom. I told her I cut and she responded saying, I know from my work that people do that because you are are overwhelmed are having trouble expressing yourself and I understand you’re going through a hard time. Validating and explanatory. After talking to my therapist more I realized what I was doing, and it feels obvious but it wasn’t at the time. I was cutting myself and showing it off in such an open way because I was trying to scream, “I hurt!” I wanted people to know I wanted people to know how hard it was, but I didn’t understand that I wasn’t explaining myself I wasn’t dealing with the real problem, expressing my feelings. I’ve started doing that more, it feels relieving. And understanding why I cut and why I want to cut makes me now how to stop it and not want to do it.

It’s been a roller coaster of a few months and I will always live in despite of these feelings, in despite of not being able to get out of bed I will have fun. The past months have been filled with canoeing and enjoying time with friends, bike rides and adventures. I’ve worked a lot, gone to a bunch of exciting actions for work and taking breaks and worked little. I’ve also found a new friend that was something more at first. I’m not sure where we are going anymore. But it was nice to be touched and loved for the brief time we did. She’s an adventure queen and is always down for any of my half baked ideas. Friend or lover, I enjoy her. Not ready to give her a nickname yet though, soon.

There ya go casbalog readers. The long overdue update. the negative, the positive and I can see the clouds moving away in the breeze, more are coming but there are less than before. I feel better than I have, worse than I have and things are going a good as I could ever have hoped. I’m enjoying my life.

Short Post

I am going to do a short update right now because I’m clearly having a hard time writing a longer post. I have one in the works but I’m not sure what the conclusion of the story is so it feels weird finishing it. So far I have two different conclusions to the story that are drastically different and I expect another ending to emerge for said story. So instead here is my short update that is vague but will hopefully give you the essence of where I’ve been over the last 5 weeks.

My life recently has been all out of sorts. I’ve had tons of drama with numerous friends and I’m still trying to sort out what is and has happened. I am not talking to Spaced right now, my relationship with Chem feels somewhat tenuous and I had a big fight with Jamie (but we are cool now). Everything I thought I knew about my main group of friends was thrown in the air. And I’ve realized I haven’t been the person I want to be or the person I know I am recently. I was sucked into an alternate reality and during that time lots of things happened that I’m not proud of.

But now I am on my way out of this world. I’m still scared I’ll go back to these bad habits but they feel farther away everyday. I’m surrounding myself with people I trust and people who truly and always have my best interest. I’m trying to get solidity in my reality but it’s hard. That, you see, is the crux of the problem. I’ve struggled with what my reality is for a while. I used to love getting caught up in other people’s reality. I mean, it’s not hard for me, I don’t believe in my reality. In my reality my history makes no sense. I lived 25 years as a boy but I wasn’t one the whole time. On top of that I was molested as a kid and discovering this information has really fucked with my sense of reality. My history all seems invalid and I can’t tell what things affected what has happened in my life and why I am the way I am.

This all feels very doom and gloom but as with all of my posts, and the way I am in general, things are good, things are getting better. I am getting through bad patterns in my life and have begun to rely upon good people in my life. People I can actually trust, not just people that I do trust. I feel much safer and want to give a shout out to Majesty, Vonne and Heart. These three have helped me deeply in my time of insecurity and I feel a amazing trust for them. Vonne has consistently helped me realize my thoughts aren’t that unreasonable and has just always been there and been present in a truly amazing way. Heart has helped me feel, especially in the hard times and is someone I trust. And Majesty, who is my champion. Majesty is the person who I imagine when I’m scared, he guards me from my molester, he guards me from bad friends and he is an amazing voice of reason. He has my back 100% and I love him so deeply.

And beyond being around people life is tangibly better. I enjoyed my birthday for the first time in so many years. I cannot remember enjoying a birthday, my earliest birthday memory is realizing how much it sucks to have your birthday on valentines day and that was when I was a freshman in high school. But this birthday I was self confident, surrounded myself with friends and was the center of the party. I got pied in the face, made people eat pie off my knees and got friends to lift up me and the chair I was in. I had a blast and I went to visit my family and ended up having the best birthday ever. And I got to spend it with two of my favorite people, Majesty and Spaced.

I’ve also decided to broaden my social horizons and try to find new people and just hang out with friends I keep missing. One more super exciting thing, I finally feel confident enough to go dating. So far I’ve been on one date and have another one tonight. I’ve never gone on dates before, I’ve always just dated friends. This is an uncomfortable scary experience, but I am doing it. And I feel good that I’m in a place where I feel comfortable putting myself out like this.

Things are scary, unsettling, hard, stressful, anxiety provoking, rewarding, relieving, exciting, humbling, and my life is moving forward not necessarily as I hoped, but probably faster than I’d imagine.

It’s All About Control

I’m sitting at my desk at work shaking because I feel out of control. My legs are tapping so fast that I my upper bodys shaking. I just listened to a This American Life podcast about pedophiles. This wasn’t my intention, the podcast is called Tarred and Feathered and the first half was not about pedophiles. When the pedophile part came on and I thought I could make it through and didn’t pause it. I wanted to face it I wanted to be okay with hearing about it. And I am in comparison to months ago when much less triggered me to hide in the basement (pictured below). I got through almost the whole podcast before taking a break to cry in the bathroom, I’m still here, I’m still working (sorta), I’m relatively all right.

boots

It’s hard to look at something so triggering to me, something that is actively haunting me today. I hurt there, I still haven’t accepted how being molested has affected me. I’m realizing how much it makes me struggle with control and feeling powerless, I’m realizing how being molested stole from me my ability to feel like I control myself.

That’s why two weeks ago I cut myself. It’s the first time I really did it after a decade of thinking about it. Over the past couple of months I had run dull objects over my inner to help me concentrate, specifically when making art, I tried a experimental cut with a sharp blade and didn’t like it. So when I needed to feel in control I knew what I was going to try, cutting myself. After calming my paranoid controlling self down I needed to find a security blanket to protect me, I needed to cut myself before seeing my friends.

I grabbed my nail cutters and ran the nail cleaner over my inner forearm numerous times until it started to bleed a little bit. Why? Because I had marked myself like a cattle with a piece of ownership, I cut myself because I was my own property not anyone else’s.

Immediately I feel overwhelmed with shame and guilt about doing this. I don’t want anyone to see this, I don’t want people know what has driven me to this point. I don’t want people to be concerned about me. That is of course what cutting yourself accomplishes most, garnering attention. I showed Spaced, and Jamie found out, we talked about it and now I don’t feel as uncomfortable about it. Instead I feel defiant pride, the kind of pride that says, “Yes I cut myself, do you have a problem?” The kind of pride where I explain the cut as a reflection of the my inner chaos finally being reflected upon my flesh.

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But that’s not why I did it. That’s not why I don’t know if I will stop cutting. I don’t want people to worry about my cutting, I can’t go too deep (because the object is too dull) and cutting is just a symptom. I want people to be worried about the problem, I want people to know why I cut. When saying this to my therapist she pressed me on what problem I wanted them to know. I hesitated and realized that I cut for control. Not just control over my body and situations but that is my problem, control. I need people to know how much being molested fucked with me and disabled me from having control over my life.

I don’t have control in my life, I often just go with the flow and have difficulty expressing my opinions. The worst comes in sexual relationships. I can’t say no. I can’t even figure out if I want to say no. It’s a scary feeling. In these relationships I often just trust the other person on how far or how fast they want to go and mirror their actions. Especially with new people I’m unable to discern what level of intimacy I want. Of course afterwards I know if I went to fast and I end up feeling awful and have numerous times.

It’s scary to watch it being played out with a friend, Spaced. We make sexual jokes back and fourth but at a certain point I can’t discern if she is joking or not. And I’m scared that something will happen and I feel like I won’t be able to stop it. It’s like suddenly the ground is gone from below me and I’m are floating down river with nothing to hold onto, only my trust in the other person. I trust her and don’t think anything is going to happen but still felt the need to make sure she asked for consent before doing anything, explaining that I can’t just say no or stop. And since telling her this she has said she’s going to stop the jokes until “I feel like I have more control.”

[Edit]

While this isn’t technically and edit since It is coming out in the original post I find it important to separate this from the post because this conversation came after the post was nearly finished.

I talked to Chem (who until yesterday had been distant while she dealt with some of her own boy issues) and told her about my cuts and she really pressed me to come up with a game plan when I feel the desire again. I struggled to come up with effective strategies and then finally said what I’d been wanting to ask from people for a while, to expect a call when I feel this way. The only problem was I didn’t feel right putting that burden on another person and felt I should deal with it myself.

Chem gave me a good insight into another couple thing I have going on. She talked about community as a fabric and as with any fabric when someone isolates they affect those around them, which turned my action that I thought of as not burdening people to something that very much affects people. She also helped me better grasp something that Charlie’s teacher in the Perks of Being a Wallflower says, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” I understood the part that says we accept the love we think we deserve, but I also have come to realize we only accept the love we think we deserve. I accept bad love from people and I don’t accept good love from people. I’m a great supportive friend and will do anything for a close friend and need to remember to expect and accept more from people.

Run, Run, Run Away

You do this all the time Jen, you get caught up in people, you get caught up in their problems to avoid yours, you become so reliant on them that you feel like you need to share all of your emotions with them. You don’t even want to have emotions when they aren’t around. But then I must ask you what is the point of life? what is there to do when I’m all alone? There is nothing going on and nothing to do when they aren’t around. I just feel my emotions overwhelming me I need to exercise that’ll numb me, that’ll stop my racing thoughts.

I just want to run, to run away from everyone I can’t do this I can’t deal with getting sucked up in these people. I can easily put my phone on airplane mode so I can still listen to music and just bike, just hide in the wooded areas of Pittsburgh. It’s cold out but I’ll be able to hide for a little while and then I can go to the library to get warm. I just need to get away from all of these people. Wait! This is just more running. I get caught up in people to run away now I’m getting caught up in running away to run away. What am I running from? Why have I refused to meditate for the last two weeks? What am I scared of?

It must be from being present, I tried to meditate recently meditate and was quickly overcome with tears. It makes sense being present in the moment takes a lot of energy and courage, right? No, that’s not what it is. I know what it is but I don’t want to say. I know what it is but it hurts to know, it hurts to admit it. I’m running from myself. I’m running from her. Her blank face staring back at me, oh how quickly I can see all of her faults. I hate her, the way she stares, the way she looks. I can’t face her. NO!! I won’t I can’t I’ll cut my wrists, I’d rather hang myself then have to look at her and her blank stare. I can’t, I don’t want to see her! I need to take refuge, I need to call Spaced and see what she says about this. I can’t handle this myself. I definitely can’t do this myself. Spaced will give me advice. She’ll… I already know her advice, I’ve heard and given her advice thousands of times by hundreds of people. I have to do this alone. That’s the whole point, I know what I have to do.

I spent New Years Eve running from her. I burnt out from too many emotional conversations I longboarded for hours to find her, to run from her. I wanted my emotions back I wanted to know why and where, I wanted to know what was going on. At 3am I found her. Spaced was falling asleep and there was nothing I could do but cry to myself. That was a hard day, but it was a good day. I got through some shit I had a good time I hard a fucking hard time. But on that day when I was longboarding I felt compelled to listen to Vagabond by Wolf Mother. Listening to this song I danced while riding my longboard. It felt good. It was my pleasant reminder that I can “tell you everything about being free.” because that’s what I’m going for. I’m working on “becom[ing] so absolutely free that [my] very act of existence is an act of rebellion.” -Albert Camus.

It’s hard because I get caught up in hoping I’ll change. I tell myself I’ll love my face, my body once hormones have their full effect. I tell myself I’ll love my face after I have electrolysis finished. I used to tell myself I’d enjoy my body naked after bottom surgery. Putting it off for year after year because I will change and then I will be able to love myself. Where did this type of thinking get Cait Jenner, someone who has unending money for such surgeries? It’s got her worried about looking like a “man in a dress.” Then I think to Spaced and how often she says, “Jenny, you’re the best.” I enjoyed hearing this at first, but now it hurts more and more each time. It hurts because I know it’s true but I don’t believe her, it hurts because I know she can see it but I still can’t. I know I’m being my best to her but I’m not being my best to me.

Now that I’ve calmed down, how do I stop running, and how do I change this? I always think a radical change will help me but I know it’ll just create more problems. For starters, keep up with 3 meals a day, good sleep and start drinking more water. Get back to daily meditation and quick self love session each morning. Also keep checking in with yourself and act upon your urges and feelings, not in an impulsive way but in a I’m going to treat myself right way. And most importantly be easy on yourself. If you’re having a hard time let yourself do something you feel guilty about but don’t feel guilty about it. You don’t harass friends for relapsing you just harass yourself, stop that. You are a work in progress and progress is only made by continuing to work on yourself, not through self-blame. Just keep on in writing in your journal instead of trying to lose all of your time on the internet. Reflecting and appreciating how far you’ve come has been essential in your journey and still is. Keep it up you’re doing great, just keep on keeping on. You’re on the right path and have been for years. And as a good friend said, “If it’s not hard, you’re not gonna grow.”

Winter Solstice Card 2015

57 solstice

Dear Friends/Family,

This past year has been an amazing and challenging year. I started hormones on January 9th and legally changed my name on May 6th. I’ve been meditating for over a year and 6 months of it has been at a Shambhala Buddhist meditation center where I have learned a great deal. I started working again as an organizer, field director and currently doing data entry and just about everything else at SEIU.

During this past year I’ve also struggled with depression and anxiety. A week after my name change occurred I realized I was molested as a child. But from these experiences I opened up and finally asked for help. I have had tons of support from all I have told and found a strong bond with friends new and old. I have accepted and learned so much about myself and am appreciative of everyday I have. My life is so much more wonderful than a year ago, than a month ago. I’ve grown a huge amount in that time and looking back is a truly humbling experience. Thank you for being in my life and if I don’t regularly I hope to see you in the next year.

Love,
Jenny

This is the solstice card I sent out to family and friends and that I extend to y’all. This year has been an amazing year. One that has been terrific, horrible, freeing, paralyzing but despite all of the things that have happened this is the happiest I’ve ever been. Looking back on every other time of good feelings I can see that they are filled with feelings of despair, depression, and suicidal thoughts. These haven’t gone away but I’ve accepted them and started to address them. Knowing it has gotten so much better is relieving, because day to day I often only recognize problems that arrive.

Currently I’ve been struggling with how to relate to friends and what I want from them. But I am struggling with this because I am not just being what other people want from me I am figuring out what I want from other people and figuring out how I want to interact with them. Essentially I’m struggling a lot because a lot of what that I’ve “figured out” is wrong. I figured out how to serve and please other people now I’m figuring out what pleases me. I’m taking missteps every step I take but I’m learning so much from them.

I’m trying to be me. I’m focusing on me and it’s not always in a good way. I’m more selfish, impulsive, self-centered but like how a pendulum swings back and forth before reaching it’s center point. At least I imagine that is what I’m doing. It’s hard to explain it’s hard to understand I’m not sure exactly what I’m doing but this is how I conceptualize my current missteps. I am over being hard on myself, I’m over hyper-analyzing myself. Instead I’m letting myself do whatever I want and I dealing with the response in the moment, I’m relearning why I act the way I do. Is it for others? is it for me? Am I doing this to please people? or to please myself?

I don’t feel completely like myself but I feel like I’m becoming free. I feel my sense of obligation diminishing and my sense of commitment to being who I see myself as fading. I’m Jenny and that person knows who she is. I needn’t incessantly analyze myself I just need to do what feels right, and that what I’m doing. And all the while I’m trying to work on communications so I express why I’m doing what I am and how I feel. I’m just trying really hard to be me and it is a confusing disorienting journey. I will slight you on the way but don’t hold it against me, I’m pretty sure you won’t.

Who am I? I’m Jenny. What does that mean? Fuck if I know.

Explaining Trans

Becoming friends with cis-people who don’t come from the queer scene is hard. I’ve struggled with trusting them and the way they deal with me being trans has made me uncomfortable. Until recently we did exactly what we shouldn’t have done – not talked about it. I can explain my feelings on the subject but it makes me feel anxious and vulnerable and I just never felt a time to naturally plug it into conversation. This has become untenable and I recently exploded my frustration onto Spaced. Since then good conversation has happened and I hope to tell this story to try to explain a small piece of what it feels like living day to day for me as a transwoman.

The first story is about walking down a street in my neighborhood at night with my friend Spaced and Hair. I hadn’t known them for long at this point. Someone called me a faggot and continued to harass me from their porch. I didn’t notice it at first and then I realized they were talking about me. I immediately went into action and actively pretended that they weren’t there and tried to get me and my friends out of there.

We got out of there and I quietly sung the lyrics, “You just want them to see you like they see every other girl, They just see a faggot, hold there breathe not to catch the sick.” Against Me!’s song Transgender Dysphoria Blues. This is the same song I sung when my dad told me my “shoulders were too broad for a girl” and will be the same song I’ll sing when I’m told I “have no cunt in my strut”. (these are all things sung about in this song)

The most interesting part of this interaction wasn’t being called a faggot it was how my friends didn’t know how to respond. Hair said nothing and was clearly distraught realizing that this is something I deal with on a daily basis, Spaced said we should go fight them. I told a story to calm them down and distract them for my harasser. The story reminded everyone that people are ignorant but it gets better with conversation. It hurt. I needed to tell that story to forget what just happened and to help my friends forget. I didn’t need support from them but I also realized I wasn’t going to get it but almost the opposite.

The next story I am alone after a run. It again is night in my neighborhood and I’m walking home with headphones on. A guy gets out of his car and goes to knock on a door. I walk past him as he is at the door and it isn’t until a few steps later I realize he is talking to me and has been talking to me. All I hear in between the music is, “at least tell me your name.” I become terrified because I know that talking will out me immediately. I also instantly feel powerless. I cannot even use my voice to say anything because I feel like this will put me in more danger. I feel threatened, powerless and on top of it voiceless.

This story happens quite often and is a story that turns my smile into a forced smile. In conversation, ones that I am feeling correctly gendered there often comes a point when the question will come. It almost always comes in the same exact way. There is a lull in the conversation and the question on everyone’s mind is asked, “Can I ask you something personal?” I wish I could have a snarky response, I never do, instead I say “yeah,” with my smile fading as I wish I didn’t know the follow up question. “Are you transgender(ed)?” I feel like I’ve lost my individuality at this point, I am just a transperson. I’m a token, maybe they’ll ask me to explain more about being trans. I don’t want to be your transperson, I was to be me. Do you ask blind people if they are blind? Do you ask people in wheelchairs if they can’t walk? But what can I do but shrug and sigh.

This story isn’t one that happens occasionally it happens everyday. It happens when I wear pants, when I wear a dress, when I have mascara and lipstick on, it happens no matter what. This is when I am walking in a space, any space. I try not to look at others but sometimes I see their stares and notice they are trying to figure out who I am. I’m just trying to buy something, pee, go home. I look away, hey and avoid talking, I know that will out me. If I’m in a bathroom then I will not and cannot say anything unless I’m with a friend. In these spaces I run from everyone. After I make it though the maze I have to talk to someone and I wait to see how they will gender me, they have to use pronouns eventually. I try out the voice I’m most comfortable with, the highest one I can perform – it’s not good enough. I wait in purgatory for their judgment. Sometimes I leave with a bounce in my step, but more often than not I leave staring at the ground.

This is how I feel everyday, yet I haven’t worn pants in 6 weeks, only skirts and dresses. Yet I continue to pee and shop alone. Some days are harder than others, sometimes I leave in a state of anxiety without any clothes, other days I leave having been gendered both male and female excited to continue fucking with people’s concept of gender, most days I leave feeling stressed out and filled with anxiety.

I also want to leave this post on a uplifting note, because I talked to my friend and I feel better, I feel supported. I told her some of these stories because she shared a transman’s story with me. She heard a podcast by a transman who was outed by a musician hero of his. He was binding and when the singer realized he had the best response that I wish so dearly for every interaction I get.

http://themoth.org/posts/stories/the-lucky-red-tie

[Edit 11:15pm]

And in another positive note after realizing how defeated I often feel I did one of my rituals. Get all prettied up and go shopping. A big "fuck you" to the society that gawks at me.

And in another positive note after realizing how defeated I often feel I did one of my rituals. Get all prettied up and go shopping. A big “fuck you” to the society that gawks at me.