Winter Solstice 2017

The first time I missed winter solstice in 7 years was December 21st 2016. Here I am sitting cross legged on a crushed Domino’s pizza box on a cement-floored, covered porch pressed in the corner against two cold brick walls of a house. Becca, my platonic partner, is standing feet from me taking puffs from her cigarette and occasionally turning to blow them outside of the covered porch area we are in. She’s waiting for me to be present again, to talk to her. I’m absorbed in my phone frantically typing into the search bar of my web browser, “winter solstice 2016 time and date.” I press enter and the page promptly loads displaying a page that clearly says at the top of it, “Winter Solstice is on Wednesday, December 21, 2016 At 5:44 am EST.” It is currently Wednesday, December 21st at 12:18 pm EST.

I should be sleeping right now after staying up all night. I should have covered my windows with blinds, curtains and sheets to keep out the sun. The sun that came up because I stayed up all night with only candles to light my surrounding. My hands should be finally warm after a long brisk journey adventuring outside to see the sun rise from the top of a tree covered hill in the cemetery near my house.

But here I am sitting on a pizza box cursing, “fuck, fuck, fuck!” I didn’t stay up all night. I didn’t wish my friends “happy winter solstice.” I didn’t even know the date or time of Winter Solstice. Why, why, why, why, why!?

Because I am a mom now. Because I suddenly and abruptly have 3 small children. Because I have a house that needs cleaned, clothes that needs washed, dishes that need done, food that needs cooked, mouths that need fed, voices that need to be listened to. I may sometimes call myself their theraputic support staff, other times Becca’s platonic femme dyke partner, but what I really am is a mom.

I am a mom to 3 kids, I am a partner to Becca. They drove across this country and the country north of here to be in this city, my city, her city, our city, a place where she hopes to finally feel safe, a place where they are all finally free of his abuse. A first stopping spot where she will raise her kids in a safe environment where they can be who they are and not be mentally or physically abused any more.

And here they are starting to feel safe, starting to explore themselves more, starting to tell us that some of them are girls. Starting to get enough attention and not having to worry about words and fists being thrown. Instead we all are growing into the magical beings we are. And I am here as an essential part of this, part of them all processing what has happened to them. Giving them all the attention and support they need to overcome and finally cure generations of abuse that has happened to these 3 native kids and their amazing mother who has been through more than I can grasp.

Two of the three kids I care for

Two of the three kids I care for

So here I am on winter solstice thinking about how this is a time for reflecting, for staring into the darkness and seeing the sun rise out after 14 hours of darkness. I didn’t reflect on winter solstice, I didn’t even realize it was winter solstice. But here I am watching a family emerge from the darkness, watching myself emerge from the darkness. I may have watched the sun fall or rise, but over the past 3 months and more I have been watching 5 magical beings including myself emerge from darkness. We all been emerging whether it be from an abusive home, a male identity that isn’t ours, a controlling an abusive relationship, a shitty job, shitty friendships, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and self harm.

We are all emerging from darkness to become powerful beings. And as I stand back and take time to reflect I can feel my chest filling up with strength, puffing out and taking up space in a way I never have before. I can feel my power bubbling up. I can feel my emotions and see others feelings with a new clarity, I can even grasp emotions that I don’t yet have words for. As I lift my arm I feel energy shoot out of it across sidewalk moving the leaves on the ground and shaking the trees. Energy flows from my head to my feet and into the earth as I ground myself on command. I am not just a person anymore, I am a being filled with magic, compassion, anger and love. And on this winter solstice I can’t say I saw the sunrise, or that I stayed up all night by candlelight, I can’t even say I knew when the solstice was. But I can say I am growing, I am reflecting. I am becoming Jenny, I’m not a flighty spaced out tranny who is insecure and unsure of herself. I am a magical being who has powers that few can grasp, call me awakened, call me an indigo child, or call me crazy. But I am Jenny and I move worlds, hear me roar.

Advertisements

How We Fuck

When we walk the streets together
my long blond hair
my lengthy stride
my short skit
We walk with our heads held high
We walk with pride in each step

When we walk the streets together
her flowing black dress
her elegant makeup
her piercing eyes
we walk hand it hand
we walk together a tranny and a dyke

When we walk the streets together
you always turn
you always watch
you always stare
Your stares are all around us
Your stares are suffocating

When we walk the streets together
your eyes pierce
your eyes scrutinize
your eyes struggle to comprehend
Your stares they comes with a question
Your question is so obvious: How do they fuck?

When we fuck there is no gender
no sexual orientation
no male
no female
we fuck like we’re dykes
we fuck like we’re faggots

When we fuck the room is covered
in dirty sex toys
in used condoms
in empty bottles of lube
we fuck and scream and cry
we moan with no regard

When we fuck we don’t think about you
your genders
your sexualities
your norms
we do things you’d never think of
we have orgasms you couldn’t imagine

When we fuck the whole world disappears
all that’s left is me and her
all that’s left are our sex toys
all that’s left is this bed that is our only respite from you
we don’t think of your stares
we don’t think of you at all

When we fuck we are liberated
we are accepted
we are unfettered
we are free
we’re free to be dykes and trannies
we’re free to be us

Summer Love Playlist 2016.8

Here is my most recent playlist. While most of them focus upon a time in my life this one more seems to focus around a person in my life, Half Elegant (previously known as R). We were involved for 3 months, most of this time I wasn’t really into it. I was trying to find a balance between friends and lovers, we clearly weren’t friends and I didn’t feel like she was a lover. The balance was never reached. This is why the cd is being release now, it’s the end of an time period, the time period I call “Summer Love.” I can’t say this title isn’t ironically named, but I will confirm that “love” is a complicated thing with our without quotes around it.

1. Totally Confused – Beck

This is what I listened to at the end of Half Elegant and my relationship. Melancholy, raw, disorienting (other songs on the album highlight this). This is how I felt.

2. Skinny Love – Bon Iver

I first heard this in the Wire Tap episode Never Say I Love You. The episode has a segment about people in love, without their lover anymore. People holding on, struggling, feeling sad, and still feeling love. It is followed up by this song. I started to cry when I was biking home, I started to feel. Half Elegant made it hard for me to feel she just wanted too much. Now that we are apart I am able to feel what I wanted without holding back, finally. And I biked home listening to this on repeat while getting teary eyed and feeling love.

3. Betty’s Bomb Shell – Group Love

Earlier in the day (months ago) I felt awful, I tried to cut myself with my work keys, they weren’t sharp enough. I went back to work and when I finally left work I felt the same way. I looked incessantly at the ground looking for a piece of broken glass. When I finally found one I found out just how dull glass from the side of the road is, so I kept biking. I stopped in Arsenal Park and sat on the ground. I thought about what I should cut myself with while listening to this song. I played it over and over again and finally I found a pepsi can. First using the tab, then using a small piece of the side of the can I repeatedly cut small cuts horizontally on my arm. This is the biggest cut on my arm and it happened whilst listening to this song.

4. Signs of Love – Moby

I can’t remember when I listened to this song, but it is one of my favorites. It reminds me of staring at the sky and smiling while listening to another Moby song, it reminds me of biking along the river in Philly and crying to Moby. It’s happy, it’s sad, it’s melancholy, it’s real.

“I fly so high,Then fall so low”

5. It’s Only (feat. Zyra) – Odesza

I am long boarding on Ellsworth near Oakland. I am singing this song so loud. I’m singing this song to Trish, to Kelly. I’m singing this song loud and proud and I feel good, I feel sad.

I’m again on my longboard, it’s 2am and I’m back at it again, I’m in Oakland singing and carving.

6. Not In Love (feat. Robert Smith) – Crystal Castles

Half Elegant gave me this song. She listened to it after we broke up the first time after “dating” for a few days. We listened to it under 40th st Bridge and Half Elegant banged her head all around. She jammed to it when she was drunk and I came over. We were in the hallway of her house where there is a built in shelf that holds records and the music player. The lights were mostly out and she danced like a maniac. This is our song.

7. Sorry – Beyoncé

There are countless memories around singing this song. The one that is most recently and strong in my memory is with Half Elegant. It was the day we hung out with Jesse and tried to go to the pool. She was an ass. We were driving her home to drop her off and this song. I felt this song. I felt pissed at Half Elegant. As I drove my arms were out stretched leaning on the steering wheel with my middle fingers up.

“Middle fingers up, put them hands high, Wave it in his face, tell him, boy, bye”

8. No Role Modelz – J. Cole

“Don’t save her, she don’t wanna be saved.”

This is the lyric I heard when I felt Half Elegant trying to save me. This is why I started listening to this song. That isn’t exactly what Half Elegant was trying to say, but I’m still singing I don’t wanna be saved.

9. For Free (feat. Drake) -DJ Khaled

The beat caught me on this song, while driving around Fight for Fifteen workers to go to their conference. The song also constantly reminds me of Half Elegant. I must admit sex with her was the best sex I’ve ever had by a long shot. So good I thought I should pay her, especially cause she had no income for a while.

10. Panda – Desiigner

The beats of this song are great, the fact that he keeps saying Panda is hilarious. I first listened to this song because a Pittsburgh activist and USASer posted this on a Penn State USASer’s wall with the description, “I broke my bed while listening to this song.” That’s what I think of every time.

11. FUCKMYLIFE666 – Against Me!

I was getting gas on the Northside and I looked hot. Grey tank top, maroon tube skirt, brown knee high boots with grey leg warmers sticking out. This guy walked about 20 feet from me looked over at me and turned around. It puzzled me, but it made sense when he and his friends walked by and yelled, “that’s a dude.” I was mortified and eventually just put on my middle finger and stewed over it. The person next to me muttered, “She doesn’t have a choice.” which felt nice to hear.

I got in the car pissed and I put on Against Me! and started screaming along to them. As I was about to turn them off and then this song came on from their live album. The beginning of the song just caught me and I couldn’t stop listening.

The song also reminded me of an important fact, I had been trying my damnedest to “pass” as a woman for about 2 years. I’ve been slowly realizing I am a woman. But Against Me! reminds that I am a gender warrior. I am a woman and a man. I am here to fuck with your concept of gender. I am a trans-tomboy. As the shirt that Laura Jane Grace wears states, “Gender is over (if you want it)”

12. The Writings On The Wall – OK Go

Half Elegant gave me this song. I feel this song, this song often feels like our relationship.

“It seems like forever since we’ve had a good day, the writings on the wall
But I just wanna get you high tonight, I just wanna see some see some pleasure in your eyes”

I would listen to it most when I was sad. Because OK Go was staying to me, that it’s horrible, yes it is, but “I just wanna get you high tonight.”

My most recent memory and the one besides watching drunk Half Elegant dancing to this song is as follows. Half Elegant biked off in an agitated hurry to go no where and I stopped. I couldn’t handle the frustration she was expressing towards me so I stopped biking. Instead I listened to this song. I felt sad I was having a hard day and I just wanted to get high tonight, to feel some pleasure. Half Elegant came back and said in a accusatory tone, “Why are you listening to that song? Are you trying to say something? You know that’s a break up song.” The next day we broke up for the second time.

13. I Hate Hate – Reagan Youth

This song is amazing to sing along to. I song along to this endlessly along the bike path. I remember biking up past Millvale on the bike path, I remember biking down to the northside on the bike path, all the while I would sing this song for the haters. Because I hate HAAAAATE!

“I as in M, E, Fucking Me, Hate as in H, A, T, E, Hate… HAAAAAATE!

Run, Run, Run Away

You do this all the time Jen, you get caught up in people, you get caught up in their problems to avoid yours, you become so reliant on them that you feel like you need to share all of your emotions with them. You don’t even want to have emotions when they aren’t around. But then I must ask you what is the point of life? what is there to do when I’m all alone? There is nothing going on and nothing to do when they aren’t around. I just feel my emotions overwhelming me I need to exercise that’ll numb me, that’ll stop my racing thoughts.

I just want to run, to run away from everyone I can’t do this I can’t deal with getting sucked up in these people. I can easily put my phone on airplane mode so I can still listen to music and just bike, just hide in the wooded areas of Pittsburgh. It’s cold out but I’ll be able to hide for a little while and then I can go to the library to get warm. I just need to get away from all of these people. Wait! This is just more running. I get caught up in people to run away now I’m getting caught up in running away to run away. What am I running from? Why have I refused to meditate for the last two weeks? What am I scared of?

It must be from being present, I tried to meditate recently meditate and was quickly overcome with tears. It makes sense being present in the moment takes a lot of energy and courage, right? No, that’s not what it is. I know what it is but I don’t want to say. I know what it is but it hurts to know, it hurts to admit it. I’m running from myself. I’m running from her. Her blank face staring back at me, oh how quickly I can see all of her faults. I hate her, the way she stares, the way she looks. I can’t face her. NO!! I won’t I can’t I’ll cut my wrists, I’d rather hang myself then have to look at her and her blank stare. I can’t, I don’t want to see her! I need to take refuge, I need to call Spaced and see what she says about this. I can’t handle this myself. I definitely can’t do this myself. Spaced will give me advice. She’ll… I already know her advice, I’ve heard and given her advice thousands of times by hundreds of people. I have to do this alone. That’s the whole point, I know what I have to do.

I spent New Years Eve running from her. I burnt out from too many emotional conversations I longboarded for hours to find her, to run from her. I wanted my emotions back I wanted to know why and where, I wanted to know what was going on. At 3am I found her. Spaced was falling asleep and there was nothing I could do but cry to myself. That was a hard day, but it was a good day. I got through some shit I had a good time I hard a fucking hard time. But on that day when I was longboarding I felt compelled to listen to Vagabond by Wolf Mother. Listening to this song I danced while riding my longboard. It felt good. It was my pleasant reminder that I can “tell you everything about being free.” because that’s what I’m going for. I’m working on “becom[ing] so absolutely free that [my] very act of existence is an act of rebellion.” -Albert Camus.

It’s hard because I get caught up in hoping I’ll change. I tell myself I’ll love my face, my body once hormones have their full effect. I tell myself I’ll love my face after I have electrolysis finished. I used to tell myself I’d enjoy my body naked after bottom surgery. Putting it off for year after year because I will change and then I will be able to love myself. Where did this type of thinking get Cait Jenner, someone who has unending money for such surgeries? It’s got her worried about looking like a “man in a dress.” Then I think to Spaced and how often she says, “Jenny, you’re the best.” I enjoyed hearing this at first, but now it hurts more and more each time. It hurts because I know it’s true but I don’t believe her, it hurts because I know she can see it but I still can’t. I know I’m being my best to her but I’m not being my best to me.

Now that I’ve calmed down, how do I stop running, and how do I change this? I always think a radical change will help me but I know it’ll just create more problems. For starters, keep up with 3 meals a day, good sleep and start drinking more water. Get back to daily meditation and quick self love session each morning. Also keep checking in with yourself and act upon your urges and feelings, not in an impulsive way but in a I’m going to treat myself right way. And most importantly be easy on yourself. If you’re having a hard time let yourself do something you feel guilty about but don’t feel guilty about it. You don’t harass friends for relapsing you just harass yourself, stop that. You are a work in progress and progress is only made by continuing to work on yourself, not through self-blame. Just keep on in writing in your journal instead of trying to lose all of your time on the internet. Reflecting and appreciating how far you’ve come has been essential in your journey and still is. Keep it up you’re doing great, just keep on keeping on. You’re on the right path and have been for years. And as a good friend said, “If it’s not hard, you’re not gonna grow.”

Surgery, Hormones, and Our Heavily Gendered Society

This past week I was having a conversation with my friend Spaced about bottom surgery. She couldn’t understand why I wanted to have bottom surgery so we had a little discussion about it. I said things about not wanting to have this thing between my legs bothering me, and how I always felt uncomfortable penetrating people during sex (I’ve only really felt comfortable in a submissive position). Basically I just felt bothered and outed by my penis. I always worried about it being seen, noticed or felt by people. Having a penis made me feel uncomfortable and not like a woman.

Her response was first acknowledging how that must feel uncomfortable, but then saying that society has shaped my image of what it is to be a woman. Society has made me feel uncomfortable about my genitals. Society has made me want to surgically alter my body to have different parts that match the gender I am so I can prove that I am a woman. I continued trying to explain my reasoning but was caught by hers. All I could say was I was uncomfortable, I didn’t like tucking, it got in the way. She said society made me feel that way, it made me feel like I shouldn’t and don’t exist. The next day I told her I changed my mind.

She felt tickled that I had listened to her. I felt tickled that she had succeeded and that she seriously thought about this as a cis-woman. She asked me to explain why I changed my mind and this led me to think about my history of struggling with society regarding thoughts on hormones and bottom surgery. I’ll quickly sum that up. When I first announced myself as a transwoman I said I wasn’t going to do hormones, instead I had been taking supplements and using various devices to extenuate my breasts (It wasn’t until several months later that I decided to take hormones). I was also adamant about not getting bottom surgery and frankly terrified of even considering it. It wasn’t until Andreja Pejic came out and announced that she had received bottom surgery that I changed my view. Her and Laura Jane Grace were my heroes and having one of my heroes announce that changed my view.

Spaced and I’s conversation that followed began to ask the larger question that I had forgotten about, what if our society weren’t so heavily gendered? Would I want long hair? Would I be wearing a skirt right now? Would anyone want to use chemical hormones to transition? I agreed with Spaced on the first two decisions and said definitely no. The third one caught me and my gut response was yes, trans people are real and chemical hormones aren’t something bad they are taking. Then I realized I was wrong. If gender were free of sex then penises would be free of men and boobs free of women. It wouldn’t just erase gender it would erase sex (since the two are so reliant on one another or basically synonymous), finally trans and intersex people would once again have a society they could live in. This world is impossible for me to grasp. A world where feminine and masculine have no bearing on gender, sex or sexuality. Everyone could be who they actually are. I could not grasp this world, so it was hard to respond to the theoretical questions about it.

I kept thinking about it and realized my gut response felt ignorant and was coming from a place of fear. I have felt pressure to take and not to take hormones. And I felt a lot of guilt at first after deciding I’d start taking them. So I validated my decision saying I needed chemical hormones, that I would even need them if I weren’t in this fucked up society. This isn’t true. Our society and the way it interacts with gender is the problem. You have to fight with our society to find a place you are comfortable and you feel like you have your identity. Some people are comfortable without medical intervention some need full medical intervention. There is nothing wrong with this, this is coping. I am coping with living in this society by taking chemical hormones others cope by getting bottom surgery or top surgery. None of these people deserve any shame. What deserves shame is society for making this people have to do this just to be themselves. People should feel the right to be comfortable with who they are, but they shouldn’t be coerced into receiving medical intervention, surgical or chemical.

Calling chemical hormones and surgery for trans people coping is an accurate description of it’s effect. It’s what it’s intended to do. Doctors, therapists and allies cannot change the world we are in, but they can help people cope with it. They help them cope but helping people “pass” more (I’m using the loaded term “pass” because that is exactly what’s being attempted, people are helping trans people “pass” for what is “male” or “female” as though there is a checklist to be a “normal” male/female) We as a society aren’t doing what is necessary to address this problem we are putting all of the problem on the individual. This is wrong, but what else can someone do in a individualist society like ours? It is only the responsibility of the transperson because society has rejected it’s on responsibility and impact on this. What needs to happen is for the gender binary to be destroyed all together. The binary system we have doesn’t make any sense and helping trans people navigate from one end to the other is avoiding the problem which is the gender binary.

Take whatever hormones you need, have whatever surgeries you please, be happy in your own skin and don’t let anyone shame you for needing surgery to cope with this fucked up society we live in. But do make sure to love yourself. We can’t change society but we can change ourselves and that will affect the people around us. Slowly but surely the future may hold a society where gender is once again a spectrum and trans people can be who they are from the start, not after they’ve had surgery and years of chemical hormones. A society where you needn’t transition because you are always allowed to be who you really are.

In the mean time before society changes I’m going to try and take Albert Camus’s advice
Albert Camus

Poem: Today You Humbled Yourself

25 months ago you were pushed by Cha to dress up for Halloween as how you wanted, how you saw yourself – as a fairy
21 months ago you mostly acknowledged you were trans
20 months ago you started taking supplements to grow breasts, you were terrified they’d work
20 months ago you wore a gaff for the first time
18 months ago you made plans to quit your job and actually start living
17 months ago you came out to some coworkers as trans
Today you harassed yourself because you don’t see yourself completely as a woman

16 months ago you started tucking everyday and haven’t stopped since
15 months ago you quit your job
15 months ago you realized suicide was not a good idea
15 months ago you came out to your parents as trans
15 months ago you stopped wearing mens clothes
14 months ago you started going by your real name and pronouns, but only because your friends started using them without your permission.
Today you harassed yourself because you couldn’t stop feeling so anxious

14 months ago you started getting your beard hairs removed one by one
13 months ago you finally got your first bangs
13 months ago you broke out of crippling depression
12 months ago you were finally able to look for and start seeing a counselor
Today you harassed yourself because you “wasted today” by not getting done as much as you had hoped

12 months ago you started wearing bras full time.
12 months ago you started meditating
11 months ago you had a conversation with your family about starting hormones, it went alright…
11 months ago you had the courage to make an appointment to find out about starting chemical hormones
10 months ago you started taking hormones
10 months ago you started the legal name change process
9 months ago you struggled to find a job or even get out of bed in the morning
Today you harassed yourself because it took you an hour to get out of bed this morning

9 months ago you wore a dress in public for the first time
8 months ago you started working again
7 months ago you had the courage to knock doors alone
6 months ago you realized you had been molested as a child
6 months ago you successfully changed your name
4 months ago you started changing your IDs to match your new identity
Today you harassed yourself because you couldn’t focus or get anything done

3 months ago you accepted yourself for being a nihilist
3 months ago you told your parents you were molested as a kid
2 months ago you stopped having dissociative episodes where you couldn’t control your body
2 months ago you seriously wanted to cut your wrists because you felt too ungrounded
2 months ago you told your friends you were depressed
1 month ago you finally felt almost completely okay wearing a dress
1 week ago you admitted that you still suffer from depression and that you always will
2 days ago you had a serious struggle with depression

Today you stopped being so hard on yourself
Today you realized how far and how quickly you have come
Today you humbled yourself

Explaining Trans

Becoming friends with cis-people who don’t come from the queer scene is hard. I’ve struggled with trusting them and the way they deal with me being trans has made me uncomfortable. Until recently we did exactly what we shouldn’t have done – not talked about it. I can explain my feelings on the subject but it makes me feel anxious and vulnerable and I just never felt a time to naturally plug it into conversation. This has become untenable and I recently exploded my frustration onto Spaced. Since then good conversation has happened and I hope to tell this story to try to explain a small piece of what it feels like living day to day for me as a transwoman.

The first story is about walking down a street in my neighborhood at night with my friend Spaced and Hair. I hadn’t known them for long at this point. Someone called me a faggot and continued to harass me from their porch. I didn’t notice it at first and then I realized they were talking about me. I immediately went into action and actively pretended that they weren’t there and tried to get me and my friends out of there.

We got out of there and I quietly sung the lyrics, “You just want them to see you like they see every other girl, They just see a faggot, hold there breathe not to catch the sick.” Against Me!’s song Transgender Dysphoria Blues. This is the same song I sung when my dad told me my “shoulders were too broad for a girl” and will be the same song I’ll sing when I’m told I “have no cunt in my strut”. (these are all things sung about in this song)

The most interesting part of this interaction wasn’t being called a faggot it was how my friends didn’t know how to respond. Hair said nothing and was clearly distraught realizing that this is something I deal with on a daily basis, Spaced said we should go fight them. I told a story to calm them down and distract them for my harasser. The story reminded everyone that people are ignorant but it gets better with conversation. It hurt. I needed to tell that story to forget what just happened and to help my friends forget. I didn’t need support from them but I also realized I wasn’t going to get it but almost the opposite.

The next story I am alone after a run. It again is night in my neighborhood and I’m walking home with headphones on. A guy gets out of his car and goes to knock on a door. I walk past him as he is at the door and it isn’t until a few steps later I realize he is talking to me and has been talking to me. All I hear in between the music is, “at least tell me your name.” I become terrified because I know that talking will out me immediately. I also instantly feel powerless. I cannot even use my voice to say anything because I feel like this will put me in more danger. I feel threatened, powerless and on top of it voiceless.

This story happens quite often and is a story that turns my smile into a forced smile. In conversation, ones that I am feeling correctly gendered there often comes a point when the question will come. It almost always comes in the same exact way. There is a lull in the conversation and the question on everyone’s mind is asked, “Can I ask you something personal?” I wish I could have a snarky response, I never do, instead I say “yeah,” with my smile fading as I wish I didn’t know the follow up question. “Are you transgender(ed)?” I feel like I’ve lost my individuality at this point, I am just a transperson. I’m a token, maybe they’ll ask me to explain more about being trans. I don’t want to be your transperson, I was to be me. Do you ask blind people if they are blind? Do you ask people in wheelchairs if they can’t walk? But what can I do but shrug and sigh.

This story isn’t one that happens occasionally it happens everyday. It happens when I wear pants, when I wear a dress, when I have mascara and lipstick on, it happens no matter what. This is when I am walking in a space, any space. I try not to look at others but sometimes I see their stares and notice they are trying to figure out who I am. I’m just trying to buy something, pee, go home. I look away, hey and avoid talking, I know that will out me. If I’m in a bathroom then I will not and cannot say anything unless I’m with a friend. In these spaces I run from everyone. After I make it though the maze I have to talk to someone and I wait to see how they will gender me, they have to use pronouns eventually. I try out the voice I’m most comfortable with, the highest one I can perform – it’s not good enough. I wait in purgatory for their judgment. Sometimes I leave with a bounce in my step, but more often than not I leave staring at the ground.

This is how I feel everyday, yet I haven’t worn pants in 6 weeks, only skirts and dresses. Yet I continue to pee and shop alone. Some days are harder than others, sometimes I leave in a state of anxiety without any clothes, other days I leave having been gendered both male and female excited to continue fucking with people’s concept of gender, most days I leave feeling stressed out and filled with anxiety.

I also want to leave this post on a uplifting note, because I talked to my friend and I feel better, I feel supported. I told her some of these stories because she shared a transman’s story with me. She heard a podcast by a transman who was outed by a musician hero of his. He was binding and when the singer realized he had the best response that I wish so dearly for every interaction I get.

http://themoth.org/posts/stories/the-lucky-red-tie

[Edit 11:15pm]

And in another positive note after realizing how defeated I often feel I did one of my rituals. Get all prettied up and go shopping. A big "fuck you" to the society that gawks at me.

And in another positive note after realizing how defeated I often feel I did one of my rituals. Get all prettied up and go shopping. A big “fuck you” to the society that gawks at me.