I am Who I am Mix 2015.3

1. Partition – Beyonce
“I sneezed on the beat and the beat got sicker”

2. Devil in a New Dress – Kanye West
“We love Jesus but you done learn a lot from Satan
(Satan, Satan, Satan)”


Kanye West shares a good deal of my views on Jesus and the use of the upside down cross. And to fill you all in I’ve been recently obsessed with upside down/St. Peter’s crosses and made myself earrings that I’m wearing right now.

3. Runaway – Kanye West
Let’s have a toast for the douche bags
Let’s have a toast for the assholes
Let’s have a toast for the scumbags
everyone of them that I know.

4. Metamorphosis: Three -Philip Glass

I would often intersperse listening to Kendrick or Kanye with listening to this album by Philip Glass. It’s an epic album and makes you chill out and feel quite epic at the same time. I’ve finally listening to enough of Philip Glass to throw him into one of my mixes.

5. Man in the Mirror – Michael Jackson

This song caught me one day in the car. It also spot on reflected my views on change:

I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I’m asking him to change his way
And no message could’ve been any clearer
If you want to make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make a change

6. The Fall – Rhye

I’ve heard this described as one of the best break up songs. It’s so positive and soothing yet that is what he is talking about.
I love this album and found myself soothed by it many times.

7. Alright – Kendrick Lamar

Kendrick rocks, recently he replaced Kanye West in my listening habits. This song is especially good and up beat. But we gon’ be alright.

“Wouldn’t you know
We been hurt, been down before
Nigga, when our pride was low
Lookin’ at the world like, “Where do we go?”
Nigga, and we hate po-po
Wanna kill us dead in the street fo sho
Nigga, I’m at the preacher’s door
My knees gettin’ weak, and my gun might blow
But we gon’ be alright”

8. Blacker the Berry – Kendrick Lamar

This song is too dense for me to explain but I sincerely love it and would suggest decompressing it on genius where they dissect each part.

I relate a lot to his anger of white mainstream culture:
“You never liked us anyway, fuck your friendship, I meant it”

“You hate me don’t you? I know you hate me just as much as you hate yourself”

And I appreciate him calling himself a hypocrite for “weep[ing] when Trayvon Martin was in the street,” shortly before saying “sometimes I get off watchin’ you die in vain.” To briefly explain this he is hating a culture that in the words of his grandmother hasn’t changed because “shit don’t change until you get up and wipe yo ass.” Yet remembering that in no way does this validates killing such peoples. (In my mind this isn’t hypocritical but reminds us that bettering yourself is equally important to destroying the system oppressing you.)

I would often shout along to this song expressing my frustration at white culture in the same way I wish I would yell at others on my own behalf related to transphobic treatment I’ve received. Which makes me think of the song Transgender Dysphoria Blues by Against Me! which would be the next song were it not already on a prior mix.

9. Baby I’m an Anarchist – Against Me!

Not only is this Against Me! but it is also something I faced frequently. I have had my anarchism tested from time to time and I ran into numerous debate infatuated socialists who made me even more fervently anarchistic. The condescending know-it-all nature of socialists is frustrating. Not to mention that they are predominately white men (need I elaborate?) that makes me think of them as the left’s libertarians. Well meaning mean who think they know better than the working class and want to “help” them.

I’m an anarchist and will always be. It inspires how I relate to people and how I structure my interactions small to large. Just to note since many people compound anarchism with overthrowing the state. This is stupid, an anarchist friend and I talked briefly about this and how we thought the government should be socialists for now and less authoritarian and bureaucratic.

10. Hey Mami – Sylvan Esso

She is another soothing voice that talked to me when I was loosing it and when I wasn’t.

11. The Neighbors – St. Vincent

This song inspired some interesting art. I also listened to this album repeatedly.

“How can Monday be alright
Then on Tuesday loose my mind”

How can monday be alright

12. Depreston – Courtney Barrett

Her musing caught me. I find it entertaining, though often quite negative.

13. Atlas – Dawn of Midi

This music borderline puts me into a trance. Very good.

I Lost it and My Roommate Made Me Stay There


Saturday afternoon:

I’m feeling really worked up and don’t know it. I go on a bike ride and end up suddenly feeling, feeling sane. My thoughts had been racing all day but I hadn’t minded it, now my mind is clear. I sit down on a bench and start reading In the Dust of This Planet. Sleepiness rolls over me and I finish the next page before laying down my head. I close my eyes, shortly afterward the world begins to shake. I let it. I feel my thoughts, my feelings and just let what happens happen. Twenty minutes later I wake up and bike home listening to Sylvan Esso. Nothing seems real.

A copy of a copy of a copy. The world is far away, just like the narrator describes in Fight Club.

I bike home.

Along the way I dash in and out of traffic, I’m mostly safe, but safe like you are when playing frogger – you obviously don’t want to die, but it’s not real. It’s only half real to me, I’m only half there.

To bring myself down I scream Could I Be by Sylvan Esso.

It only furthers the rift. The world isn’t real, but I know it is.

Two blocks from home a women is walking her dog, the dog is peeing. I look at her. She looks at me. She smiles. She’s real, I’m in the real world. I continue biking and she disappears. That moment is gone forever, just like how reality feels right now.

I make it home. I see my roommates and I make it clear to them that I’m crazy. I refuse eye contact, now they aren’t real either.

In my room I finish listening to Sylvan Esso’s album while lying in my bed trying to take a nap. Instead thoughts start badgering me, memories start coming at me, Diane starts trying to molest me. “Get the fuck away from me!” I yell, “Leave me the fuck alone.” The thoughts are trying to get me to do things I know I don’t want to do. They are trying to take things I like and exploit them to make me do harmful things like cut a upside down cross into arm. “Get the fuck away!” I yell.

My thoughts are racing again and my perfectly organized room starts to get to me. I throw off the covers and run over to my dresser. Pulling out two drawers I throw them on the ground kicking around the clothes that fall onto the floor. “Almost enough,” I think. Then I go over to the bookshelf and toss all the fiction and spiritual books on the floor. Success.

I begin listen to The Weakerthan’s song Watermark on repeat. Now I know what I have to do.

I run down stairs and slam onto the floor as I slip on the wooden floor. Laughing hysterically I get up and run to the basement. I find the lavender paint, some painting equipment and sheepishly bring it upstairs, hiding it so my roomies don’t see it. I again refuse eye contact, I’m in another world and cannot be brought back, not right now.

I scamper upstairs once I find everything and begin my project. Two song lyrics are inspiring me.
“We sit and watch the wall you painted purple.” – Weakerthans
“Paint the black whole blacker.” – St. Vincent


“It’s just lavender, it needs to be darker!” I think. So I run downstairs slipping again on the floor and falling down. I get back up and grab brown a black paint and return to my project. Blending the lavender and brown I get a nice dark color in the center. Building the circle bigger and bigger I switch the song on repeat to The Strangers by St. Vincent. I’ve waited 3 years for this moment. I grab the black paint a tub to stand on and begin painting the title of this piece: “Paint the Black Hole Blacker.”


The black paint isn’t as black as I’d like, it’s to thin. I keep putting more and more on and realizing the paint is running. “Yes!” I scream as I see the amazing look the running paint gives to this piece. I keep painting more and more, bigger and bigger. I add more brown, I begin splattering brown, black, lavender all over it. Just what I’ve always wanted, It’s done.


I show it to my roommates and they are not sure what to think. They are fearful, excited, happy and concerned. The new one, Da Hottie, sides with crazied happiness, the feeling I’m expressing. Jamie sticks with concern longer, but eventually gets happier. They both take pictures of it and Jamie begins sharing it. My friend Von begins expressing concern, simply texting “shit” as a response to seeing the picture that Jamie sent them.

After a little while of laying in my room alone basking in the glory of this piece and the feeling of being crazed Jamie comes in. They sit partial on me and ask, “Why is Von worried about you?” I pause and realize I’ve finally been caught, and am relieved. As we start talking Jesse helps me realize I am not losing it, I am not caught, I am free, I have gained something from this whole experience. I have been trying to paint this on my wall for years. I always resisted it. Now I’m becoming more impulsive and more real, more aligned with the true me.

I haven’t lost anything I gained this painting on the wall. I sit with that a while, Jamie leaves and I keep sitting with it. I lay down and try to take a nap, listening to music and relaxing I realize that I need to leave, I need to run. I pack up my stuff and get ready for some sort of outing. I go to leave and Jamie stops me. They ask me where I’m going, why I’m going and when I’m coming back. I can’t answer any question but I still want to leave. I say I’m anxious, and hungry and just need to get out of the house. They ask how they’ll know if I’m safe. I say I just will be, and that they can call me and I can call them.

After a protracted fight about whether I should run or not Jamie reluctantly gets me to stay. I stay with my pain and crazy and tell them what has been going on in my head. I stay with my feelings and am forced to acknowledge what is going on, forced to treat my body with respect, forced to be present. They force me to face my pattern of running and to be with myself.

I eat some food and I find a quote of where I am:

Only now are you going your way to greatness. Peaks and abyss, they are now joined together for all things are baptized in a well of eternity, and lie beyond good and evil.

Why Nihilism

I have been experiencing and writing a lot about nihilism recently. I’ve struggled with it for the last 3 years, yet I could never pinpoint why I was so attached to it. It makes me feel happy, sad, frustrated, hopeless and angry, and I have yet to be able to escape it or let it go. Nihilism to me is that fly that refuses to leave your house, as soon as you think it’s gone you suddenly hear it buzzing over your head. That is until recently.

I was listening to a radiolab podcast about nihilism, In the Dust of the Planet, that validated and explained my experience with nihilism perfectly. In a world where people are inundated with news about global climate change, beheadings, never ending wars and disease outbreaks the world is a bleak place. The response to that bleakness is callous indifference because that is bad-ass, that is strong, that is nihilism. From now, to the cold war, to post WWI and beyond. Nihilism has been attractive because it frees the individual from worry and responsibility for the horror and chaos around them, instead they simply don’t care.

Radiolab delves into the subject of nihilism both historically and in current pop culture revealing our current infatuation with nihilism. Our current obsession with nihilism is seen and shown to exist by how an obscure nihilist book called, In the Dust of the Planet, is suddenly found plastered on the back of Jay Z’s jackets in one of his <a href="http://m, In the Dust of the Planet.”>videos.


This Radiolab podcast is done in partnership with On The Media’s Brooke Gladstone. She take a different angle for the story, but one that is quite interesting to listen to. Hers is called Starring into the Abyss and I would recommend it as well. A quote from her story sums up why nihilism haunts us now:

…we have just grown vaguely uncomfortable in this world that seems so chaotic, but in our lives barely touches us. Essentially, we’re taking in the world through the media. So it may feel more deadening, but it’s less intense.
-Brooke Gladstone

And she is spot on. I have lived one comfortable life and have been rarely touched by this chaos, but I have stared at it. I stared into this abyss and it stared back. And I proceeded to look all over my world to find this abyss, to see darkness and nihilism everywhere I could. A personal joy of mine was based around sarcastic, nihilistic joy of finding things similar to buddhist koans, things that can’t be understood by the logical mind (i.e. what is the sound of one hand clapping). These things shouldn’t exist together, but they do, they are real life oxymorons.

Ketchup Text Reads: #Nihilistarbys

The experience of an anti-corporate vegetarian (me) going to one of the most disgusting fast food joints I can think of
Ketchup Text Reads: #Nihilistarbys

That day when I realized I was too committed to vegetarianism so I ate a turkey hoagie for lunch. And my first big mac for dinner, while watching a vegan propaganda movie.

That day when I realized I was too committed to vegetarianism so I ate a turkey hoagie for lunch. And my first big mac for dinner, while watching a vegan propaganda movie.

Seen in Philadelphia by and old roomie.

And my favorite sign from 2013, a sign I loved as a nihilist and still love today

In this world you cannot escape these things, and I knew that. So I and many other nihilist stare at them. We stare into the abyss and it stares back. And staring at something so empty so negative and lacking is freeing at first, but it is also deadening. You are free but you almost give up your spirit in the process.

Existential nihilism is the idea life doesn’t have any intrinsic meaning or value, but I pushed beyond that. I stared into things that disgusted me to make them go away, and as my disgust left part of my spirit did too. I didn’t realize how hurtful this was until recently. I was mindfully eating food with a friend and roomie and I started to feel my burden leave, my guard fell down, I was letting go. What rushed over me was tears. Tears from all the times that I tortured myself, the times I knowingly put myself through dark times almost as punishment. I was punishing myself for not experiencing the horror. I put myself through mental anguish to make up for the physical anguish others had to experience. Instead of solving anything I simply hurt myself. I became a martyr, a martyr for the world.

This world is abominable, there are not words enough to describe how disgustingly people treat one another, but this is not my burden. I am not responsible for other people. I am responsible for me and I need to actually carry that burden. This world is enough to fight if you are fighting just for yourself. You can fight it’s morality, aspirituality, capitalist economy, but the goal should be to serve you and to better yourself. The goal should be to do what I wrote in my last post, “come alive.”

I feel my grip on nihilism fading. A few weeks ago would consider myself a nihilist but by today I would disagree. I have stopped identifying and just started being. I have started feeling and experiencing what there is. I feel much better, my burden of society is gone and my burden of me is here and I’m tackling it a day at a time.

Next Chapter

For 26 years I have tried to answer the question, Is there morality? Why do people hurt one another? What is the purpose of life? And dozens of other spiritual, moral and philosophical questions that tried to help me understand why and how things functioned in this world. Until recently, when I found out I had been asking all the wrong questions.

I had been trying to make logical sense of our world and our society. My best conclusion was that our society was nihilistic. I eventually took this on for myself having been an atheist anthropology major trying to find themselves it only seemed logical to become a nihilist. But since meditating I have let go of nihilism and found it returned to me as I see all of the existential nihilism teachings that are found in Buddhism. And suddenly I realized I had simply been asking all the wrong questions.

I was trying to understand the world and spirituality not within myself but a much more difficult medium to comprehend, the external world. I was trying to logically understand everything. There are too many variables for me to understand myself to fully explain this system so you can only attempt to imagine the number of variables and structures preventing my understanding of the outside world. Explaining this outside world was my attempt at defining my own inner world. I was trying to make logically sense of the illogical and I got caught up every time.

Our society is nihilistic, it is the antithesis of a meaningful, spiritual world. So the goal shouldn’t be to comprehend it this is irrelevant to the real goal. The real goal is to act in complete ignorance of society. To act in ignorance as we establish ourselves as spiritual beings in an aspiritual(or anti-spiritual) space.

Or in essence to live spiritually the way Camus says to live life

Or in essence to live spiritually the way Camus says to live your life

This answers so many questions I’ve had before but believed I had already answered. Like the simple and huge question, “How can I work to change the world for the better?” My new simple and difficult to accept answer: change myself. While I will never discount the activism I did I am realizing the importance of doing the personal work. The importance of another quote I am quite fond of:

Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.
-Howard Thurman

While I have the feeling of having answered the questions I was truly seeking to answer I am left looking at my journey as a frantic search to answer the wrong question. Essentially my higher self sent me on a quest to find out the answer to this problem. I had come back to my higher self numerous time saying, I know the answer! And my higher self said, “great you’ve figured it all out then?” And I kept working to make sure I did figure it all out. Until the most recent time when I realized the quest I was on was to find out I needn’t go on a quest. I needn’t run all over the place to find the answer. Instead I needed to sit and to meditate, I needed to realize the answer within myself.

I am reminded of a story from a book I’ve been reading, Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism. In the story a guru sends a student to do numerous ridiculous tasks thinking this will get him to enlightenment the student dutifully completes the tasks without question. The ridiculous of this is seen when he is asked to bring back the scalps of 20 individuals to prove that he has killed this people. As usual he does what he is told. Not thinking about it or feeling about it, just doing it. He’s not present he is thinking of his future enlightenment.

But enlightenment isn’t a quest or a challenge it’s something much more complex. It not something you can really measure or truly see, it’s not something external. Instead it’s internal it’s understanding yourself, truly understanding yourself, the same thing I was trying to do to the external world – understand it. And not in a logical way that you can grasp, to truly grasp yourself. To feel your anger in your arms and chest, your love in how open and warm you feel.

The most difficult part of this challenge is being spiritual being within this aspiritual world. This is an important part of many spiritual practices now a days, especially in Shambhala Buddhism. No more going off into the woods or far away mountain to practice. Instead people are starting to stay put. This quest is, as my therapist’s spiritual teacher put it, “harder than meditating in frozen snow for 4 days.” This is a hard quest but the one that needs to be taken. To live in an aspiritual world but remain spiritual. To keep yourself present, true, happy and healthy spiritually despite the draining aspirituality surround you.


The past few days I lost my shit and not in a totally normal way. Loosing my shit happens so frequently to me it feels like a way of life, but being present and aware of what is happening when I loose my shit is painful and too real. Instead I am left with a guilty feeling as I realize how much I am not dealing with my shit when I loose it.

It starts Monday afternoon, I’m at my therapist receiving EMDR treatment. It’s a treatment meant to shed of past traumas. I have been doing this for many months on and off. Recently I seemed to be getting through some serious shit. That shit emerged in a very exciting way. During the EMDR the world began shaking. My eyes weren’t moving but the whole world was. This isn’t a new feeling for me I’ve been feeling it for years. I have felt it a lot during EMDR sessions too. Normally my therapist, R, tries to ground me and make it stop, that day she decided to have me lean into it.

The world shook and then it shook more. It’s not a nuanced feeling for me so I was fine with it until… Suddenly the world started rotating, VERY quickly. I grabbed the arms of my chair and tried to stop myself from being pulled to the right. Then I started balling. The tears came down uncontrollably and R started telling me that I was here and it was just a memory and that I was disassociating. She explained what disassociating was and kept telling me that I was safe and that I was not in my memory. Instead I was experiencing a memory where I had disassociated. After it passed I was completely disoriented and felt like I was in outer space.

R helped me get down from outer space and more present. She wasn’t able to bring me the whole way down though. We were running overtime so she walked me out and told me not to drive home until I felt better. I felt myself retreating further into my head and called Jamie. Jamie helped ground me even more. I took my shoes off and felt the ground. I felt myself descending into my body and I felt more present.

I drove home with the mission from R to not isolate myself and to eat grounding, salty foods. I felt myself being more and more grounded. I also felt a lot of support, from Jamie and many other friends supporting me. I even had a friend text me randomly saying she was thinking about me. I felt supported, I felt good.


Fast forward to Friday at lunch. I hadn’t meditated in the morning so I did so during my lunch break. I started being overcome with a strange feeling. My arms started compulsively moving and much more than recently. After detaching from my body and feeling like I was trapped in a memory I tried to return to my body. I patted my body down to bring myself back so I could go back to work. I cried a bit and thought it passed. Then I wiped away my tears, splashed some water on my face and went back to work.

Suddenly my data entry job seemed wholly and completely pointless. I lost all interest in even pretending to care about entering the data. I went down to our basement and laid on the ground. I rested my head on a low wooden shelf as I lay on my side. Then I closed my eyes and let my body take over, trying to remain as present as possible.

I pushed I pulled and tensed all my muscles, my body was fighting someone, someone who wasn’t there, someone who hasn’t been there for a long time. It became too much when I couldn’t stop my first from flailing around fighting of my attacker. Shortly after that I heard people looking for me. I physically returned to work but was not present. I was so dazed that I walked directly into the entryway of a door, not the edge, full steam into the wall.

I left work, went home and couldn’t believe reality. I left home and went to the park where I was to meet some friends. I confessed to one of them my feelings and she made me feel like it was much more reasonable to be like how I am than I expect to hear, she told me this feeling was something everyone feels and made realize I may be feeling crazy but I’m really not. I tried my best to push the feeling aside, having told someone about it, but this again was a failure. I have yet to learn my lesson about pushing things to the side, it has yet to do anything but delay the inevitable.

But I was able to delay it I just had to rampage. This is what I normally do when everything seems crazy. I drank liquor, I smoked cigarettes, I ate weed rice crispy treats. And then I ran around like a maniac. I climbed buildings, I jumped into fountains, I acted and felt insane. 4:30 am I finally went to bed feeling like garbage. I had run from my problems I had finally got to see and experience what I had been doing for the last few years when I rampaged. I had just been running from myself and from my problems.

Now I’m here today, feeling somewhat hungover, fairly irritable and with the same problem from yesterday. I need to get past my traumas, I need to feel safe being present in my body, in the present. Now to figure out how to accomplish that.

How to Change Your Name Part 2

So now you’ve got a court order saying your name has changed, congratulations! (if you haven’t visit here for how to do this part if you live in PA) This is the first big hurdle to changing everything else. But I must warn you: you have just begun the process of changing your name.

There is a long list ahead, but don’t fret just trudge along one at a time and in no times you’ll look back excitedly at your results, I’m half way through!

-Drivers License (this needs to be done first, you can’t change most documents without this changed)
-Social Security Card (this is the second step, while it isn’t needed for all documents it is needed for most)
-Health Insurance Card (you need to do this to change medical records, doctors office, etc.)
-Doctors Office
-Medical Records
-Birth Certificate
-Vehicle Title/Registration
-Insurance provider(s)
-Car Towing Company (i.e. AAA)
-School Records/Transcripts
-Degree (ie college diploma)
-Voter Registration
-Credit Unions/Banks
-Credit Cards
-Paypal (This one is super easy! and you get to upload your documents)
-Credit Bureaus (click here on a link to a page that explains how to do this)
-Selective Service
-Legal Documents (wills, power of attorney, living trusts, contracts)
-Landlord or Deed to House
-Retirement accounts
-Professional Licenses
-Employment Records
-Sperm Bank (if you froze sperm)

12/30 completed! Wooh! since some of them don’t apply to me I am half way through the process. Every place is an exciting new challenge (that’s what I tell myself). In addition to the court order a note from your doctor saying “you have transitioned” is super helpful. This is essential at changing your gender marker with the Social Security Administration and also files about you that companies have. I would suggest sending it to everyone you never know when it might be applicable. While SSA needs one with the wording “have” most other companies will probably be flexible with other wording. Make sure to always send both documents even if they don’t ask for them. I had some businesses not process mine because I didn’t attach the necessary documents that weren’t even asked for.

This process is going to take a long time. I have been actively working on it for months. Just take your time and be patient. You will soon realizing that you have to also call back this places to ensure they got the documents you mailed to them. They often will then realize you did in fact send everything to them and begin processing your claim. Be vigilant, be patient.

The first step is to change your drivers license, just go down to the DMV for that with your appropriate form printed out and a blank check. Once you have that you can go to the SSA, and once you have that you can change all your bank accounts and, well everything. And for some instant gratification you get that same day. I would suggest getting this immediately after getting the court order, gotta keep up the momentum somehow.

Here is a link to the Mazzonni Center which explains these in more detail as well as the passport process.

In the coming months you will slowly conquer the name change process and be a master at paperwork and jumping through hoops. And remember knowing how to do this is a good thing in the states, you’ll learn all the buttons to push and all the forms to find. And if you’re having trouble figuring out what to do phone a friend… err their hot-line.

Quitting, Cold Turkey: Sarcasm

Day one: Rough day, sad day. I came to the realization that I need to stop sarcasm. It’s harming me and my relationships. So I quit, cold turkey. Well at least I tried. I can’t break out of the habit and ended up using sarcasm three times. The second time was the most painful to experience. I realized how much I rely upon sarcasm, how it is my alternative to expressing myself, especially my frustration. Instead of expressing frustration a witty sarcastic comment comes out, it hurts them it hurts me.

But wait, what got me to this point? I’ve been sarcastic for years. I think I first realized the awesomeness of sarcasm from Guaca in 2007. It was my freshman year and we were in USAS together. She didn’t say much but when she did it was funny, witty and sarcastic. I loved it, humor is my favorite, especially when you are in a (unnecessarily) serious conversation and there is that one person just throwing out witty, often sarcastic, comments. I took it upon myself to master it and 8 years later that is where I am.

I can say anything sarcastic and no one knows when I’m being sarcastic, at least not consistently. Instead I’m free to make jokes about others and myself and feel out the crowd without revealing myself. I can mask myself so well, too well. Suddenly friends don’t believe me when I’m being completely frank with them. When I admit secrets of other unexpected things to friends I often get a sarcastic “ha ha ha” followed by an disinterested, “you’re just joking.” I then have to repeatedly let them know I am in fact telling the truth.

But this isn’t what got me to give it up, though it is a big reason for following through on it. What happened was I was playing pool with some friends and began realizing that my sarcasm wasn’t being understood and therefore it was truly pointless, in fact worse. I was spreading disinformation about myself. People began believing things about me that I was trying to say the opposite of. And finally what hurt me the most when I was doing really good at pool against Red Beard and I stopped sarcastically making fun of his moves and tried to sincerely compliment him. He thought I was still being sarcastic and got angry at me. I tried to defend my sincerity and thought he was just being sensitive over his game.

Our walk home was awkward. I was trying to be real and he was annoyed at me for being a jerk. The next morning I felt very sad. Frustrated at myself and realizing I the thing I got in trouble for wasn’t mean it was the fact that I’m always sarcastic and my sincere comments were taken as sarcastic too. I cried a little and realized a lot about sarcasm. Why I use it and why it hurts. I use sarcasm to distance myself from people, to lie to them, to hurt them and to allow me to express my feelings (especially anger) by saying witty sarcastic comments. So I decided to quit.

Day one went well. I have begun understanding how much sarcasm has helped me avoid big problems, like my fear of expressing anger. It’s helped me tell myself I’m an open book while I spew sarcastic lies about myself so no one knows who I am or how I truly feel. It’s hurt people and made people angry at me when we actually agreed. It’s made me feel better than others and let me be controlling. I’m letting go of sarcasm, I’m noticing it every time it happens and realizing why I do it. Instead I’m going to express how I actually feel. I’m not going to hide behind sarcasm, I’m going to try to be myself, express myself.

Goodbye sarcasm, hello authenticity.