Summer Love Playlist 2016.8

Here is my most recent playlist. While most of them focus upon a time in my life this one more seems to focus around a person in my life, Half Elegant (previously known as R). We were involved for 3 months, most of this time I wasn’t really into it. I was trying to find a balance between friends and lovers, we clearly weren’t friends and I didn’t feel like she was a lover. The balance was never reached. This is why the cd is being release now, it’s the end of an time period, the time period I call “Summer Love.” I can’t say this title isn’t ironically named, but I will confirm that “love” is a complicated thing with our without quotes around it.

1. Totally Confused – Beck

This is what I listened to at the end of Half Elegant and my relationship. Melancholy, raw, disorienting (other songs on the album highlight this). This is how I felt.

2. Skinny Love – Bon Iver

I first heard this in the Wire Tap episode Never Say I Love You. The episode has a segment about people in love, without their lover anymore. People holding on, struggling, feeling sad, and still feeling love. It is followed up by this song. I started to cry when I was biking home, I started to feel. Half Elegant made it hard for me to feel she just wanted too much. Now that we are apart I am able to feel what I wanted without holding back, finally. And I biked home listening to this on repeat while getting teary eyed and feeling love.

3. Betty’s Bomb Shell – Group Love

Earlier in the day (months ago) I felt awful, I tried to cut myself with my work keys, they weren’t sharp enough. I went back to work and when I finally left work I felt the same way. I looked incessantly at the ground looking for a piece of broken glass. When I finally found one I found out just how dull glass from the side of the road is, so I kept biking. I stopped in Arsenal Park and sat on the ground. I thought about what I should cut myself with while listening to this song. I played it over and over again and finally I found a pepsi can. First using the tab, then using a small piece of the side of the can I repeatedly cut small cuts horizontally on my arm. This is the biggest cut on my arm and it happened whilst listening to this song.

4. Signs of Love – Moby

I can’t remember when I listened to this song, but it is one of my favorites. It reminds me of staring at the sky and smiling while listening to another Moby song, it reminds me of biking along the river in Philly and crying to Moby. It’s happy, it’s sad, it’s melancholy, it’s real.

“I fly so high,Then fall so low”

5. It’s Only (feat. Zyra) – Odesza

I am long boarding on Ellsworth near Oakland. I am singing this song so loud. I’m singing this song to Trish, to Kelly. I’m singing this song loud and proud and I feel good, I feel sad.

I’m again on my longboard, it’s 2am and I’m back at it again, I’m in Oakland singing and carving.

6. Not In Love (feat. Robert Smith) – Crystal Castles

Half Elegant gave me this song. She listened to it after we broke up the first time after “dating” for a few days. We listened to it under 40th st Bridge and Half Elegant banged her head all around. She jammed to it when she was drunk and I came over. We were in the hallway of her house where there is a built in shelf that holds records and the music player. The lights were mostly out and she danced like a maniac. This is our song.

7. Sorry – Beyoncé

There are countless memories around singing this song. The one that is most recently and strong in my memory is with Half Elegant. It was the day we hung out with Jesse and tried to go to the pool. She was an ass. We were driving her home to drop her off and this song. I felt this song. I felt pissed at Half Elegant. As I drove my arms were out stretched leaning on the steering wheel with my middle fingers up.

“Middle fingers up, put them hands high, Wave it in his face, tell him, boy, bye”

8. No Role Modelz – J. Cole

“Don’t save her, she don’t wanna be saved.”

This is the lyric I heard when I felt Half Elegant trying to save me. This is why I started listening to this song. That isn’t exactly what Half Elegant was trying to say, but I’m still singing I don’t wanna be saved.

9. For Free (feat. Drake) -DJ Khaled

The beat caught me on this song, while driving around Fight for Fifteen workers to go to their conference. The song also constantly reminds me of Half Elegant. I must admit sex with her was the best sex I’ve ever had by a long shot. So good I thought I should pay her, especially cause she had no income for a while.

10. Panda – Desiigner

The beats of this song are great, the fact that he keeps saying Panda is hilarious. I first listened to this song because a Pittsburgh activist and USASer posted this on a Penn State USASer’s wall with the description, “I broke my bed while listening to this song.” That’s what I think of every time.

11. FUCKMYLIFE666 – Against Me!

I was getting gas on the Northside and I looked hot. Grey tank top, maroon tube skirt, brown knee high boots with grey leg warmers sticking out. This guy walked about 20 feet from me looked over at me and turned around. It puzzled me, but it made sense when he and his friends walked by and yelled, “that’s a dude.” I was mortified and eventually just put on my middle finger and stewed over it. The person next to me muttered, “She doesn’t have a choice.” which felt nice to hear.

I got in the car pissed and I put on Against Me! and started screaming along to them. As I was about to turn them off and then this song came on from their live album. The beginning of the song just caught me and I couldn’t stop listening.

The song also reminded me of an important fact, I had been trying my damnedest to “pass” as a woman for about 2 years. I’ve been slowly realizing I am a woman. But Against Me! reminds that I am a gender warrior. I am a woman and a man. I am here to fuck with your concept of gender. I am a trans-tomboy. As the shirt that Laura Jane Grace wears states, “Gender is over (if you want it)”

12. The Writings On The Wall – OK Go

Half Elegant gave me this song. I feel this song, this song often feels like our relationship.

“It seems like forever since we’ve had a good day, the writings on the wall
But I just wanna get you high tonight, I just wanna see some see some pleasure in your eyes”

I would listen to it most when I was sad. Because OK Go was staying to me, that it’s horrible, yes it is, but “I just wanna get you high tonight.”

My most recent memory and the one besides watching drunk Half Elegant dancing to this song is as follows. Half Elegant biked off in an agitated hurry to go no where and I stopped. I couldn’t handle the frustration she was expressing towards me so I stopped biking. Instead I listened to this song. I felt sad I was having a hard day and I just wanted to get high tonight, to feel some pleasure. Half Elegant came back and said in a accusatory tone, “Why are you listening to that song? Are you trying to say something? You know that’s a break up song.” The next day we broke up for the second time.

13. I Hate Hate – Reagan Youth

This song is amazing to sing along to. I song along to this endlessly along the bike path. I remember biking up past Millvale on the bike path, I remember biking down to the northside on the bike path, all the while I would sing this song for the haters. Because I hate HAAAAATE!

“I as in M, E, Fucking Me, Hate as in H, A, T, E, Hate… HAAAAAATE!


Finding Reality 2016.4

It’s that season, the season where I release my new playlist. This it the third playlist in a series that happened (probably not entirely out or chance) to match perfectly a series of classes being offered at the Shambhala meditation center. I took the first two classes: “Who Am I?” and “How Can I Help” (with correspoinding playlists called “I am Who I am” and “What About the World”). The last class is called “What is Real”, I didn’t take this class but I ended up making a playlist in the theme of it anyway. This playlist for me catalogs a time of a lot of tension and disorientation, a time when the friends I trusted weren’t trustworthy and the reality I was experiencing wasn’t really reality. I’m talking mostly about Spaced here. I haven’t talked to her in about two months. With her I have also lost Chem and other friends. But in return I have gained my reality, it’s not as nice as Spaced’s reality is at times but it’s mine and it’s with me all the time, not intermittently. With that reality came a lot I have regained my trauma’s and problems and have now been able to work through them more readily. And finally I have started to realize I deserve better. I deserve friends who understand me, I deserve friends who I appreciate, I deserve to be treated well all the time.

Sadly there is one song that isn’t on youtube but it is available right here it’s song number 4

1. Harvest Moon – Poolside

This is what Jamie listens to. They have a pretty decent taste in music, especially chillin’ music. This song feels like hanging out in the kitchen on those long mornings when we would chat about our lives and views on the world. This feels like chillin’.

2. Crave You – Flight Facilities

Another from Jamie’s pandora station. A more sensual song, but with a similar feel, just chillin’. I can kinda see Jamie dancing to this song, or at least saying, “yeah dripping in gold.” Honestly these first two songs remind me so much of another memory.

I am in the bike shop on Sunday in the winter over two years ago. It’s snowing, it’s cold, the manager has gone home, no customers are coming in. K puts on some music, Surf music. We listen to this beachy, poolside music while staying warm inside and watching the snow fall. Feels perfect.

3. Seattle Party – Chastity Belt

I got this song from Fia, Cha’s roomie in Asheville. They are super cool and have an awesome taste in music, honestly that is where almost all of the music on this playlist is from, so props to Fia for having awesome taste in music.

This song also reminds me of driving on the interstates near downtown Pittsburgh. I’m not doing too hot, I’m feeling overwhelmed like I want to change everything in my life. Chastity Belt is calming me down, and letting me know it’s gonna be alright.

4. Dear Liberals – Lee Reed


This song was passed onto me by one of the BLM activist in the area via fbook. Every once and a while I need a reminder where I am and where I belong. All of the lyrics of this song are amazing and spot on.

“Putting green products in their shopping carts like their spending habits could ever offset the suffering”

“Fuck a liberal”

5. Formation – Beyonce

I don’t really know what to add to this song, but apparently Hillary Clinton Keeps hot sauce in her bag *throws up in mouth.*

6. U – Kendrick Lamar

I am in my room about to go to sleep but I have just come to understand this song. I’ve skipped over it for months but now I feel it. I don’t know who he is talking about but it hurts. His hatred and this person, his love of this person, who is it. I get on rap genius and it hurts so much more.

He is singing about himself. *cue tears*

I listen to this song on repeat and cry myself to sleep. The following day it continues to haunt me and I listen to it driving home from work. I hate myself, I hate myself more than you ever could. I hate myself so you can’t hate me more than I do. I hate me so that you hating me means nothing.

7. Blackstar – David Bowie

This song makes me feel so much. I am a black star, I want to always be a black star.

This is the album that David Bowie released before he died to complete his performance. This is also when I found out very underreported facts about how he statutorily-raped 13 year old groupies, while at the same time we all were getting to know about Cosby’s wrong doing (while much worse he notably isn’t white).

David Bowie was such an amazing, free, fantastical figure to have. I loved his music and his style. He flies his black star flag proudly and reminds all the queers and freaks to be themselves and be proud. Thank you Bowie. I am a black star I will do my best to pick up where you left off.

8. Dirt (with Aesop Rock) – Tobacco

This song reminds me of a hilarious memory. I am half way through my art piece, “Molestation.” then I hear Aesop says, “It’s my duty to inform you,” and I slow my work and begin to focus on the music to hear what he is going to say next, “Honey bunches of oats is the greatest cereal every created by man.” And I burst out loud laughing, I just experienced some horrible thoughts writing “I still don’t feel safe.” hundreds of times and this is just hilarious. At the same moment Heart calls me because I texted her something somewhat disconcerting, and I can’t help but answer the phone laughing.

9. 2 Thick Scoops (feat. Serengeti) – Tobacco

Before I figured out how to download them I listened to them a lot on youtube. I would continually replay this song at work. I remember being in the awkward cubby hole I was shoved in using one of the computers at work. My view of a wall that almost entirely surrounds me and I’m there just replaying this song hidden from almost everyone.

“And dream of changing my name to Zack”

10. Forever Heavy – Black Moth Super Rainbow

This song feels like biking to work, biking home and trying to silence some overwhelming thoughts. Thoughts about Spaced mainly but in large part I just needed a break from all the fucking drama in my life. I couldn’t handle it and Black Moth Super Rainbow would shut it out just right.

11. Still Life – Slow Magic

Much the same this song quelled my crazed and paranoid thoughts, it calmed and soothed. I danced to this song on my bike. Dancing my arms around to the music in the breeze. This song freed me of these problems and let me float.

12. High You Are – Why So Not

This is some more surf, poolside music that is so perfect for the winter time, again via Jamie. This is one song where you have to sway, if not full out dance along.

13. Youth Group – Slow Magic

Slow magic is another band that Fia gave to me.

14. Melt Me – Black Moth Super Rainbow

I spent a lot of time listening to Tobacco, because they rock, and because I had the pleasure of seeing them live at Spirit with Jamie and more friends.

I had to put a lot of Tobacco and Black Moth Super Rainbow on this mix. I’ve been listening to it pretty much constantly since I found them in Asheville.

15. Grease Wizard – Tobacco

This song gets me going every time and I am reminded of the first time it caught my ears at Green Gears. I played it a bunch of times that day and jammed out every time.

16. Orgy Drills – Tobacco

This song is wicked. This one caught my ear when I was doing the planning for my Molestation art piece. When I was listening to it church bells were going off in the background and it created a really cool effect. I knew there were church bells going off but wasn’t sure and couldn’t tell which sounds were them and which were from this song.

This is dark, this is perfect for Molestation that I drew about a month ago.

This says "I still don't feel safe." well over a thousand times.

This says “I still don’t feel safe.” well over a thousand times.

17. Mortal Man – Kendrick Lamar

This song really affected me, especially because he asks a question that I can’t completely answer it, or at least not how Kendrick wants me to, “When shit hit the fan is you still a fan?” I think of how I feel about Bowie when I found out what he did. It hurt, I couldn’t just forgive him for it, I still acknowledge what he did but I’m also still a fan, a huge fan but it hurts me.

“I freed you from being a slave in your mind, you’re very welcome
You tell me my song is more than a song, it’s surely a blessing”

This question really hurts me. These songs will still have the impact they do if Bowie did or didn’t do what he did, if Kendrick does or doesn’t get “framed” for something. But it tarnishes their credibility. I understand why Dominique Francon in the Fountainhead buys gorgeous art and destroys it, why she tries to destroy these wonderful creators. Because this things they create are better, more pure than any human could ever be. People will only tarnish their pure and amazing creations. They create an archetype that is unachievable.

What About The World? 2016.1

Here is my first mix of the year! I had a lot of free time, listened to a lot of music and popped this out a little earlier than I had hoped. In the last mix stated I am who I am, so the next obvious question in my mind was well what about the world? This mix answers that question, promptly.

1. Worst Behavior – Drake

Memory: Saturday is a hard day to motivate myself to do much of anything. I spent the last few Saturdays trying to go shopping before having panic attacks. Today is much the same. I feel the world crushing me, hating me, gawking at me so I don’t leave the house. Finally I realize I need to get out and go somewhere. I get dressed up all fancy, I put on Spaced’s green dress, a brown skirt over top, and knee high tan boots on. I get in the car and drive to REI listening to this song on repeat screaming, “Mother fuckers never loved us.” My hatred of “normal” people is overwhelming, I guess you could call this confidence but it felt more like hate. Either way I strutted my stuff and loved myself despite the world. And I am reminded of Kendrick Lamar when he sings, “I know you hate me just as much as you hate yourself.”

And in another positive note after realizing how defeated I often feel I did one of my rituals. Get all prettied up and go shopping. A big "fuck you" to the society that gawks at me.

And in another positive note after realizing how defeated I often feel I did one of my rituals. Get all prettied up and go shopping. A big “fuck you” to the society that gawks at me.

2. Tell Your Friends – The Weeknd

This guy is a dickhead, but he hates everyone and does whatever the fuck he wants. I like his style. Fuck everybody and go ahead and tell your friends about it. I’ve cared too much about what other people think about me.

“I do shit like I want, don’t need no blessing”

3. Hold On, We’re Going Home – Drake

Thanks for calming me down there Drake, I was getting pretty revved up. I listened to this guy for a good while, I would’ve put the song Hotline Bling, or Energy, or Started from the Bottom but this one caught me the most.

4. Borders – M.I.A.

M.I.A. challenging us on all of our shit. Ask yourself, “What’s up with that?” The video features Syrian Refugees and is stunning to watch.

5. How Much A Dollar Cost – Kendrick Lamar

Memory: Walking home with my longboard on New Years Day I’m feeling this song, I’m singing this song on repeat. Then someone yells, “Walk of shame baby!” I uncontrollably turn towards his direction and have a strong middle finger pointed his general direction. This only increases my passion in singing. And it reminds me,

“You’re lookin’ at the Messiah, the son of Jehova, the higher power
The choir that spoke the word, the Holy Spirit, the nerve
Of Nazareth, and I’ll tell you just how much a dollar cost
The price of having a spot in Heaven, embrace your loss, I am God”

All the freaks, the queers the homeless people are god. You shit on me and you are costing yourself a spot in heaven. Embrace your loss, I am god.

6. Black Me Out – Against Me!

Memory: I’m on a long overdue backpacking trip. It’s been months since I’ve gone and I’m feeling super anxious and struggling hardcore with depression. I wake up on the first morning, make my breakfast, struggle to eat it and then I lay my body on my knees. I feel a 400 pound weight on my back. I can’t move I can’t do anything even though I’m in the beauty of nature. Eventually I find the energy in me to go back to bed. I’m laying on my sleeping pad trying to find the motivation to wake up and it’s just not there. I turn on my phone and since I’m way to close to Johnstown I have service so I peruse instagram. Then I text Morty lamenting the situation I’m in. Finally I put on some music in hopes that will stir me. Two sam raging arongs later I ound the camp site screaming this song. My depression has turned to pure hatred and I’m so pissed off. I dance through the campsite to this song a few times before getting on my way. I’m depressed, but I admit it, I’m pissed off but I felt it.

7. Tellin’ The Mind – Delta Spirit

I love this guys. I spent some time going through all of my mixed cds and making sure I had a backup of them and I realized just how many songs by them I had on various cds. That’s when I finally acknowledged that I really like them as a band, and I feel glad that I didn’t brush them off as Christian Hipsters as Mustache did before he deleted them from his computer.

Memory: Standing on the balcony of Union Transfer I looked out on the band. This was my first real concert, this was my first time getting out like this and having a good time in a while. I’m standing next to a new friend of mine and I’m so happy she invited me, I’m so happy to be living again and being happy. I felt lost in Philly post “divorce” but now I’ve found friends and some happiness.

8. Scott Get the Van I’m Moving – Cayetana

These ladies rock. I listed to them a lot when making art, and even made art specifically based on their music. This song in particular sticks in my head because I made a piece of art for Cha’s going away present to this album. I showed her it as it was dripping and played her this album. A bunch of others enjoyed it as it finished dripping and then this song played. Someone pointed out that this is the perfect song, and it was.


9. Your Lips Are Red – St. Vincent

This song takes me over. I can feel myself shaking right now to this song. I can see my mental state quickly changing as I navigate through Giant Eagle to this song. Suddenly everything is much more harsh, I feel obstinate towards the world. But then I remember, “your skins so fair it’s not fair, your skins so fair.” And I calm down. Also important to note this is the song that helped me finish the piece called, “Suicide Note” featured in the last post.

10. “Heroes” – David Bowie

This song is significant in two ways. This song is the song that Charlie, Patrick and Sam listen to when going through Fort Pitt Tunnel going into the city. Sam is standing up with her arms out stretched and Charlie says, “I feel infinite.” I watched that movie this month, as a freshman in college I read the book 6 times. I related a lot to Charlie with my friends who were seniors, having been friends with druggies but not doing drugs, but I had forgotten he was molested. I watched the movie and cried through the whole thing. I found myself realizing what I had yet to face. I was distraught and found myself obsessing over the movie for the rest of the day until. Spaced talked to me that night and I slept on her couch. It was a hard day but I got it out. (And yes, that day I drove through the Fort Pitt Tunnel with this song blaring)

The second memory is to a different version of this song, it’s the Philip Glass Remix that is excellent. In it I’m a junior in college and I’m with Smiles, one of the two people I’m seeing. I introduce this song to her and dance and sing along while it is playing. I’m having the time of my life, I’m immersed in this song. I point out the lyrics, “Nothing will keep us together,” because it makes me feel free and amazing it also speaks to the nature of our relationship. “We can be us just for one day”

11. Later – Dr. Dog

This song feels like Philadelphia. It feels like the Schuylkill River bike path. It feels like wandering the streets in Philadelphia. It feels like Smiles. Reminds me of the pushover I was and still am, cause “I’ll sit around and wait for you, I guess I really will, sit around and wait for you.”

“It never works, you said you’ll call me later
And then you never ever do
I just can’t sit around and wait
Can’t sit around and wait for you
Now I’ll just have another cup of coffee
I’ll sit around and wait for you”

12. 8 Good Reasons – Sinéad O’Connor

Memory: I am having a difficult night and having trouble getting to sleep. I am distracting myself on the internet when I stumbled upon the news that Sinéad had tried to kill herself. She left a message on facebook saying she was going to do it and she was found in time to save her life. Then I felt compelled to listen to her most recent album and found this song. It hurts every time I listen to this song I can’t help but think about how she tried to kill herself, it puts this whole song in a much different light.

13. Asleep – The Smiths

This song is from the Perks of Being A Wallflower. I could never listen to it before because it was too sad. But once watching the movie I found it irresistible.

Memory: I have just watched the Perks of Being a Wallflower and I’m balling, it was hard, it hurt. I’m driving around town and I am listening to this song on repeat. It’s funny because at first I don’t realize that it’s a suicide note of a song at first. The song makes me sad, but it more calms me down and becomes ambient music in the background. It’s a soothing song, a song I listen to when I can’t get to sleep, a song I cry softly to.

14. Wild – Beach House

This song is the perfect picker upper after Asleep. I spent days listening to this album and this song soothes me into a dance turning around my downer mood to a content one.

15. Amor Fati – Washed Out

And finally a equally soothing even more upbeat song to get you on your way.

Welcome Back Black Dog

Everything is great. I’m hanging out with my new friends Spaced and Chem and I needn’t worry about a problem in the world, I feel like I’m their third musketeer. Then they fade away for their reasons and I see them less frequently. I hate it, their reasons frustrate me and I focus on that, still missing the point. I hate them, I hate my attachment to them, I hate them for leaving. Then I ask why? I avoid answering this question for days. I tell myself to stop focusing on them and focus on myself and on my body, suddenly I know the answer to my question. I hate them because when they leave I am left with myself. I am left to face my problems and feel my feelings I’m forced to focus on myself instead of other people.

It’s not that I necessarily need validated by them or supported by them but it’s quite literally that I lose myself in other people. I become completely intertwined in their life. I take on their problems, their concerns, I check how and what I’m doing in contrast to them. I think about them all the time. I think about them this much so I can’t think about myself. But when your goal in life is to become a fixture in someone else’s life when they are absent for too long you are suddenly lost.

At first I thought that I was losing my identity. This isn’t true I gain my identity, I gain my problems and my burden. It’s all too much for me.

I listen to Adam’s Song by Blink-182 on repeat. Just a few days before I listened to this song and enjoyed the last verse. This song is written about a 17 year old that is about to kill himself. The last verse slightly changes the lyrics from lamenting about how the past was better to excitement for days to come. I restart it before it gets to the last verse. I did like that verse for a day, I’ve hated it for years though. I’ve never put the song on repeat because I always did it manually before the upbeat verse comes on.

I listened to this song a lot in Philly. I would ride my recumbent bike to work and play this song over and over again. For a very long time when I would sing it I couldn’t sing the line “tell mom it’s not her fault.” I would get all chocked up and start to tear up. It was so hard because I couldn’t help but imagining how I wanted to say that to my mom, to tell her, “it’s not your fault.” Thoughts of suicide were obviously heavy on my mind at this time.

Next I listen to an old Reply All podcast, What it Looks Like. The podcast is about depression and about how people get through it. The person it focuses on at first is Jamie Keiles a writer and at the time a student.

At one point she comments on the never-ending inwardly focused tormented thoughts that she got caught in. “If I could just figure out why I’m sad then I could become less sad then I would be happier but I have to keep thinking about why I’m sad.”

Then Reply All’s host PJ Vogt comments on his experiences with depression. One of his friends hanged herself not to long after finishing high school. She had skipped her senior prom to take a first responder class and always carried surgical gloves with her because she always wanted to be ready to help anyone that may be hurt. Despite this in her suicide note she lamented that she couldn’t help people as much as she wanted to. This is exactly how I feel so often. I care for others before myself. I see how dangerous this mentality is but breaking it is another story. I think this is a trait found in many depressed peoples. The endless desire to help other people, without recognizing the need to help yourself.

PJ goes on to talk about how he was depressed and suicidal for a long time. “For all that time I just thought that everybody’s brain was like that. The same way I genuinely can’t imagine that anybody doesn’t always kind of want to be eating potato chips. I also just thought that anybody’s brain faced with a sufficiently difficult problem would suggest that one easy solution would just be dieing.” I expressed the sentiment that everyone feels that way to a friend when he told me he was depressed in high school, turns out that isn’t true.

When PJ was numb or depressed he would go to a folder that contained things from his friend who hanged herself. Because to him feeling sad was better than feeling numb. That is where I am and I can’t stop myself. I’m digging deeper into depression unable to figure out what will get me out and doing all the wrong things.

I am Who I am Mix 2015.3

1. Partition – Beyonce
“I sneezed on the beat and the beat got sicker”

2. Devil in a New Dress – Kanye West
“We love Jesus but you done learn a lot from Satan
(Satan, Satan, Satan)”


Kanye West shares a good deal of my views on Jesus and the use of the upside down cross. And to fill you all in I’ve been recently obsessed with upside down/St. Peter’s crosses and made myself earrings that I’m wearing right now.

3. Runaway – Kanye West
Let’s have a toast for the douche bags
Let’s have a toast for the assholes
Let’s have a toast for the scumbags
everyone of them that I know.

4. Metamorphosis: Three -Philip Glass

I would often intersperse listening to Kendrick or Kanye with listening to this album by Philip Glass. It’s an epic album and makes you chill out and feel quite epic at the same time. I’ve finally listening to enough of Philip Glass to throw him into one of my mixes.

5. Man in the Mirror – Michael Jackson

This song caught me one day in the car. It also spot on reflected my views on change:

I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I’m asking him to change his way
And no message could’ve been any clearer
If you want to make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make a change

6. The Fall – Rhye

I’ve heard this described as one of the best break up songs. It’s so positive and soothing yet that is what he is talking about.
I love this album and found myself soothed by it many times.

7. Alright – Kendrick Lamar

Kendrick rocks, recently he replaced Kanye West in my listening habits. This song is especially good and up beat. But we gon’ be alright.

“Wouldn’t you know
We been hurt, been down before
Nigga, when our pride was low
Lookin’ at the world like, “Where do we go?”
Nigga, and we hate po-po
Wanna kill us dead in the street fo sho
Nigga, I’m at the preacher’s door
My knees gettin’ weak, and my gun might blow
But we gon’ be alright”

8. Blacker the Berry – Kendrick Lamar

This song is too dense for me to explain but I sincerely love it and would suggest decompressing it on genius where they dissect each part.

I relate a lot to his anger of white mainstream culture:
“You never liked us anyway, fuck your friendship, I meant it”

“You hate me don’t you? I know you hate me just as much as you hate yourself”

And I appreciate him calling himself a hypocrite for “weep[ing] when Trayvon Martin was in the street,” shortly before saying “sometimes I get off watchin’ you die in vain.” To briefly explain this he is hating a culture that in the words of his grandmother hasn’t changed because “shit don’t change until you get up and wipe yo ass.” Yet remembering that in no way does this validates killing such peoples. (In my mind this isn’t hypocritical but reminds us that bettering yourself is equally important to destroying the system oppressing you.)

I would often shout along to this song expressing my frustration at white culture in the same way I wish I would yell at others on my own behalf related to transphobic treatment I’ve received. Which makes me think of the song Transgender Dysphoria Blues by Against Me! which would be the next song were it not already on a prior mix.

9. Baby I’m an Anarchist – Against Me!

Not only is this Against Me! but it is also something I faced frequently. I have had my anarchism tested from time to time and I ran into numerous debate infatuated socialists who made me even more fervently anarchistic. The condescending know-it-all nature of socialists is frustrating. Not to mention that they are predominately white men (need I elaborate?) that makes me think of them as the left’s libertarians. Well meaning mean who think they know better than the working class and want to “help” them.

I’m an anarchist and will always be. It inspires how I relate to people and how I structure my interactions small to large. Just to note since many people compound anarchism with overthrowing the state. This is stupid, an anarchist friend and I talked briefly about this and how we thought the government should be socialists for now and less authoritarian and bureaucratic.

10. Hey Mami – Sylvan Esso

She is another soothing voice that talked to me when I was loosing it and when I wasn’t.

11. The Neighbors – St. Vincent

This song inspired some interesting art. I also listened to this album repeatedly.

“How can Monday be alright
Then on Tuesday loose my mind”

How can monday be alright

12. Depreston – Courtney Barrett

Her musing caught me. I find it entertaining, though often quite negative.

13. Atlas – Dawn of Midi

This music borderline puts me into a trance. Very good.

I Lost it and My Roommate Made Me Stay There


Saturday afternoon:

I’m feeling really worked up and don’t know it. I go on a bike ride and end up suddenly feeling, feeling sane. My thoughts had been racing all day but I hadn’t minded it, now my mind is clear. I sit down on a bench and start reading In the Dust of This Planet. Sleepiness rolls over me and I finish the next page before laying down my head. I close my eyes, shortly afterward the world begins to shake. I let it. I feel my thoughts, my feelings and just let what happens happen. Twenty minutes later I wake up and bike home listening to Sylvan Esso. Nothing seems real.

A copy of a copy of a copy. The world is far away, just like the narrator describes in Fight Club.

I bike home.

Along the way I dash in and out of traffic, I’m mostly safe, but safe like you are when playing frogger – you obviously don’t want to die, but it’s not real. It’s only half real to me, I’m only half there.

To bring myself down I scream Could I Be by Sylvan Esso.

It only furthers the rift. The world isn’t real, but I know it is.

Two blocks from home a women is walking her dog, the dog is peeing. I look at her. She looks at me. She smiles. She’s real, I’m in the real world. I continue biking and she disappears. That moment is gone forever, just like how reality feels right now.

I make it home. I see my roommates and I make it clear to them that I’m crazy. I refuse eye contact, now they aren’t real either.

In my room I finish listening to Sylvan Esso’s album while lying in my bed trying to take a nap. Instead thoughts start badgering me, memories start coming at me, Diane starts trying to molest me. “Get the fuck away from me!” I yell, “Leave me the fuck alone.” The thoughts are trying to get me to do things I know I don’t want to do. They are trying to take things I like and exploit them to make me do harmful things like cut a upside down cross into arm. “Get the fuck away!” I yell.

My thoughts are racing again and my perfectly organized room starts to get to me. I throw off the covers and run over to my dresser. Pulling out two drawers I throw them on the ground kicking around the clothes that fall onto the floor. “Almost enough,” I think. Then I go over to the bookshelf and toss all the fiction and spiritual books on the floor. Success.

I begin listen to The Weakerthan’s song Watermark on repeat. Now I know what I have to do.

I run down stairs and slam onto the floor as I slip on the wooden floor. Laughing hysterically I get up and run to the basement. I find the lavender paint, some painting equipment and sheepishly bring it upstairs, hiding it so my roomies don’t see it. I again refuse eye contact, I’m in another world and cannot be brought back, not right now.

I scamper upstairs once I find everything and begin my project. Two song lyrics are inspiring me.
“We sit and watch the wall you painted purple.” – Weakerthans
“Paint the black whole blacker.” – St. Vincent


“It’s just lavender, it needs to be darker!” I think. So I run downstairs slipping again on the floor and falling down. I get back up and grab brown a black paint and return to my project. Blending the lavender and brown I get a nice dark color in the center. Building the circle bigger and bigger I switch the song on repeat to The Strangers by St. Vincent. I’ve waited 3 years for this moment. I grab the black paint a tub to stand on and begin painting the title of this piece: “Paint the Black Hole Blacker.”


The black paint isn’t as black as I’d like, it’s to thin. I keep putting more and more on and realizing the paint is running. “Yes!” I scream as I see the amazing look the running paint gives to this piece. I keep painting more and more, bigger and bigger. I add more brown, I begin splattering brown, black, lavender all over it. Just what I’ve always wanted, It’s done.


I show it to my roommates and they are not sure what to think. They are fearful, excited, happy and concerned. The new one, Da Hottie, sides with crazied happiness, the feeling I’m expressing. Jamie sticks with concern longer, but eventually gets happier. They both take pictures of it and Jamie begins sharing it. My friend Von begins expressing concern, simply texting “shit” as a response to seeing the picture that Jamie sent them.

After a little while of laying in my room alone basking in the glory of this piece and the feeling of being crazed Jamie comes in. They sit partial on me and ask, “Why is Von worried about you?” I pause and realize I’ve finally been caught, and am relieved. As we start talking Jesse helps me realize I am not losing it, I am not caught, I am free, I have gained something from this whole experience. I have been trying to paint this on my wall for years. I always resisted it. Now I’m becoming more impulsive and more real, more aligned with the true me.

I haven’t lost anything I gained this painting on the wall. I sit with that a while, Jamie leaves and I keep sitting with it. I lay down and try to take a nap, listening to music and relaxing I realize that I need to leave, I need to run. I pack up my stuff and get ready for some sort of outing. I go to leave and Jamie stops me. They ask me where I’m going, why I’m going and when I’m coming back. I can’t answer any question but I still want to leave. I say I’m anxious, and hungry and just need to get out of the house. They ask how they’ll know if I’m safe. I say I just will be, and that they can call me and I can call them.

After a protracted fight about whether I should run or not Jamie reluctantly gets me to stay. I stay with my pain and crazy and tell them what has been going on in my head. I stay with my feelings and am forced to acknowledge what is going on, forced to treat my body with respect, forced to be present. They force me to face my pattern of running and to be with myself.

I eat some food and I find a quote of where I am:

Only now are you going your way to greatness. Peaks and abyss, they are now joined together for all things are baptized in a well of eternity, and lie beyond good and evil.

Itchin’ on a Photograph – Mixed CD

This is mixed CD #2 I’m posting here. I felt an itch to make another one and figured I’d share it again. I’ve noticed the themes aren’t trans related (compared to my last mixed CD) but are just related to my life. It’s reassuring that I’m more cemented in my identity to focus on other issues in my life.

1. Keep on Knocking by Death

Death gets two songs on this CD. I watched the movie about them after hearing a few songs. I very much like the style and can’t help by play the air guitar to this song. Good way to start off a CD.

2. Itchin’ On A Photograph – GROUPLOVE

I just found the band GROUPLOVE in the past year and didn’t originally appreciate this song but now that I hear what they are saying it has even earned it the title of the CD. The theme of this song is a theme I’m embracing in my life right now, as I grab the past and remember who I was and try to let it go.

“I’m giving up on looking back
I’m letting go of what I had.”

“I’m letting go of all that I had
I’m living now and living loud.”

3.From Now On – Delta Spirits

This band is near and dear to me. A friend in Philly bought me a ticket to this band, the first concert I ever went to. I felt torn after realizing they seemed to be Christian Hipsters w/ their support of Invisible Children (and they even claimed to support them from the beginning at the concert I went to) and some of their lyrics. But I can’t stop liking them and I no longer have any desire to. They rock and from now on I’m gonna love them for who they are and try and extend that to everyone else.

4. Pulsewidth – Aphex Twin

Aphex Twin is my staple ambient and electronic band. Chill beats to just help you let it all float away. This helped me calm down and just ride many times.

5. Clark Gable – The Postal Service

The Postal Service also gets two songs. A week before making the CD they caught my ear and I couldn’t pick which one. This song caught my ear because of it captivating and descriptive story.

6. The Perfect Life – Moby

I can’t help but listen to this song, close my eyes and imagine the perfect life. Then I open my eyes and smile as I ride my bike along, listening to this song with a big smile on my face. I needn’t imagine the perfect life, I just have to take it in.

7. Shadow People – Dr. Dog

Dr. Dog’s falsetto crackled voice is just what I needed the past few months. That and his somber singing about being hopeful and hopeless. “Hoping these cigarettes will save us… as I cross the path of a friend of mine, I know what that look on her face was – something was gone from her eyes”.

8. Tous les memes – Stromae

The video with this song explains a lot, and don’t forget to push the CC button on the bottom of the video for translation. My friend Big S sent this to me, last time I’ve heard from her for a couple months. The video does a great job of showing both male and female perspectives of relationships as he switches which side of his face you see and the lighting changes from green to pink.

“All the same, all the same, all the same, and we’re fed up”

In my understanding of the video he is complaining and singing from both sides meaning we’re all all the same and we’re all fed up (not just men or women – as though there is a difference)

9. Uptight Downtown – La Roux

Not sure what to say about this one but she and this song has been in and out of my life for a while, this time she made it onto a CD.

10. Shake It Off – Taylor Swift

I love dancing to this song. It is sooooo good. She has such a good message. I could care less what people say about Taylor Swift, I have found so much glee in listening to her songs and often relating to them. Whoever writes them does a great job and I love listening to Taylor sing them. The playlist has something other than the music video for this song, is has Sean Stephenson dancing – I couldn’t resist plugging his awesomeness again.

“Hey, hey, hey, just think while you’ve been getting down and out about the liars and the dirty dirty cheats of the world you could’ve been getting down to this sick beat.”

11. Politicians in My Eyes – Death

This song so eloquently speaks of Politicians and what they do. My crazy politics seem to be getting uncovered yet again, beware :D.

“Reaching out, shaking hands
Making friends and other plans
Some will rise, some will fall
Some won’t even answer calls
Look a here, see them fight
See the twinkle in their eye
Politicians tell me why
Can’t you hear the people cry”

12. Second Hand News – Fleetwood Mac

I love this band, love this album and I felt this song. Also on an interesting note I just heard radiolab compare Fleetwood Mac to WWE Wrestling. We love watching/listening because we know there is truth in the stories we just aren’t sure what is truth and what is fiction.

I know there’s nothing to say…

I know I got nothin’ on you
I know there’s nothing to do…

When times go bad
when times go rough
Won’t you lay me down in tall grass
And let me do my stuff
I’m just second hand news

13. Take Me To Church – Hoozier

Not as good as Sinead O’Connor’s song with the same name but this also caught my ear. And the video caught my eye as it talks about gay rights in Russia.

14. The District Sleeps Alone Tonight – The Postal Service

They just tell such interesting stories, I can easily relate to the feelings the singer is singing about.

15. The Man Who Sold the World – David Bowie

This song simply caught my ear. And I love the album cover, man dresses.