Life has been crazy leading to this long overdue update. I’ve had lots of amazing sex, I’ve forceably removed someone from my life, I’ve started taking medication for my mental health, I’ve met a bunch of good people, and I’ve really grown as a person.
Per-usual let’s start at the beginning: My relationship with Half Elegant. She was an frustrating person as I’m sure you’ve come to understand. She was really attracted to me and really boosted my self image. We also had amazing sex, consistently amazing and the first time I’ve had sex since coming to realize I was molested (a huge step). She also constantly harassed me for being honest about my feelings towards her, was quite controlling and very jealous.
We screamed, we yelled, we fought our fights happened over and over again without ever reaching resolution. She would always change the topic, always turn it on me when I tried to talk to her about anything she did. After we broke up the final time she wouldn’t stop harassing me and making me feel bad. I told her I needed space, mainly because I could tell she clearly wasn’t over me. The problem was she didn’t want to get over me. Instead she wanted me back and sent me harassing texts for days. I tried to explain myself but in the end I just had to tell her we would never even be friends. I had to go to the point of blocking her on both facebook messenger and texting.
One of the things that gave me strength in this time was I started being uplifted by medication I was taking. When I started medication I had a hard time getting out of bed in the mornings and started having a hard time going to work at all. I started leaning hard on Half Elegant trying to escape these horrible things. I would have panic attacks in the middle of the day and my only recourse was to hide and curl up on the ground.
My psychiatrist diagnosed me as having mild depression, PTSD, social anxiety, agoraphobia and panic attacks. I started taking sertraline (zoloft) for depression and gabapentin for anxiety. I have slowly increased these doses and and now taking 50mg of sertraline once daily and 300mg of gabapentin 3 times daily. They have helped a huge amount. I feel like a new person, I feel like myself. It’s an astounding feeling when I can just chat with strangers if I want, and get out of bed effortlessly almost every morning. The feeling is strange and freeing. I feel like one of the best versions of myself.
Having medication has really helped me grow a lot and enabled me to really tackle things in therapy instead of day to day stressors. I’ve become way better at staying grounded and present in the moment and now can ground myself in only minutes. I’ve also become able to sit with my anger instead of being scared with it and feel myself making huge steps at coming to terms with things in my life.
I’ve also moved forward in my personal life by making new friends and just being and feeling friendlier than normal. I’m growing a confidence and self respect I’ve never had, I am learning to stand up for myself and to realize how truly powerful I am. I don’t have to play along I can take charge I can run this show. I’m excited to see where the coming months will take me.
Finally I need to touch upon my new friend Clarity. I met her at work and bonded with her instantly. She opened my door at work and asked me where a coworker was. I explained to her where his office was and then she turned to me and asked if there was anything around she could eat. I held out my peanut butter jar she looked at it with anticipation and looked at me and then I laughed and said, “I was just eating out of it with my finger.” I became her ally at work helping her navigate things and have since become her friend and nanny. Talking to her is a breath of fresh air cause she just gets it she is super easy open up to and be real with. She’s also my role model for strong dyke knower who cuts through the bullshit and sees what is real. I can’t wait to learn more about how she navigates the world, and how to slay.
So all in all life is pretty amazing.